Can't Orgasm Anymore?

[MsBee]

I am a ~20 year old female. For the last several years I've been having wonderful, strong orgasms via manual masturbation. Recently, I acquired my first sexual partner. Since we started having sex, not only do not orgasm with him via penetrative, oral, or manual stimulation, but I also seem to have almost lost the ability to orgasm on my own. When he gives me head or uses his hand, it feels nice for maybe a minute before I essentially feel nothing. When we have sex, the penetration sometimes feels nice, even great, but it's mostly neutral or uncomfortable (he's rather large, and I'm rather small), and I get no arousing sensation from my clit when either of us touch it. I find it disconcerting and a little frustrating to go from having orgasms very easily for years to almost nothing; I have orgasmed a couple times since we started having sex, but it takes much longer and they're very... lackluster. They basically feeling like relaxing after doing a kegel, a far cry from what I'm used to and almost worse than not coming at all. Is this a common issue? Is there some way I can get my "O" back?

[Heather]

Besides having this partner, has anything else recently changed for you that can influence this?

For instance:
• Have you developed a mental health issue, like depression or anxiety?
• Are you taking any medications that can have sexual side effects?
• Have you developed any physical health conditions, or had any big changes with your health?
• Are your stress levels higher than they have been, and/or are you not managing stress as well as you have in the past?
• Are you having any issues with body image, sexual identity, or general self-esteem?

Can I also check in that when things do not feel good with this partner, you're stopping them or asking for adjustments so things feel better, and you're only doing what feels really good? Have you talked about any of this with him? Too, are you generally feeling happy in this relationship as a whole?

[MsBee]

No to all of your bullet questions :/

I'm very direct with him in regards to what feels good and what doesn't, for the most part. There are times when I don't tell him exactly what's going on (like "Stop touching my clit because it doesn't feel like anything...") but I do communicate when I've had enough of one thing or need something different (like a change in angle or position or stopping sex entirely because I'm getting sore). It's also obvious when things are good because I get loud, versus when they're meh I'm quiet. I'm not really the sort to lie about what I'm feeling.

I haven't told him that I have been having trouble orgasming on my own since we started having sex, but he is aware that not orgasming from sexual stimulation is an anomaly for me.

The sex is my primary, if only, problem with the relationship thus far. There is the issue of having to be discrete about our relationship that sometimes puts me off, but I think that bothers me mostly because this is my first relationship.

[Heather]

Can I ask if this is someone where you feel a very strong desire to be sexual with them? In other words, while you're not responding the way you'd like or expect, are you still feeling a really strong desire, physically and emotionally, to be sexual with this person?

(Also, fellow-Washingtonian-fistbump! )

[MsBee]

Yes, very much so, and that's also part of my frustration. I love being around him and being touched by him, and, at least initially, my body reacts to his touch with an enthusiasm that has almost become a running joke between the two of us (I get really wet really quickly, even from seemingly casual things like his hand stroking my knee while he drives, so I'm often rushing off to tidy up after seeing him).

(Hooray, PNW solidarity!)

[Heather]

Okay. Last question then: this has been going on for how long? Days, weeks, months, longer?

[MsBee]

The sex, four weeks. Technically, we started being sexual when I was home for Thanksgiving break, but we didn't have intercourse until I came home for winter break.

[Heather]

Got it.

So, first I'd go ahead and figure that even all by yourself, having sexual response or desire shifts sometimes is just a thing that happens. If we're talking days, weeks or even a few months, it can sometimes just be a matter of where your overall body and head is for the time being, and be utterly temporary. This may not have happened for you before, but over a lifetime, it's going to happen to most people at least a few times, if not more often.

Too, since this is your first partner, and this is a brand-new relationship, I'd expect you're having a whole bunch of new feelings and experiences, and those big changes and new things can throw a person. Sometimes into a big swell of sexual response, sometimes into a chasm of none. Again, that is usually temporary, especially when you are doing things with this partner like telling them what does and doesn't feel good candidly, and having them be responsive (by hearing you, trying things differently, etc.).

What I'd suggest in a situation like this that some people find can help is stepping all the way back with sex, and maybe for you alone, with masturbation. In other words, see if building up some anticipation by not engaging in genital sex, but sticking to more full-body touch, making out, fantasy in your head, helps here.

Too, see what you can't do to let go of any attachment to orgasm right now. We're always much less likely to get there -- and also unlikely to enjoy ourselves as much throughout -- if orgasm is something we're focusing on, waiting for, and going about sex with as a goal. Instead, just focusing on pleasure, and what does feel good, and really being all the way in that not only makes orgasm more likely, it makes the whole works being great more likely.

Those sound like some places you can start?

[MsBee]

Sounds similar to what I've been considering lately, in regards to the taking a step back with partnered sex.

My partner and I had this discussion as well. I've never viewed orgasm as a "goal" so much as a "given;" like I said, I've never -not- come until recently. I'm content with not orgasming from penetration - statistics say I shouldn't expect to - so I do just enjoy the moment (I kind of have to, because nothing else does anything for me :/). It's the not being able to come on my own that's getting to me. I leave for school in a couple days, so I'll see if I can't rehab my solo sex while I'm away.

Thanks for your help