how to deal with a crush that i have no chance with

[sparklingstar]

Hello, so I've been having a crush on a long-time friend, and basically someone I don't have a chance with for now.

They're going to college this summer in a different city that's kinda far away. I'm not trying to get them to date me or confess my feelings or anything like that. I just can't help but feel sad that this person is leaving my life.

So I wanna ask tips on how to deal with feelings like these, since these feelings can be overwhelming at times. I also wanna ask them to have lunch with me one last time. Do you think gifting them pins that resemble their future major would be weird?

I also just want someone to know that I'm feeling all these stuff since it's kinda hard for me to talk about this with my friends or family.

[Nicole]

Hey sparklingstar,

Thank you for reaching out to us about this, we're happy to be here for you during this time! I completely understand your sadness. When my friends and I were separated because of the distances of our universities, it was really difficult at first and we were grieving the closeness we once had. We would text every day and try video chat whenever we could, so that definitely helped. Plus, we tried visiting each other's campuses during weekends and breaks if possible, and spent time together on breaks in general. So, in a way, this person doesn't necessarily have to leave your life.

However, I do understand that the crush aspect of this is very difficult and it's not like the relationships between me and my friends. Could you go into more detail about these feelings that you're having? Part of me wants to tell you that it's possible to attempt to continue a relationship with this person, even if it doesn't end up being romantic. Although, part of me wonders if that would be healthy for you. Like, if keeping in touch would cause heartbreak, or if time apart could dissolve the feelings you have for them. What do you think?

For now, I think it's a nice idea to have lunch with them and no, I don't think gifting them the pins would be weird at all! That's actually very nice of you and I'm sure they would really appreciate that.

[sparklingstar]

hi Nicole,
So my relationship and how i develop a crush on them is kinda... unconventional i would say. we weren't classmates in any of my school years because I'm 1 year older than them, we just kept in contact via text messages every once and a while.

I realized my crush for them around last year, when i was going through a tough time and their messages really made me feel so much better about myself. they were just always so non-judgmental and supports me all the time. i feel like that's why i have a crush on them.

as for my feelings, something interesting is, i was feeling really overwhelmed and stressed before i ask them to go to lunch with me, but after asking them today, i felt a lot better after that's off my chest even though they haven't replied yet. according to my past experiences, whenever i'm texting with them, i end up not being that stressed out about the whole situation. so i guess feeling like this person is still in my life can make me feel more safe?

also thank you for the reassuring reply! i really appreciate it.

[Michaela]

Hi Sparklingstar,

First off, I want add that the pin idea sounds very cute and a nice way to show them that you care about them and are supportive of their future goals.

I’m glad to hear that you were able to have some support during a hard time for you, that can truly make a difference. I know that I hold a lot of gratitude for people like that in my life too. You mentioned that was about a year ago, what has your relationship looked like with them now? Does it still tend to be mainly over text?

Like what Nicole said above, there are definitely ways to keep this person in your life if that is what you are wanting, especially thanks to all the amazing technology at our fingertips. It might be helpful to think about in what way you want this person in your life and how much contact you want to have with them. For example, since you said that their support means a lot to you, you could talk to them about setting up regular FaceTime calls to catch up or texts at whatever intervals work for you both like every week, every month, every couple of months, etc. What would be the ideal amount of connection that you would want to continue with them?

[sparklingstar]

hey Michaela,

yes, we still text mostly as our form of socializing. it's mostly due to my preference and our culture i think. I've never called my best friend on my cellphone, just because we aren't really comfortable with it, and we just prefer texting. other than texting, I've invited them to go to lunch 6 months ago, and probably next week as well.

to be honest, this year has been the most active regarding our friendship. i just feel like i'm more comfortable with myself and around them, so i'm more willing to be the one to initiate a conversation when i feel like it. and even if i initiate convos more frequently, they're also willing to find more things to talk about, so i guess that means they like chatting with me as well?

i feel like in the future, i'd like to have a meal with them maybe every other month. like during summer break and winter break, just to catch up and know they're okay. and maybe whenever i thought of something fun that i learned in class, i'll text them about it as well.

[Sam W]

Hi sparklingstar,

It sounds like you have a pretty clear sense of what relationship and communication dynamic works between you and them, which is great. And I agree that it sounds like they do enjoy texting with you and catching up with you (obviously I can't speak for them, but as someone who is TERRIBLE at remembering to initiate text conversations with my friends, it is appreciated when a friend shares something with me they think I'll find interesting or funny).