Girlfriends sexual past

[l.cuttini]

Good morning everyone, I have a problem that’s has been haunting me for a while: my girlfriends sexual past. She has slept with 29 guys before me, while I just slept with 5. This really bothers and I don’t seem to be able to forget about it.

We both love each other very much, but we keep having arguments about this topic and I feel we might break up just because of this stupid fights always concerning her past.

In fact, even when I’m about to forget, there is something that reminds me of it. For example, today I saw on her Snapchat that one of the guys she slept with in the past, snapped her a couple of days ago. She didn’t answer, but she did not tell me he snapped either, fearing my reaction. And we had a big discussion about it.

The fact, is that I can’t seem to forget how many people she slept with. In addition, a couple of times I scrolled down on her chats with past guys she hooked up with, and I saw some booty pictures she sent them, and that they saved in the chat. I don’t know, but the fact that stranger have her intimate pictures saved on their phones really bothers me. She unadded them today, but still. These are pictures she took before we even knew each other, but they still bother me.

She also had a picture of a guy’s penis in her eyes only photos on snapchat. It was a picture from a year ago, before we even knew each other, but it still bothers me. She forgot about that picture and deleted it when I saw it.

Why can’t I get over the fact that my girlfriend has a huge sexual history? I don’t know. Can somebody help me, please? Also, is it normal that she had those kind of pictures still saved? Should I be mad?

Thank you for your help

[Latha]

Hi there, l.cuttini- I can see that this is really bothering you. To answer your last question first: I think it makes sense that she could have forgotten that she had this picture from some guy- so often I'll save things and only remember them when I look through my camera roll a year later. I don't think you need to be mad about this, but I understand feeling uncomfortable about it.

I think it may help to remember that, today, she is with you, not with any of those people. She says she loves you. From what you've said, I get the feeling that bringing her previous partners up so often is disrupting the loving relationship you have with her now.

I won't tell you to just forget about this, because that isn't so easy. But if you want to get over this issue, I think it would be useful to understand some things: (I hope you don't mind me asking) Why does your girlfriend's sexual history matter to you? What impact do you think it has on your relationship? Also, do you have specific concerns? If so, what would help you feel less worried?

[l.cuttini]

Hello, thanks for your response! I will try and answer your questions.

Why does your girlfriend's sexual history matter to you? I don’t really know. It’s just the thought of her with so many other guys really bothers me. And also the fact that she still has pictures of those guys, and not just their faces, but sometimes also their penises, makes it even worse. And also the fact that she sent nudes to those guys and they still have them saved on their phones really bothers me.

What impact do you think it has on your relationship? It has a bad impact, as always bringing it up is destroying our relationship. I really want to get over it, but I don’t know how, and this is really haunting me.


Also, do you have specific concerns? If so, what would help you feel less worried? I don’t think I have specific concerns. Just the thought of my girlfriend having sex with so many guys and having, sometimes, those guys pictures on her phone, bothers me.

[Carly]

Hey l.cuttini -- thank you for answering these questions. Because you're trying to figure out why you're feeling this way, I might end up asking a few more of you.

What is it about the thought of her being with "so many guys"? You've mentioned this a few times between all the posts in this thread, and you said it really bothers you. You have both been with people before each other, so there must be difference between you and her in your mind. Does knowing she's been with more people make you feel inexperienced maybe? It can be intimidating to know someone has more experience with a certain thing. Could you also be experiencing some jealousy?

I also to suggest something that might be a little hard to hear. I know you love your girlfriend - I can tell, because you're recognizing that this thought pattern is making your relationship difficult and you want to fix it. With that said, I'm hearing some judgement in the way you talk about her sexual past. You can love someone a lot and still hold thoughts about them that are negative. Does it make you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed that she's been with that amount of people, or that she's snapped with strangers? If a friend of yours knew this about your girlfriend, how would you feel?

Something I want to emphasize is that we're here to help, not to judge. Sometimes, when we're working through our feelings, we can come across things that make us uncomfortable - things we've said that we regret, things we've done that hurt others, judgements or biases we have, etc. It just sucks, there's no way to put it besides that. I want to encourage you to push through discomfort you feel, because I think you can really get to the bottom of why this is haunting you.

[l.cuttini]

Hello, thanks again for your response. I will try and answer all of your questions.

First of all, yes, it does make me feel inexperienced. It makes me doubt if I’m good enough in bed for her or if I can please her enough. However, I know I have no problem in bed. I’m good at what I’m doing, and my penis size is not a problem. And I’m not saying this because I’m cocky, but because I received feedback, both from my actual girlfriend, and from girls I slept with in the past. I have a big penis and I’m good I bed. As far as it concerns my current girlfriend, I’m the biggest she’s ever been with and I’m the best sex she’s ever had (I’ve seen texts, so I know she’s not lying). However, despite knowing all that, I still doubt myself and my sexual performances. Also, it’s really the thought and picturing in my mind that other guys did to her what I do to her, that really bothers me.

Also, yes, I am definitely jealous. I’m sure she wouldn’t cheat, but I still am.

Yes, it also kind of embarrasses me that she slept with many guys. She knew all the guys she slept with, and they were not all one night stands, but still. Also, she just snapped intimate pictures to guys she had sex with and that she knew, never to strangers or one night stands.

But right now the real problem is that I’m afraid she doesn’t really love me and that she can’t let her past go. I’m afraid she still cares about guys she slept with in the past, because of what I found on her phone.

[Carly]

Gotcha - thanks for going through all of this for me.

So, it sounds like you've gotten feedback directly from your girlfriend that she is happy with your sex life. What makes you feel like you can't take that at face value? You seem very sure of some things but not of others in this relationship. Do you notice that too?

I appreciate you being honest about feeling embarrassed. What makes you feel embarrassed about it though? That might help you find where you're holding your judgements here.

It sounds like you've talked about this stuff with her, but it also sounds like they tend to be fights or very tense conversations. Have you expressed that you're worried that she doesn't love you, or that you're worried she still care about other guys? Can you tell me how these conversations go?