Public vs private identity

[Raffles]

If at all possible, I would like to avoid having my parents know that I’m in therapy. When my mental health issues first started, they were very invasive. I’ve learned to mask it so well because of that. Any time I didn’t take seconds, they asked if I were anorexic. Any time I wasn’t smiling, they asked if I were depressed. It was often multiple times a day, and I can’t do that level of scrutiny. Mental health is seen as a real problem, but it’s very clinical. It’s something to be treated, and it’s your problem if you have it. My parents are also pretty toxically positive, so negative feelings are a no-no. Not sure if that makes any sense.

As for the job stuff, I’m worried about being passed up for interviews when I’m ready to go back specifically because of the gap. My professor said that I’ll likely have to explain it for a while, especially because I’m dropping out after just one year.

Let me know what your two cents are and if this all makes sense!

[Carly]

You're making sense here! Being heavily scrutinized like that sounds really taxing. When they ask you those questions, how do you usually respond? How does the conversation go after that? I know I don't know your parents the way you do, but it sounds like some of this invasiveness - even for how annoying it is - could out of caring a lot for you. It sounds like they try to pay attention to what's going on, so maybe they're asking a lot of questions about what you're doing because they think something might be happening but don't actually know. I would imagine this might be especially worrisome if they don't know if you've been in therapy. Again, I don't know them, and I don't know how they are... but would you ever feel safe talking with them about it at all? We had a user a few months back describe a really similar dynamic with a teacher, and I suggested that they tell the teacher that they're getting the help they need and they know they could come to the teacher if they needed help. Do you think setting a boundary like that could work with your parents?

As for your job - I know this is occupying a lot of your thoughts, but I think you're choosing the right thing. You know what's best for you, and if your feeling like you need a break, you probably do. At the end of the day, no one knows how your job search will go in the future. You don't, I don't, and even your professor said having to explain the break was "likely" rather than absolute. Perhaps, when you're ready to return for work, you can reach out to this or another professor about how to explain it in interviews or how to express things differently on your resume? You'll still be employed during the gap, so maybe they are some responsibilities you'll have at your coaching job that you can phrase in a way that make it feel more relevant to jobs you want in the future. This is an extremely common and accepted practice in resume building.

My overall opinion, which you can take or leave, is that it would be best to get back on your parents insurance and save some money, especially while you're living at home and your expenses are low. I think you could use this time to build some financial security for yourself, which will enable you to build the kind of independence you want in the future. I know it feels like you'd be moving backwards in a way, and you're so right about there being a balance act of which boundaries you're willing to compromise. You're taking this break because you need it, and I think it wouldn't be an actual break if you were hustling hard to make sure you can afford an out of network provider. As I've stressed, I don't know your parents and I don't want to act like I can predict what they'll say or do, but perhaps them knowing you're in therapy will give them the assurance they need to lay off. There's no way that they'll ever know what you talk about in therapy. I think it will take some courage to talk to them, but I think you're actually a really brave person. I've noticed that you generally avoid conflict, but you've been doing a lot of stuff that could have invited it: you've been able to talk to HR about something at work, turn down stuff you don't want to do, arrange to take a break for your mental health, etc. I think there's been some anxiety over it, sure...but you've done it anyway. Not everyone would have. <3

[Raffles]

Hi! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Thank you for your kind words.

To answer your first question, I mostly brushed them off (this was happening about 9 years ago). Since then, I've gotten very good at putting on a mask, so they don't ask me anymore. I think that if I were to mention that I'm going to therapy, they would become invasive again. Boundaries haven't traditionally gone over well with them.

In the end, I decided not to say anything to HR or my supervisor. There's still time to speak out, but at least I've done the paperwork of resigning. I haven't made a decision either way, so I'll see how I feel in May.

As far as insurance goes, I'm still applying for jobs, so there's a chance I'll be able to have some insurance. If not, it looks like the providers I'm going to be a good fit for don't accept insurance anyways, so it won't make a difference. If I'm on my parents' insurance, I'll at least have insurance in case anything else happens (say, another broken bone). Overall, I'm just relieved that I won't have to be in this workplace again next year, even if it means resume weirdness down the line.

[Carly]

Totally ok, Raffles -- always good to heard from you!

What does the mask you put on for them look like? Is this something you do because of the invasiveness specifically? I was to suggest that, even if conversations about setting and keeping boundaries doesn't go well with someone in the past or currently, that shouldn't mean that then you must alter your life because they are unable to handle it. That's their problem. As I said before, and I think you'd agree, I've noticed you are typically conflict avoidant and sometimes you're stuck in uncomfortable situations. Does that feel true? If it does, can you explain why that seems like a "better" option?

I feel comfortable sharing with you that I keep extremely strict boundaries with my parents. I know it's not easy, and it's something that took me a very long time to learn. But learning to set and keep boundaries and having consequences for when they break them has been improved my quality of life by a lot, even with the growing pains of figuring it out and having them react poorly even still. I know there's some gray area right now because you're living with them, but I want to encourage you explore your thoughts on it. With us or in therapy, or whoever else you want to talk to about it with. You may also decide that you simply don't want to ever share stuff with them, and that's fine too. I'm always happy to talk about this with you. <3

Keep us updated on the HR stuff!

[Raffles]

The mask was very deflective back when everything first started. It was a lot of “I’m fine,” “I’m just tired,” and “I’m still full from lunch earlier.” Now, it’s more preventative. If I show up with a smile and a joke, no one asks if I’m depressed. If I take a smaller first serving so I have room for a second, no one asks if I’m anorexic.

I’m conflict averse with my family especially. Past boundaries have been seen as a rejection of their love (“you don’t love us anymore”) or a lack of gratitude, and I don’t want them to feel like that. For example, when I told my mom that she couldn’t come to a work event because I want a separation of personal and professional life, she told me that I was pushing her away and that I wouldn’t invite her to my wedding (if I have one). It seems like a better option because we are in a good place right now, I don’t want to jeopardize that.

If you are okay with sharing, what are some examples of consequences, and how do you enforce them? How do you deal with the guilt if it comes up? I don’t want my parents to think I don’t love them, but I sort of feel like they say stuff like that specifically as an emotional manipulation which makes consequences seem even more important. I’m just not sure how I would handle it.

As for HR, I filled out the anonymous survey. I didn’t use very strong terms, but at least I said something.

[Carly]

I'm happy to share a little bit about what boundaries with parents has been like for me. Specific examples are bit hard, because they require so much set up and context for my family dynamics and the situation you're in is a lot different than mine, but I'm happy to talk as broadly as I can. In general, the most common consequence is disengaging and staying disengaged, and making the cause and effect very clear for my parents verbally. When one of my parents speaks very negatively of the other (which is often), and I've made it very clear that I don't do those conversations. I've said "I told you previously that I'm uncomfortable with talking about this, I need to stop talking about it" and sometimes it's escalated to "I told you that this isn't a conversation I can have with you, I'm going go now" and me hanging up the phone. I find that "I" statements are absolutely key - they're not accusatory, they only account for you and your perspective. As soon as I introduced this, a lot of conversations with my parents that were previously very uncomfortable loosened up.

I totally understand your concern about guilt. Do my parents always react ok to my boundaries? No! Not at all! The thing is... I don't really feel guilty anymore. I know that me having boundaries isn't me trying to hurt them, it's so I can preserve the relationship we have and I can show up intentionally. I had so many years with poor boundaries, so many nights spent crying over not wanting to hurt them but also not wanting to hurt either. It took me a long time to realize that how I felt mattered just as much as how I thought they would feel. I think I've said this before, but how people respond to your boundaries is more on them than you. Why do you feel like setting boundaries would make your parents feel like you don't love them? Is this only because they said it, or do you feel like that too sometimes?

When your mom reacted the way she did about the work event, what did you say? I agree that it's a very extremely reaction to a very reasonable boundary, and my parents react that way sometimes also. Would you ever/have you ever ask(ed) her to explain her feelings to you?

(I hope this helped a little bit, never realized how hard it would be to put into words!)

[Raffles]

Thank you for the example!

I mostly feel like boundaries = not love because of how they have reacted. We rarely talk about love or even say “I love you.” So the only time it’s really talked about is when I attempt to set a boundary. I almost feel their definition of love is that I don’t have boundaries, but I don’t have a great understanding of love. I get that ideally, you can have love and boundaries, but that’s not really how it’s worked out at home so I feel like I have to choose.

After she talked about the work event, I sort of dropped it. I told her I might let her come to the last one of the year, but I’ve since said no. I feel really guilty because it’s on her birthday, and she told me that that’s what she wants for her birthday. I’ve succeeded in getting my point across that I don’t want her to come to my work events, but at what cost? Being a bad daughter? I’m trying to make it up to her by taking a few days off so I can spend time with her and celebrate in any other way that she wants.

My parents are nice and I’m grateful for them even if they are emotionally dense at times. I hope this doesn’t come off too negatively on them. It’s just a little hard to navigate sometimes.

[Carly]

Hey Raffles -- I don't think you're being too negative at all, I think you're acknowledging the ways that your parents add stress to your life.

I agree with you, it sounds like having little to no boundaries is how they expect you to be. The conversation you're describing with your mom is a really good example; you told her that you were not comfortable with her coming to your work party and then she tried to change your boundary. She also did so in a way that seems to imply that she thinks boundaries are bad or some kind of punishment. I'm not surprised that you connect having boundaries with making someone feel like they aren't loved. I want to stress again that her, or anyone else's, reaction to your boundary is 1000% not your problem.

What is a "bad daughter" to you? Is the cost that you'd think you're a bad daughter and you'd have to sit with that, or is the cost your mom potentially thinking you're a bad daughter which would then make you believe you are a bad daughter? I know this can be sort of a "chicken or the egg" type question, but I think it would be helpful to tease this out.

[Raffles]

Her reaction was odd. The fact that she compared it to not being invited to my very hypothetical future wedding seemed very strange. Usually it's my dad who does stuff like that, so it took me off guard. She has had a history of not understanding boundaries and privacy, but it might be a cultural thing. My mom's family is East Asian, and my concept of a good child is definitely influenced by that. I don't necessarily subscribe to the idea that children owe their parents everything, but I'm aware that being respectful to parents/elders and contributing to the family are important values. I feel guilty not because I think I've done anything horribly wrong but because I think I might be failing to meet the standards that my family has for how a daughter should act if that makes sense.

[Carly]

Hey Raffles -- that does make sense, and thank you for the extra context for your family's cultural influence. I know that can be such an important factor in how we form and understand identity. Something I'm hearing here and in your other posts is that you don't think you're doing something wrong, but you feel like you might be because of how other people react to you. I know it's much easier said than done, but I think it would be a good idea to work on understanding yourself and your needs separate from what others may be wanting from you or thinking about you. Do you see what I'm picking up on here? Would you agree? How important is it to you to meet someone else's standards for your behavior?

I know that my boundaries are not fully understood by my parents. They're still challenged and misunderstood pretty often, and I know I'm not totally meeting their standards or expectations of what they think a "good daughter" is. But I know that I am who I am, and the kinds of things they want are not the kinds of things I can give without compromising myself in a way that is unhealthy. I kinda came to terms with the fact that they may always be a little disappointed.

[Raffles]

Hi there! Sorry it's taken me so long. I have been trying to figure out what my wants and needs are, but they're often so in conflict with each other that it's easier to meet other people's expectations than my own. The good news is that I've started therapy, and that's something I can bring up and work on. The bad news is that I've taken another teaching job to afford it. It doesn't start for another month, but I've already stressed myself out enough to trigger an alopecia flare-up and a few panic attacks. The gender stuff has taken a backseat while I attempt to survive the next year, so I'm sorry this isn't really on topic at all anymore. I hope everyone else is doing well!

[Carly]

Hey Raffles -- I'm happy you stopped by, I was hoping you would soon! Thanks for the update! I'm glad to hear you're in therapy, but I'm sorry there's some added stress to affording it. It sounds like there's a lot going on. We're here to help if you need us - feel free to make another thread if you want to pivot to another part of your life.