my teacher groomed me (?)

[naurmi008]

Hi! sorry to be so active here,, i just needed to talk about this. So a few months ago, my teacher started talking to me about his personal problems (i.e. his problems with his gf and how she doesn't want to have sex w him) and it somehow escalated into him encouraging me to flirt with him. we ended up flirting sexually a lot. he got kicked out after i reported him, but he spread the private pictures i sent to him. my friend at that time who supported me the most "betryed" me and started to spread those pictures that she got from the teacher. my parents and their lawyer got involved and it's a messy situation right now. people keep saying it's my fault and that i seduced him and that i'm a whore. it feels like any time i interact with a guy it always ends up as me being painted as a whore and getting me into trouble. i feel like i want to avoid men all together now

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

I'm so sorry that your teacher made the choice to behave that way towards you, and that people are choosing to blame you for what happened rather blame the grown adult who decided to sexually pursue not only someone much younger than him but someone whom he had power over as their teacher. You deserve support after an incident like, not blame, and it sucks that so many people are not offering that to you.

Given that, how can we best support you around all this?

[naurmi008]

did he have power over me because of his position? he kept telling me "what power do i have over you? what can i do to you?" it made me feel really guilty. i remember him lying to my bf and saying "i did it because i didn't know you guys were dating" which made me think, is the only reason stopping you from doing this to other students is because they have partners, not because of their age and different power dynamics? people said i'm a whore for "cheating" on my boyfriend with the teacher, but i'm confused. did i cheat because i flirted back and consented to that teacher pursuing me sexually? did i get manipulated or is it my fault? i feel guilty and sad and i blame myself a lot
and as for help, i think for now i need some advice an reassurance from people who can think logically and are not in a bad mental state like i am

[Sam W]

Ugh, it sounds like he's really going out of his way to try to pretend this was somehow a fully consensual dynamic between two equals instead of him pursuing someone he had ZERO business being sexual with. To answer his completely nonsense question: he had plenty of power over you. I don't know the exact rules in your school, but when I was in school teachers had, at minimum, the power to do the following:

-Control your grades (which, by extension, could control your access to other opportunities)
-Assign detention or other disciplinary measures

Those two things alone are a ton of power to have over someone. They're also the reason, along with laws around age of consent, nearly every school has explicit rules against teachers pursuing students.

This wasn't your fault, it was his, and it sucks that so few people around you seem to grasp that. Do you have anyone--friends, family, other teachers--who seems to be on your side?

[Jacob]

Hey Naurmi

Just to echo Sam, I think it's worth saying that no this isn't your fault at all! We have all have a right to an education where we never have to do anything extra, like asking a teacher not to flirt with us or giving them information about our dating life. Stopping that situation from happening isn't your job, it's 100% his job.

I also saw that Heather asked if you could keep our discussions to one thread; this one: worried?.

It sounds like these events at your school are a big contributor to how you've been feeling and it's no wonder that you've had anxiety show in other ways. So lets move all our replies there OK?

I'm going to lock this thread and make a post on that thread which quotes your posts and Sam's reply, so we can keep the focus (and the progress!) in one place.