i can't finish with my boyfriend

[doorknobby22]

so for reference me and my boyfriend have really only been "sexually active" for a month, we've only done handjobs and fingering with a few attempts at me trying to give him head that didn't go well. my problem is-- whenever i give him a handjob he finishes in like 10 minutes but whenever he tries to do anything to me i can barely get any pleasure out of it and when i do start to feel good his hands get too tired to keep going . basically: i can't finish.

to go more into detail we've tried him fingering me and also touching my clit, when i do it myself i always do the latter. however i tend to be very specific about it, i like a certain motion pace and pressure and obviously it's hard for him to recreate that when he isnt the one with the clit, he's not me so he can't understand how i like it, and more the motion is tiring for him so he can't even go long enough for me to finish (never tiring for me but maybe i have more practice lol) and also the problem with fingering is that i've never even done it to myself so i have zero idea on how it works (he also doesn't know bc he doesn't have a vagina), and obviously if im not used to it i really can't feel good from it .

ik that finishing isn't the goal of sex but with small sexual encounters like these it pretty much is, i mean why else would u be doing it. i love him a lot and would never break up with him bc of this small issue but it just always leaves me feeling unfulfilled after we do anything and it's just a really bad feeling like literally blue balls for girls, and i always feel a little jealous bc he gets to finish 1-3 times and i don't even once and obviously feeling jealoud of him is bad for our relationship and bad for me because i feel like a bad person for being jealous

i just wanted to come on here mostly to ask for advice but also just outlet my problem bc it's embarrassing talking abt this to my friends since they have normal sex lives and can finish w their bfs and gfs and it just makes me feel weird. so PLS give me advice or just comfort

tldr: i can't finish with my boyfriend because he can't get the clit motion right and neither of us know how fingering works- i feel jealous of him and abnormal. advice and comfort pls!

[Amanda B]

Hi doorknobby22,

I'll start by saying this is a super common experience. While definitely frustrating, experiencing pleasure with a partner can be tricky business that just takes time, practice, and communication. We have a great article discussing this exact frustration, called Why can't I orgasm?

Let me know if anything from this article resonates with you. I'd also like to point out that it's easy to assume everyone else's relationships are perfect, but this certainly is often not the case. There's no such thing as a "normal sex life", and everyone has trouble finishing once in a while. People will often just talk about the good times in a relationship or sex life, so keep this in mind when comparing your relationship to your friends.

[doorknobby22]

I read the article and i think it's a mix of my own self consciousness and our combined lack of experience tbh ty!!

[Sam W]

I'm glad the article was helpful! Given what things jumped out at you from it, I think this article might have some helpful advice or frameworks for you to check out: The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism