unsure what to make of this

[Michaela]

Hi Sky,

I’m so sorry to hear that you had a sexual experience that you were pressured into and you are right you did nothing wrong. It seems like it has been an intense past day or so for you reflecting and digging into this. Taking steps, like deleting the photos, sounds like a good choice to be focusing on yourself and processing everything from this. But, even so, I can see how it is extremely difficult given your history with him. So, I want to encourage you to take your time and we can move forward at a pace that feels right for you. What would be supportive of us to help you at the moment?

[sky]

I honestly just feel dumb. I defended him for so long. He made me so afraid one night and I just apologized and took the blame because I had watched porn before we met and he was angry that I saw another penis and he was so mad like so mad, then I let him meet my family. I thought that was something normal to do, I didn’t know your partner wasn’t supposed to make you feel fear so deeply. I thought we loved each other and I thought that was enough to keep us going. I thought that he did the things to me sexually and mentally because he loved me. I think about my future partners and I never want to make anyone feel like that but specifically, someone I love feel like that, EVER.

[sky]

I’m gonna try to make this make as much sense as I can. Can I act like the sexual things with him didn't happen? Like do I have to tell a future partner about that kind of sex we had even though it was oral and manual and direct genital contact once that I didn’t say was okay, I asked for a condom to be worn.

I know if you have intercourse it needs to be communicated with your partner but as for this kind of sex, do I have to count it and the other guy? It’s embarrassing that I consented to the first guy but like it just was embarrassing and then with him it was so fast and I liked some of it but a lot I felt forced and I don’t even know if I’m a virgin anymore. I know virginity is definable by each individual and for awhile I was like oh, I’m not. And now I’m like please let me be I don’t want those to be my experiences.

Does that make any sense?? I can try to elaborate if it’s needed!

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

So, this is one of those things where it depends a lot on what you're comfortable with and what helps you make sense of your experiences. Too, some people who experience assault will decide not to "count" it in terms of things like virginity, because a wanted and eagerly sought experience is very different from one where there was pressure, coercion, or force.

When it comes to talking with any future partners, your experiences with him are most likely to come up in terms of conversations about safety. For instance, you may have sexual activities you need to avoid entirely because of what happened with him. Too, if I'm remembering correctly, he transmitted herpes to you; that diagnosis would be something to tell a partner if sex is on the table, but you don't have to go into how you contracted it unless you wanted to.

I do want to steer us away from this conversation slightly, because while it's great that you're processing what he did, I know Heather set a boundary around discussing this guy or this relationship. And the tricky thing is, talking about the crummy things he did has the potential to keep you as focused on him as thinking back positively did. Do you see what I'm getting at there?

[sky]

It was never confirmed herpes. Genital psoriasis is more fitting to everything happening.

Yes I get you, sorry if I crossed a boundary. I feel so like broken and used, I wish I could forget it all or go back and not let any of it happen, with being molested or dating him or anything like that.

[sky]

I really just need to get this all out. So I just came back from a friends house, she usually tells me when she’s going to drink so that I can decide if I want to come or not because I usually don’t go when they are drinking. We made plans and they decided last minute to drink and they asked if it was okay and I said yes and they said they could but it in a cup so I wouldn’t see it and I was like it’s okay! It really is, because it was!

So, then, the guy I have a crush on came over. It was fun we all had a good time hanging out but then I hit a point where I wish I was drinking so I could talk to him more and not think so I was like fuck it so I started talking to him, we ended up getting into a bunch of conversations and he was talking about how long it’s been since he’s been with anyone and that he’s not really looking for anything serious right now etc.

It wasn’t bad conversation it was just a couple friends talking you know? Then I started to shut down because he was talking to his guy friend like damn I’m celibate now and I was just thinking I’ve never even done THAT, like what you want and then I felt inferior. Then I just, felt like I should see like if we connect and we could fool around maybe we could be friends with benefits. I was sitting around a group of people who talked about past experiences and relationships and I’m here with one short term relationship that didn’t even go anywhere sexually so I was still like excluded from the conversation.

It felt like, you know when you were little and you went to parties and they kids always played outside or in the room and when everyone ate there was the kids table? I felt like I was at the kids table watching the adults have their grown up conversations and have their cool drinks. I just feel so inferior right now. I hate weekends extra too they make me long for the past, dancing and drinking and flirting. So this happening on already a sensitive time wasn’t great.

I also don’t even know how to make moves, I know being honest and communicating is key but like I don’t like to say the words and like just saying let’s make out and touch, it’s always gotten them hard and then they get extra like grabby and stuff. Then they want more and I don’t know what to do then.

It’s just so isolating feeling. Really hurts my heart. I feel like an outsider at all anymore.

[Latha]

Hi again, sky!

1. I understand why you feel 'broken and used', but I hope you know that you're not worth any less for what happened.

2. I'm not sure I have all the context for the herpes/psoriasis situation, but when you say that it wasn't confirmed, did you get tested? Getting tested for herpes might help you know for sure.

3. Let me know if I'm mistaken- when you said you wished you were drinking so you could talk to him, was that to help you relax and not overthink? If you don't want to drink, we could brainstorm other ways to relax in similar situations. Still, it seems like you two had a good conversation anyway.

4. I can see why that conversation made you feel that way- having sexual relationships is treated like a milestone of maturity in many places. But that connection isn't really justified- you aren't inferior to or less mature than your friends just because you haven't had those experiences. Even if you were to decide that you never wanted such experiences, you would still be their equal.

5. You say weekends make you long for the past- I wonder if it might help to find other enjoyable weekend activities. That could give you something to look forward to and keep your mind from dwelling on the past.

6. If you don't mind me asking, what don't you like about those words re: asking people to make out? Also, if they want more and you don't, you can really just say no. They should respect that- it doesn't really hurt them.

(Hope you don't mind the list format- I just wanted to address different things and keep my response organized)

[sky]

I do not mind the list! It helped me too actually

I lost insurance before I got tested and planned parenthood is hundreds to get tested. So I have to wait until I get insurance again to get tested. I’m 99% certain it’s not herpes.

Regarding weekend activities, It’s like anything has alcohol anymore and I feel like a pest asking my friends to hang out a lot of the time.

It’s not the “do you wanna make out” that is uncomfortable for me it’s the like use of gross words like the p word just say vagina I hate the p word and then it’s like I hate the word vagina. I don’t even like to say the word penis like “can I touch your penis” or “can you lick me” or anything like that sounds disgusting. It’s all weird and I hate having these conversations sometimes because I realize how backwards I am compared to the people around me.

I just want to ask him if we can try to have sex, like we have a connection already, he’s had sex before so he knows what to do unlike me, I know for a fact he wouldn’t yell at me or hit me or push after I said no, stop or anything else like that.

[Carly]

Hey sky -- is Planned Parenthood the only option you know of near you? It's been a while since we talked and I don't remember where you live, but sometimes county health departments do STI testing for little or no cost as a public health measure. You might have already done this as well, but in the past I've been able to get sliding scale/free services through Planned Parenthood by discussing my income with them.

So, when you have conversations about consent and what you want to do with people, do you think it's the words themselves? Or is it feeling how you're different than the people around you is highlighted when you have these conversations?

I also just want to gently push back on you saying you know for a fact that this person wouldn't yell or hit you if you said no. What makes you feel so sure? I'm saying you're wrong, especially because I don't know the person you're talking about. This is just a very big thing to assume, even if it is the way you should be treated. What has your crush done to earn the kind of trust you're putting in him?

[sky]

Yes, it’s the only place who tests for herpes near me without insurance I’ve looked, a lot.

He’s earned my trust because I’ve seen him around so many people and he’s always sweet and gentle. Also, my friend wouldn’t associate with an abuser or shitty person.

It’s the words and the idea that it’s what I want to do, it’s gross to me, sex, I wish I didn’t have to say anything about it, it was just like a known thing. I know sex is natural etc but for me it just feels weird and icky and if I have to talk about sexual things I like to use the technical terms with it all. Is that makes more sense

[Latha]

Hello Sky!

Ah, that's unfortunate- these services really need to be more accessible.

About the guy you have a crush on: I can see why that would make you trust him, and I think that is a good basis for a provisional trust. The thing is, abusive people don't always treat everyone around them in the same way- they can be kind to some people but not to others. In all likelihood, he truly is sweet and gentle, and he will continue to be that way with you and treat you with respect if you ever don't want to do something. With anyone, just remember to prioritize your safety and comfort.

That makes sense, and it is understandable that you feel that way. Would you like to work on feeling differently about these words?

[sky]

It would be nice to say the words maybe yeah.

I hate talking about any of this sometimes because I feel like it wasn’t bad and let it go and then if I go to therapy I don’t know how to talk to them and I don’t know how to heal because all I do is blame myself. Every negative experience I have had with being abused or touched in way I didn’t want, I can switch it and make it on me.

Back in high school they did a sex thing in pe. A lady came and talked about safe sex etc, she was like if you don’t want your boyfriend to think you’ll have sex then don’t make out with him on the couch when no one’s home. I think now and I’m like oh lol I led them all on. It’s hard I just want to trust someone and have some connection and feeling good with them the mutual tingling of arousal etc.

[Heather]

Hey sky.

I am just seeing the discussion here regarding insurance (and since I was last in the thread, period), and I just want to remind you of something I talked with you about in chat some time ago. You could get access to healthcare through either permanent or temporary disability, both of which I could nearly guarantee you qualify for with your mental health and other health and trauma history.

Disability and Medicare/Medicaid could get you any testing and other ongoing healthcare you need, including therapy, on top of potentially helping you support yourself with your other practical needs while you're struggling with finding or keeping work.

Here are the links I gave you before. I strongly encourage you to just apply as soon as you see them and not put it off. This is a way to actually get some of your needs met. If you need help filling out the application, that's something we can also likely help you with:
• https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/disability/
• https://benefitoptions.az.gov/disability

I am seeing conflicting information between things you have said in chat over the last year or so about a few different things and that is troubling me.

Some of your talk here in this thread very much also continues to violate the boundary I have set with you per talking more about your ex in our services. I know you know that's not okay, including when and if new members of the team may not be aware of that boundary, or know your history enough to know when you are talking about that one ex to be violating it. You and I have also long been talking about how you pursuing or asking about sex with anyone else is something you have been very clear you do not want, but instead feel compelled to do and out of control with, so is NOT something that's actually healthy for you. I have asked you in the past not to try and engage me or the rest of the team in things that we know to be unhealthy for you.

I personally think stepping back from our services for a couple of days while we also figure out the best ways we can help you out as a team would be a good idea for everyone. Using the time you might to post to apply for disability and other services strikes me as absolutely in your best interest and likely even a more fruitful use of your time and energy than being in our direct services, anyway, since those services can meet very basic but often unmet needs of yours that we can't.