Should I break up with my bf?

[naurmi008]

My mom recently found my previous pregnancy tests (which i took in a place of paranoia, not because i did anything that could pose a risk of pregnancy, but my mom doesn't believe me) and she just kept saying she's disappointed in me and can't trust me. she knew that i was sexual with my boyfriend in the past and she told me to stop, which i did for a while, and then did it again. i'm afraid my mom will make me break up with him. i still like him a lot and he's the one that's been there for me through everything. i don't know what to do

[Latha]

Hi there, Naurmi

I'm sorry that your mother doesn't believe you! If fact, even if you had done something that could pose a risk of pregnancy, I still don't think getting angry would be the best reaction.

This relationship seems like an important source of comfort and support for you, so I really hope you don't have to break up with your boyfriend. All the same, I can't comfortably advise you to keep dating him if your mother makes you break up. Having to sneak around can strain any relationship, and it isn't always easy to keep these things secret- if your mother found out that you were dating after she told you to leave him, she might get more upset than she is now.

If I may ask, how is your relationship with your mother in general? Can you usually communicate your perspective to her? If you can, I wonder if you could give her some time, and then ask her to sit down and talk to you- you may be able to change her mind a little or find some middle ground about this. We can help you brainstorm things to say during this conversation.

[naurmi008]

My relationship with my mom is good for the most part. And I'd like to mention that my mom didn't get angry! Well not the conventional type of angry, more of the "I can't believe this, this is ridiculous" and just disbelief type of angry (sorry if that made no sense). I would love if I could talk to her about this, but I just don't know what to say to her without upsetting her.
I'm currently in another country with my dad for vacation, and I think my mom's been going through my room, I'm just scared she'll go through my laptop and old phone and find my chats with my boyfriend (which I don't think she will since she's kinda bad with tech, but I'm still anxious).
I've been wanting to talk to her and stuff at least through texts but I'm scared whatever I'll bring up will upset her more. Especially after she sent me a lengthy text last night about how she is disappointed in me ans can't trust me much.
I feel so guilty because my mom is genuinely a great mom and I feel like the only way to not disappoint her further is by breaking up with my boyfriend. But that means I'm sacrificing my own mental state and a large chunk of my happiness. I don't know what to do

[Heather]

Hi there.

You know, I feel like there are more options here than you're seeing.

For instance, can you tell me what her disappointment was with you? Was it just about having sex, or was it about not being honest with her about it? Maybe also about having sex in such a way that you were worrying about pregnancy (rather than, say, having sex where your boyfriend uses a condom and you also use a secondary method of birth control)? When she asked you to stop, can you say more about that conversation? Do you and she just have different opinions about you having a sex life right now, in general?

She might get upset when you talk with her, but you know, that's something we always risk when we have real and honest conversations with anyone, whatever our relationship with them. Why do you feel like you need to keep her from being upset? Can she not handle her own feeling responsibly when she is upset? Or does it feel more like *you* can't handle it if and when she's upset?

I think having some honest conversations with your mother sounds like the way to go here. Even if you did just break up with your boyfriend, what would that do or solve? It would only be something hat helps you and your mother avoid what sounds like conflict you might have: it would not resolve that conflict. Get what I'm saying?

[naurmi008]

Hi! To clarify, i didn't have intercourse, just other forms of sexual interactions like giving bj/hj to my boyfriend.
I think my mom's disappointed because in the past she's asked me to be abstinent at least until I'm 18 and in university and also because I was dishonest with her.
She can handle her feelings for the most part, it's just me that doesn't know what to do. I get all anxious and worried when she's upset
I'd like to talk to her about this but I'm not sure on how to start a conversation with her regarding this

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

So, one helpful starting place might be to ask yourself why you feel anxious when your mom is upset. Do you not like seeing her distressed? Does her being upset generally lead to consequences for you? Do you worry that her being upset or disappointed in you is something your relationship can't recover from? Or is it something else entirely?

As for how to approach that talk, if you haven't already seen it, I'd take a look at the advice in this piece: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... i_still_be. Are there things in it that you can apply to talking with your mom?

[naurmi008]

I don't like seeing her upset because it makes me more disappointed in myself and I end up in an endless cycle of thoughts like "this is your fault mom is sad". I'm scared that her disappointment will lead to unwanted things like her making me break up with my boyfriend or her invading my privacy like putting an app in my phone to track my social activity
I've read the article and it seems helpful! I think I might apply some of the advice there