I think I have a fear of vulnerability, and I don’t know how to get over it

[Soph22]

It started when I was younger, I had to take this medicine in the form of a needle and I didn’t want my little sister to watch me, because I didn’t want her seeing me in that vulnerable position. It’s worse now. I don’t want anyone seeing me sleep, so I force myself to stay awake even when I’m tired if I’m around people. One time I didn’t eat enough for breakfast and almost passed out when I was out with my family, now I’m constantly worried about what I eat because I’m scared it’ll happen again and I’ll pass out in front of people. I don’t care if I faint alone, but if others are there to witness it, it makes me feel embarrassed. Same with throwing up in front of people. Of course I hate crying in front of people. I don’t ever want to open up to people about how insecure I am, and just how far and dark my thoughts go. I think this all comes from a fear of being seen as weak, because I’ve already built myself a kind of reputation I guess within my friends and family that I’m tough and aggressive, when I’m really not. I don’t want people to think I’m aggressive, I think when I was younger I thought it was cool or something, but now I’m left with this fear of people seeing me in a vulnerable state and everyone just thinks I’m this aggressive, tough, and confident person but I’m really not. I’m emotional and insecure and I hate people thinking I’m aggressive.

[Heather]

Hey there, Soph.

I appreciate you trusting us to share all of this.

I wonder if it might help to start by realizing that literally everyone alive is vulnerable, even those of us who are also "tough" or confident. Those things aren't mutually exclusive or at some kind of war with one another.

I hear you saying here that even though you've felt afraid to be fully seen, you'd really like to be. Do I have that right?

[Soph22]

Yeah, I just don’t want to be embarrassed anymore about people seeing me vulnerable. I never open up to anyone in my life because of this, and it’s taking a toll on me and my mental health. If I’d never established myself as this confident and aggressive person, I wouldn’t be so embarrassed.

[Sam W]

Hi Soph22,

I hear you big time on the ways that not feeling able to be vulnerable or fully seen can effect your mental health. Are you noticing specific effects, or is it more that this all just feels like it's weighing you down or isolating you from other people?

Too, are there people in your life who you'd want to have that vulnerability with? Or does it feel like you wouldn't even know who to start with if you did want to show that side of yourself?

You mention that fear of embarrassment if people found out you aren't tough and aggressive all the way down. Can you say a little more about why that would be embarrassing for you or what you fear would happen if they found out?

I do want to echo what Heather said, which is that all of us are vulnerable, even people who seem incredibly tough o confident. People come up with a thousands of ways to navigate the world, but at the end of the day we all have that tender, squishy part of ourselves that we're trying to keep life from stepping on.

[Soph22]

To Sam W: To answer your first question, it just makes me feel like I can’t be myself around people and I feel really lonely. I know I’d want to be more vulnerable around my friends first, before eventually being more vulnerable with my family.

It feels embarrassing for me just because everyone has this image of me in their head I guess, but I honestly don’t know why it embarrasses me so much. I would fear that they’d view me different or treat me different. Like they’ll treat me like I’m fragile or walk on eggshells around me.

[Logan W]

Hi Soph22,

From what I understand, you do want to be more vulnerable with your friends first. Have you thought about sharing these thoughts around vulnerability around them to start with? And the fears you have?

Like both Heather and Sam said, everyone is vulnerable, including your friends, and they might be able to relate to your vulnerability. Also, for what it's worth, vulnerability does not make you fragile. It takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable and open up with people.