gender is so confusing

[swimminginspace]

so, when i was 15 or so, i started questioning my gender and came out as nonbinary. i experimented with a lot of different pronouns and terms underneath that umbrella until I started facing some sexual trauma at 17, which freed me from dysphoria and allowed me to not have to obsess over labels anymore. i'd tell people i identified as neither cis nor trans. i was comfortable in my body, so i could just shrug it off and say "my gender is that i am me". i was saying that, but the truth is that i was trying to slowly ease myself into just being cis again. i was thinking of myself and addressing myself as a girl again, wearing feminine clothing and becoming comfortable with she/her pronouns again alongside other pronouns. and, like, the comfort was real, but the relinquishing of my transness due to that comfort was very suspicious.
so, all of this was happening, but one night during a youtube scroll, i came across one of those "how to tell you're trans" videos by a creator i'm familiar with — except it was in much more detail and much more helpful than other videos i've seen like that. the guy was just talking about his own experience, basically being like "look at your own life decisions and how you make them, expose yourself to what it looks like to be a happy trans person, talk to other trans people about their experiences, ask yourself what makes you most and least confident in being trans" etc etc. the really in-depth and introspective approach instead of just saying "if you were a tomboy, you're a trans guy" really intrigued me, so i wrote a lot, i talked to my trans friend about their experiences as a trans person, i've started keeping almost a sort of "gender journal"... this time, it feels like i'm actually exploring my gender because of genuine curiosity, not because i feel like i have to know all life's answers and if i'm "valid".
and the conclusion that i've already come to after 3 days is that i'm definitely trans...again. what flavor of trans, i'm not sure, but i'm not cis. and the worst — and kind of weirdest — part about this is that, surprise! my dysphoria has come back to throat punch me, and it's never been more severe. i can't look in the mirror without feeling physically nauseous and having no choice but to stop. i have to close my eyes whenever i'm going about my day and taking too much notice of what my body looks like. my face doesn't look like my face, or maybe it is my face, but the body and hair makes everything else look alien. it feels like i discovered i'm trans for the first time all over again and... i don't know what to do? the truth is that i'm scared to be trans. i don't want to be trans. i feel like i'm treated better and given more grace because i'm a girl, and i'm scared of what it means to give that up. i don't know what it means to be a guy, if i end up being one. i don't know how to be a man in society. i'm not brave enough to be one in society. even since the beginning, even though i didn't have the self-awareness to know or admit it, i've never actually accepted myself. it doesn't matter that my mom's accepted me no matter what because i still feel terrible when i talk to her about my gender.
basically, it's like i'm coming out to myself and doing the basics all over again. i know this is all too much for anyone to give advice, so, instead, i'd like to hear other people's experiences. if you once had a lot of internalized transphobia, but are doing better now: what changed? what helped you?

[Latha]

Hi there, swimminginspace! We haven't forgotten your post, we're just waiting to see if someone on the boards with similar experiences might chime in. (These are complicated feelings, but they are not necessarily too much to give advice for- we can always address some parts, at least. How does that sound?)

[swimminginspace]

no worries! that sounds good <3

[swimminginspace]

ah, also my bad!! somehow i missed that there's a gender section! i should have put this post there

[Heather]

It's no big deal. But I can move it for you, if you'd like me to!

[swimminginspace]

yes please! maybe more people will see it there

[Heather]

Done! Just FYI, the place you had originally posted is marked as a space where ONLY staff and volunteers can reply, so if you ever want to post something you want open to the whole community to answer, not just our team, be sure to post it in one of the areas that isn't marked that way. <3

[swimminginspace]

oh okay! thanks so much for letting me know ^^