Cocsa TW

[Cursed]

When I was younger I was a victim to cocsa multiple times and ended up being cocsa perpetrator. I can think of 5 kids that coerced me or forced to do sexual acts with them multiple times . And I can also think about situations with other kids where we were just curious. I can also think about another time a friends dad made me and my friend and her little brother perform sexual acts on each other for pleasure me and my friend were in kindergarten and her brother was in diapers. I was also sa by my moms ex boyfriend because she abandoned him with us after he already sa someone so she knew he was a bad guy. When i got placed into foster care I was forced to watch very hardcore porn that was borderline r*Pe with this older guy tht was the babysitters son (she fostered and adopted a lot of kids) (she didn’t know he was weird) when I got placed with family I became a cocsa perpetrator I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong bc I had been through it all my life with nobody to talk to about it. I sa my little brother who is 7 years younger than me I was 10/11 I think when it was happening idk it’s really a blur for me because I was also being physically mentally and verbally abused by family I know that I initiated I can think of one time I bribed but that’s really it. I moved out a couple of years ago and I’m now 16.I stopped at 11 because once I realized I was sa as a kid I realized I was doing the same thing and it was wrong and I never did it again I thought it was love or like a game idk. I hate myself so much for what I’ve done.what should I do? I’m a monster.it all came back to me not that long ago so this is my first time talking about it? Will my little brother hate me he’s the only reason on why I’m alive right now and after I remembered what I did when I was younger I thought about not having a relationship with him and how lost I would be. I asked him if I’m a mean or bad sister before I remembered and he says no and that he loves coming over but I just don’t want him to hate me when he gets older I’ve also apologized to him before I remembered about how I used to treat him and he said he knew I never meant any of it and that I was going through a lot but I just feel horrible and idk what to do. I don’t wanna bring it up to him bc he’s young and bc I don’t wanna bring back those memories if he doesn’t remember them I want him to live his life and be happy. Am I a bad person? I never meant to traumatize or hurt my lil brother.

[Carly]

Hi Cursed -- welcome to the boards. Thank you so much for trusting us with so much of your story. There's a lot we can talk about here, but I want to start to with the main topic in your post.

Because you've given a lot of information, I want to make sure I'm understanding correctly. When you apologized to your brother and he said he knew you didn't meant to hurt him, what were you apologizing for? Not COCSA, right?

Also, I noticed in your post that you made the distinction between times when other kids coerced you or forced you to do something, and other times when they were just curious. Can you say more about the difference between these? What makes them different? There's no right or wrong answer, I just want to learn more about how you view this situations.

[Cursed]

No I wasn’t because at the time I didn’t really remember what I had done. I was more so apologizing for being mean to him when we were younger because I just feel really guilty about things that I’ve done which is just “normal older sibling behavior” not the cocsa more so just being bossy being rude or not wanting to be around him. I would say the difference with “being forced” and “being curious” is to me being forced was like when I said no they guilt tripped me or like kept asking until I finally said yes or like no wasn’t an option if that makes sense. And like being curious was more of a idk mutual choice even thought obviously me and the other child couldn’t consent if that makes since. Like it was more of a “I wonder how this feels” I’m not sure how to explain it sorry. Like one of the times I would consider it cocsa was when the kid wouldn’t let me go home until I did what he asked.

[Cursed]

I’ve only opened up about my moms ex bf sa me but even then not really.I’ve never fully talked or told anyone about it because it’s hard to speak about it, talking about everything else I talked about is new this is my first time actually talking about it. Especially the one with my childhood bestfriends & her brother & her dad. Also I just realized that in my original post I may have made it seem like I was trying to justify what I did but I wasn’t I was just saying that I know that probably plays a part or is part of the reason on why I’m a pos. Idk if it came off that way but rereading it made me feel like I made it that way. I’ve had these thoughts in my head for the past 2 or 3 days I can’t stop thinking about how I hurt him it’s killing me. I feel like shit I can’t focus in school and I’ve been thinking about a lot of bad shit that doesn’t help. I just feel really stuck and lost right now and I’m trying to understand what happened but I can’t fully understand it or the reason why it happened or if I truly am a bad person.

[Jacob]

Hey Cursed,

I'm so sorry you're going through this mental turmoil. It sounds like you've had a pretty unsteady childhood, with some rather unsvoury adults in tow, which often is going to lead to uncertainty around how to interract positively with other people and how to reflect on those events.

I'll say that from what I've read here, you're not a monster or a bad person. If you were admitting to knowingly hurting people right now, I wouldn't call you those things either but we would be having a very different conversation.

I've always found it helpful to make a distinction between guilt and shame. We can feel genuinely guilty for things we have done and often that can help us understand those situations better, and make decisions about who we want to be after that. Shame, on the other hand, tends to linger as the feeling that the problem is what we are and that can get us far more stuck.

It sounds like the point you're at now is one where you've already dealt with enough guilt and pain to know what you're unhappy with, it's just overwhelming to process it, and you're on the edge of pointing that pain inwards.

Let's not do that. I'm going to remind you that you've survived a lot, and on top of that you've made big moves, at a young age, to turn around some behaviours you were deeply unhappy with. That isn't easy.

What do you think? Can we help with anything? It sounds like some assistance looking for mental health support or therapy of some kind could be helpful?

[Cursed]

I’ve been wanting some type of therapy but I’m just scared to trust people with everything just because I’ve never got to talk about anything I went through and it actually be about me because I wasn’t allowed to have private therapy sessions which I know that I can have them now but it’s still just a scary thing for me. But I do think it could be helpful. I was able to calm myself down and calm my thoughts as well so I’m feeling a little better but I just still feel like a bad person. Idk if I can ever forgive myself. I want to and I want to move forward from everything I want to just become a better person and to learn to love myself more but idk how I don’t know what steps I should take to achieve that for myself.

[Sam W]

Hi cursed,

I hear you expressing a real desire to address your feelings around all this, which is a really sound starting place for both healing from your own abuse and addressing the ways in which you hurt others.

I will say that it takes a specialized kind of help to work with someone who committed abuse as well as survived it, and that help is outside of the scope we can safely give here, both for you and for the other members of this community. So, my suggestion for a next step is to search for therapists in your area who have the training to help someone who is both a survivor and did harm themselves. You could also reach out to a local rape crisis center and explain the situation to them as you've explained it to us here to see if they can refer you to someone who can offer you the support you need. You could also try reaching out to his helpline; it's attached to an organization focused on preventing child abuse, but the people there may have a better sense of who to refer you to: https://www.whatsok.org/ask

[Cursed]

Thank you so much I’m gonna start working on getting the help I need