Feel like I will be punished for lying to my Grandmother

[raily_]

This is a very long story but please bear with me. As the most active moderators on this message board know, I have recently become sexually active. Me and my boyfriend are VERY safe, plus I am on birth control. He uses a condom and pulls out, so there is generally no way sperm could get inside me because he also checks after to make sure there are no leaks or anything on the outside of the condom. My period has been funky during the withdrawal week, so I have been using ovulation strips to check and see if my birth control is stopping my ovulation, making my periods not as bad (which is why I got on birth control in the first place; I was bleeding so bad I was making myself anemic).
I have been hiding the fact that I am sexually active from my grandmother, she is a very religious conservative woman and would kill me if she knew, and probably make me stop seeing my boyfriend. Yesterday she "deep-cleaned" my room and while doing that she went to pick something off the floor and put it back inside my nightstand drawer, right where the box of ovulation test strips was. When she asked me that night about it when I got home, I told her it was to see if my birth control was working right because my periods were starting to get bad again, which is the truth, but I also lied to her. She asked me if I and my boyfriend were doing anything and I had to tell her no, I promised her I wasn't doing that or anything bad.

Now I feel horrible, my anxiety is telling me God or something is going to punish me for lying this bad and make me pregnant from the last time I have sex and I just feel so horrible. Am I a bad person for lying and for being sexually active with my boyfriend?

[Sam W]

Hi raily_

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with not telling your grandmother the whole truth of what those strips were for. It sounds like she may not be a safe person to tell, and as we start to age out of teenage years into young adulthood, it's pretty common for us to have things we want or need to keep private. With those specifically religious fears around punishment, I actually think this article could be really helpful for you right now: Impurity Culture: Pregnancy and Fear

That being said, if you're living at home and still dependent on a parent/grandparent for a lot of things, there can be a lot of downsides to having to conceal the fact you're sexually active, and there's also no way to guarantee that they'll never find out on their own. That's why how a guardian will react is one of the things we recommend people consider when they're deciding whether or not it's a sound choice for them to be sexually active.

[raily_]

I'll definitely check out that article! I am staying at home for another year for college and then transferring to a different college so I have one more year before I move out on my own. She has never really treated me like my age until last night, the talk we had was very mature and it surprised me, I think that is why I felt so bad; because now she's trusting me and treating me like an adult and in reality I did not tell her the whole truth. Despite her being VERY religious and conservative, she did make the comment about sex that "I couldn't be doing that while I lived with her, at least not until I moved out" Which means she already knows I will be doing it soon when I thought she was under the impression I would be waiting until marriage (like her beliefs tell us to)
I made a post recently about my pregnancy anxiety, and I know she is the reason I have these deeply rooted pregnancy fears. I told my boyfriend I wanted to take a few weeks break, take another test where it is at least two weeks since the last time I had sex, get that negative result, and give my anxiety some relief before I consider sex again. Do you think that is the right thing to do?

[Sam W]

I think taking that break from sex is a really, really sound call given the anxiety you're dealing with, and is in fact something we often recommend for people who have recurring and/or intense pregnancy fears.

You know, with that conversation with your grandmother, parting of understanding that someone is an adult is understanding that they may choose not to share everything with you (I'd argue the same is true of teenagers, but people generally have less respect for teenager's privacy). So you're not going against that assumption by not revealing you're sexually active. Too, it sounds like she's been pretty clear about the "no sex under my roof" thing, so I assume that's something you and your boyfriend are factoring into the risks you're thinking about when it comes to sex.

[raily_]

I really appreciate your input, thank you so much. I love getting Scarleteen's input, this website is like my "big sister" when it comes to these things. I read the article you mentioned, and it really helped me understand a lot. Especially the "why" I have such bad pregnancy anxiety, I really have been raised in a "purity culture." I am still taking the few weeks break, but it was really relieving to read that article and understand I am not alone (and also not pregnant, because pregnancy isn't a punishment).
It has taken me a while to slowly understand that it isn't as easy to get pregnant as I was made to believe and that having sex isn't something I should feel guilty about.

[Sam W]

I'm so, so glad talking and getting information here is helping you!