Crush while in relationship… guilt!

[buggy3]

I (16f) am dating a girl who i am very much in love with. i’ve known her for about 9 months and things are really hard between us at times but in the end we figure it out and she makes me really happy. recently, in school i’ve developed a crush(ish?) on someone in my class, i’ll call her AT and i am wondering if this is normal/okay? I do not seek a relationship with AT and my love for my girlfriend has not changed at all. But sometimes i fantasize romantically and sexually about AT and it’s driving me mad!!! my girl would be crushed if she knew and i’m worried she deserves someone who doesn’t have these thoughts about other people. Wondering if this is okay and normal and if i should talk to my girlfriend?

[Michaela]

Hi Buggy3!

It sounds like this whole situation is causing you a lot of stress at the moment. Firstly, it is totally normal that sometimes crushes can happen even when in a committed relationship with someone. A lot of time crushes can fade on their own. Does this feel like something that could possibly go away with time?

In terms of fantasizing, fantasies can be just things that live in your head and are not anything that you want in real life-- it is totally normal to have fantasies like this and it does not mean that you care for your partner any less. We have more resources on fantasies if this is something you are interested in. Also sometimes people can desire relationships with more than one person at a time in open polyamorous relationships. So, relationships, desire, basically anything with feelings and emotions, can get a little complicated but I would not say that what you have described is anything to be alarmed about. If these feelings continue or become stronger, would you feel comfortable having a conversation with your girlfriend about it?

[Sam W]

Hi buggy3,

In addition to what Michaela said, I want to say it's extremely common for folks in happy, loving relationships to develop crushes on people who aren't their partners. That doesn't mean that they aren't attracted to their partner, or that they're doing anything wrong; it just means that attraction isn't a one an done emotion. For the majority of people, there will be multiple folks out in the world who are attractive to them.

As for whether to talk with your girlfriend about this, that depends a LOT on the kind of relationship you have. Some people can talk openly with each other about finding other folks attractive and have it be no big deal, but others find that it ends up poking at insecurities, or that they'd rather not know who else their partner is fantasizing about.

[buggy3]

thank you!!