I cant make myself feel good, it makes me depressed

[lalalina]

I’m 18 and I’m new enough to masturbating. i’ve tried so many times before though but every single time I try to masturbate it feels amazing for maybe 15 seconds then I just feel such a drop of pleasure. No it’s not an orgasm. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. If I keep going it comes back after like 5 minutes of doing the same thing over and over but then it drops again. I’m not asexual. I just don’t know what is wrong with me and i’ve been dating with my boyfriend for over a year now and I have never orgasmed in my life. We haven’t touched my clitoris at all until recently. Maybe I just need more practice but I don’t know why it keeps dropping from really good to feeling like almost nothing

[Carly]

Hey lalalina -- welcome to Scarleteen! This is one of the most common questions we get here on the board, and so rarely there is anything actually wrong with the person asking. Though it's a common question, it's also a bit hard to answer because everyone's bodies are so different and each one feels pleasure differently. There's no singular solution that will work for everyone beyond encouraging you to experiment more and explore your sexuality. There are a lot of different ways to masturbate - do you always try the same thing?

Also, when you're masturbating alone or with your boyfriend, do you ever find yourself thinking about the trouble you're having?

[lalalina]

Hi - thank you for such a quick response. To be honest yes. When i’m having sex I don’t think about it but now that we’ve started to incorporate clitoris stimulation I can’t help but feel so anxious that it’s not working. I guess that interferes with my pleasure. Especially since he doesn’t know what he’s doing and neither do I and we are learning together. But when I am alone I get further. I don’t think about it or I try not to and I feel intense pleasure for a few seconds until it just totally drops to very slight pleasure or none at all. At times after maybe a few seconds after the drop it comes back to the intense as I keep going but a lot of the time it takes minutes before it feels good again and that’s when it kicks in. Honestly the unsatisfaction by the time i give up makes me feel like crying and no “How to orgasm” “how to masturbate” article has helped me at all so far(, : And I am scared that my boyfriend feels bad about me have never finishing before.

[Sam W]

Hi lalalina,

So, something to know is that things like anxiety or pressure (even if it's us putting pressure on ourselves) are major arousal killers. So part of what may be going on here is that you're getting so stressed out about it potentially "not working" that you're unintentionally making it less likely that sex or masturbation will feel all that pleasurable. If it would be helpful, we could certainly talk about some ways to break that loop of anxiety->lack of pleasure->anxiety about lack of pleasure if you'd like.

Too, can you give me a sense of what your mind is doing when you try masturbating? Are you very turned on and engaged in something like a fantasy or a piece of sexual media?

I hear you on the worries that this is somehow making your partner feel bad. Has he ever expressed that to you before, or does that fear seem to be coming mainly from your own mind?

[lalalina]

Hi Sam,

I would very much like to talk about the anxious->lack of pleasure->anxious because of lack of pleasure loop because I really feel that’s what’s the matter. I am naturally an over-thinker; one time he expressed to me that he feels guilty because I have never finished and ever since then I couldn’t help feel that something is wrong with me and I am just in a rush to have my first orgasm once and for all but because of the anxiety I experience I feel like I will never able to. When I masturbate I just can’t feel aroused enough because i’m too busy worrying on what’s working and what’s not. I know that I have to try to break that and focus solely on what feels good and not aim to finish and trust me i’ve read about it but I feel like I just can’t seem to stop it. I’ve looked at and watched intimate media of me and my boyfriend but it almost feels like a routine or a chore having to look at things like that to start masturbating, like i’m following a step by step tutorial that just isn’t working out so it kills my arousal instantly.

[Sam W]

Okay! So, for starters, can you tell me a little about what things you've already tried to break the loop (it's okay if the answer is "none," I just want to make sure I'm not suggesting things you've found don't work for you). That can include things you do to try and either feel relaxed or aroused during the process.