What's wrong with me

[naurmi008]

Hi! My previous relationship was with a 20 year old man, and I was 14 (I know it's wrong, but at the time I thought it was ok because my bf at the time + his friends were encouraging it). He pressured me a lot sexually, and we ultimately broke up because he tried to force me into to having intercourse while I didn't want to. Ever since that, I feel like I've been sexualizing myself. My current partner is very consent-oriented, and doesn't force me into anything sexual at all. But it just feels like if I'm not sexualizing myself, he won't like me (even though his actions and words reassure me otherwise). I've read online that some girls with strained relationships with their fathers tend to find sexual validation in older men, but I have a good relationship with my dad for the most part. What's wrong with me?

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

I want to start out by saying that nothing is wrong with you; you were in a relationship with someone who pressured you and was also much older than you, and it sounds like you're still dealing with the after effects of that. That's the fault of your ex, not you. Too, I'm not a big believer in the idea that strained relationships with their dads are the main reasons young women or teenage girls end up in relationships with older men. For starters, as you pointed out, plenty of people who end up in them have good relationships with their fathers. But more than that, that framing puts the focus, and most of the blame, on the young woman or teenager, rather than on the older (usually adult) man who is seeking out much younger partners (often because he finds them easier to control or manipulate).

As for the situation with your current boyfriend, can you tell me a little more about what you mean by "sexualizing" yourself?

[naurmi008]

Hi, thank you for answering
What I mean by that is I'll bring up topics of conversation that's highly sexual first, put myself in sexual situations with him irl, etc. But most of the times, I want it to stop after a while and he asks if I want him to stop, but I can't tell him to stop. I think this stems from the fact that I'm scared that he'll dislike me if I don't give him sexual pleasure. I'm still having a hard time figuring this out, sorry if it's confusing :/

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and thank you for that additional detail!

Since it sounds like you know your keep steering conversations or interactions towards sex out of worry rather than desire, I do think it's worth talking with your boyfriend about what's going on and how you're feeling, and for the two of you to work out what sexual activities, if any, you're each comfortable with and want to engage in right now. Have you had any conversations with him about this so far? If so, how did they go?

[naurmi008]

Yes, I've talked to him about it! And his responses were always positive and affirmative of his morals (which is to always put consent first). We always go for abstinence, mostly because if we agree on sexual activities that are less extreme, it always seems to escalate. But after a while of being nonsexual, I just keep getting paranoid that he'll end up bored of me so I tend to end up being going back to being sexual and it ends up getting "out of control" and I get overwhelmed. I also have a deep underlying fear of pregnancy and get anxiety about it even when we do things that have no risk of pregnancy. I want to be able to enjoy sex with my partner but I don't know how to stop this cycle

[Sam W]

I think there are a few different things you could try here. One is to, when you feel yourself getting that paranoia, to actively pause and remind yourself of what he's told you and try to "dismiss" the anxious thought. I really like this tool as a way of guiding yourself through challenging an unhelpful thought: https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-an ... help-guide.

Too, I think it can also be helpful in the long term to learn to be comfortable fact that, if a partner does decide to end things due to a sexual mismatch, that isn't a bad thing. It can certainly hurt, and break-ups aren't very fun, but we each get to decide where our sexual boundaries are, and that includes times when we realize that we and a partner want/need radically different things from sex. Does that make sense?

[naurmi008]

Thank you for answering! Yes that does make sense and was very helpful. Thank you !!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and I'm glad it was helpful!