worried?

[naurmi008]

Hi! ever since my horrendous pregnancy scare, i've been practicing "safer sex". the only thing i've been doing with my bf is him fingering me. even so, i've been a bit paranoid especially with the thoughts of "oh he said he masturbated before we met, could there me sperm on his fingers?" even though he masturbated at least 1-2 hours before we met up. is there any way i could put my worries to an end? thank you!!

[Michaela]

Hi there naurmi008!

Happy to put your worries to an end! Sperm can only live for a very short time outside of the body. So, even if your boyfriend did masturbate 1-2 hours before you met up the sperm would definitely not be alive and capable of getting you pregnant. Nevertheless, practicing some basic hygiene like washing hands before engaging in manual sex is always a good idea too!

[naurmi008]

Hi!! thank you sm! i read online that sperm can only survive 15-30 minutes outside of the body, could this be true? thank you in advance !

[Nicole]

Hi naurmi088,

I believe so but under the right conditions, which means they have to be exposed to proper temperature and all that. Sperm in semen exposed to the open air will usually die within a few hours. I'll link below two articles that explain this more thoroughly. I think they will answer your question and more!

• Are My Sperm Still Squirming?

• Who's Afraid of Sperm Cells?

I hope this helps and let me know if you have any more questions!

[naurmi008]

Hi! Thank you for your reply! So is it safe to believe that the sexual activity I engaged in had no pregnancy risk?

[Nicole]

Hi again naurmi008,

Yes, there doesn't seem to be a risk of pregnancy here!

[naurmi008]

Hi! sorry to come back to this thread, I need some fact-checking to calm my irrational fears down could i get an explanation as to why residue of ejaculate (cum) could not pose a risk of pregnancy?

[Carly]

Hey naurmi -- Sperm are not strong enough to survive that long outside of the body. If your boyfriend masturbated 1-2 hours before you met up, the sperm would definitely not be alive and capable of getting you pregnant.

[naurmi008]

Does that mean there would have to be a sufficient amount of fresh, wet sperm that's instantly put up there to pose a risk of pregnancy? Thank you in advance!

[Latha]

Hi Naurmi!

Ah, by that you mean vaginal intercourse where they ejaculate inside, right? Not exactly. That is an activity that is more likely to cause pregnancy if someone doesn't use contraceptives/practice safer sex, but there are other activities that pose less risk of pregnancy, but not no risk. For example, direct contact between the genitals, like in frottage, presents a moderate risk of pregnancy- this becomes higher if one partner ejaculates onto the other's genitals. Sperm can't survive for two hours on a hand, but there is a middle ground between that and vaginal intercourse. Does that make sense?

(You can read more about the risks that different activities pose here)

[naurmi008]

Hi! Thank you for your response! I meant that would the risk of pregnancy only be possible if there was a bunch of fresh, wet sperm on a finger that was inserted in to a vagina? i've been so worried that there would be a risk of pregnancy from some residue/trace of ejaculate on my partner's fingers before he fingered me. i don't think it's possible since he masturbated at least an hour before we engaged in manual sex, plus we went out to do some grocery shopping so his hands rubbed a bunch of other stuff, but i'm still so worried

[Latha]

The first situation would be direct genital contact with semen, so yes, that's risky. But in the other situation, there isn't really a risk for the residue/trace you described, so you don't have to worry. And as Michaela mentioned, washing one's hands is a good idea in general- if he washes his hands, any leftover residue will be gone.

[naurmi008]

So to clarify, that means that traces of ejaculate on someone's finger wouldn't pose a pregnancy risk but that it would literally have to be lots of fresh ejaculate on their finger that's stuck up there immediately?

[Heather]

Hi again, naurmi. I'm sorry to see you're still having such a hard time with this.

One thing I know from working with people in this kind of pregnancy scare for decades now is that the way you're approaching this not only often will not help this kind of anxiety except in the very short term, it actually will keep you stuck in cycles of it. We've connected you to the facts and answered these kinds of questions already. Intellectually, assuming you've read all the links and other information we have provided you, you now factually know what does and doesn't present a realistic pregnancy risk.

The reason that those facts, and continuing to try and get them again and again, isn't helping with this is that a lack of facts clearly isn't the problem. Instead, it's much more likely that the real issue is you being sexual in ways or circumstances where you do not feel fully safe or comfortable, paired with anxiety. So, to solve for those things, you need to actually get qualified help for anxiety -- like through therapy, medication or both, depending on what a qualified healthcare provider thinks would be best for you -- and change what you're doing. I think in your case, the second part is actually the most important.

It sounds to me like any sexual activity with a partner with a penis right now, or with this particular partner, or in your community or at this time of life, is creating fear and anxiety for you instead of pleasure and joy. I suspect you even enter into any of that sexual activity with our partner feeling anxious and fearful about this rather than from a place of comfort and pleasure. I also suspect it may well be a big reason you're being sexual with this partner still isn't even so much about what you want and need at the moment but more about what you feel you have to do for him or have to do to be in an intimate relationship. (I also wonder if you might feel like you have to be in some kind of sexual or romantic relationship, period, whether or not it actually is right for you at the time.)

We can talk more about all that if you like (and I think it would be a good idea if we did), but we need to set a limit now on engaging with your scares the way we have been. You already have the information about how pregnancy happens and doesn't, so if you want that again, I need to ask you to re-read your threads and the articles we've linked to in them, okay?

We also need to put a limit on engaging with you when you are in the thick of a pregnancy scare: that isn't actually going to help you -- it will be better for you to get yourself through it -- and it's something we have to put a limit on with users with how we spend our time and energy. We also need to do our best to be helping people in ways we know actually help, and try to avoid or stop interacting in ways we know do not help or even make something worse.

Can we move these conversations to talking about things I am very sure will help you more, like discussing why you think you are engaging in any sexual activity right now, or in a sexual relationship, period, right now, when it all mostly seems to make you feel scared and anxious?

[naurmi008]

Hi, yes I would like to talk about why I think I'm engaging in sexual activities right now that causes me more anxiety than pleasure. Can I open up a new topic for that?

[Heather]

Let's go ahead and stay in this thread, okay? It's what got us to the point, after all. Sometimes it's hard for us to keep up with a user who has many topics and threads.

How about you maybe get the ball rolling here by just first filling me in on what your motivations for being in a sexual relationship -- and this particular one -- are right now? What *positive* things that really last -- that aren't easily undone by your worry, in other words -- are you getting from being in sexual relationship lately? What enduring pleasure, joy and benefit does it bring you?

[naurmi008]

I think on the surface level, I engage in sexual activities with my partner because it makes him feel good which makes me happy. Like knowing that I'm giving him pleasure makes me feel good about myself. But if I think deeper into it, maybe it's because all my experiences with my boyfriends so far just ends up as him being attracted to me sexually, so it made me subconsciously think that if I'm not sexual with him, he won't like me.
And as for benefits, I can only think of the momentary pleasure, nothing long lasting

[Heather]

Thanks for telling me those things. I know they can sometimes feel bad to feel or to share with someone else, so thanks for extending trust around those shares, too.

Even physical and emotional pleasure we get from sex itself can last long past the moment, but for that to happen, we tend to need the right situations, environments, and headspaces. We also need to generally be going about sex in a way where our own pleasure is as centered as anyone elses.

But in this particular situation, I have something to suggest, which would also give you a break from pregnancy anxiety, as an extra bonus.

If any of our relationships are healthy ones, we all want to be with each other for more than just one reason or thing; we all will also tend to like each other based more on just who we are than what one of us does for the other. And for us to feel secure, for real, in any kind of relationship, we generally can't feel like there's something like sex we have to keep doing for the other person to want to build and sustain that relationship with us.

How about if you let your current boyfriend know that you need to take everything sexual off the table for a couple of weeks. If you feel good, not anxious, with affectionate touch like hugging, cuddling or holding hands (rather than feeling like you must offer these things to him), you can tell him that kind of touch is okay, but you need a break from sex. During those two weeks, you can build and focus on other parts of your relationship together, including other ways besides sex you can share things that bring you both pleasure. We can find and explore pleasure in a zillion ways, after all: sex is only one of them. You can explore other ways to spend time together and get close to each other. (This article can come in handy there: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... and_sonots). If he's been the one initiating any of your previous sexual contact, I'd be really clear with him that he's not to ask you if the break from sex is over while you're in it. When you have had that time and are clear on your own feelings and needs moving forward, you'll bring the topic to him.

During this time, you can get more of a feel for how this is as a relationship: does it stand well on its own? Do you feel good in it? Does it feel mutually beneficial? Do you actually like each other? Are there a whole range of things you can do together, ways to get and be close? Do you feel good about yourself in this relationship when you're not providing sex? Does it make you happy? Do you get a strong feeling from him, without sex, that he likes, cares about and values you?

You also will have some time to think more about if you even want a sexual relationship right now, with him or with anyone besides yourself for that matter. If you wind up thinking you do, you'll be able to think about what you'll need for that to be something where not only is your pleasure just as centered, but where you actually feel comfortable and good before, during and after, including around any risk of pregnancy.

How does all of that sound? Does that sound like something you might be open to trying?

[naurmi008]

Yes I am open to that! But a part of me is scared that what if I delve too deep into it and turns out we aren't compatible and we break up? I'm scared of that possibility

[Heather]

I certainly understand. Can we try and talk that through a little?

If you actually don't enjoy being together or work together without there being anything sexual, and we already know that the sexual stuff isn't great for you, then why would you *want* to stay together?

In other words, if all those things were true, it really would be better to know so you both could instead put your energy into relationships (or finding relationships) where everyone in them IS compatible, does enjoy being together, does like each other a lot all around.

But even when a relationship is anywhere from outright bad to just not being something good, we might feel like not having it is scary or a problem.

You're obviously having some of those projected feelings. So, why would not being in a relationship where you aren't good together in a larger way be something that scares you? What feels scary about that to you?

[naurmi008]

if we were 100% incompatible, i don't think i'd be worried. But right now i really do think he's great for me! He asks for consent and respects my boundaries, it's just me that can't control myself. And he's great in other aspects too, he's been there for me through so much that I'd be sad to let him go. Am I being too codependent?

[Jacob]

Hey,

As promised here's a summary of the other thread:

Hi! sorry to be so active here,, i just needed to talk about this. So a few months ago, my teacher started talking to me about his personal problems (i.e. his problems with his gf and how she doesn't want to have sex w him) and it somehow escalated into him encouraging me to flirt with him. we ended up flirting sexually a lot. he got kicked out after i reported him, but he spread the private pictures i sent to him. my friend at that time who supported me the most "betryed" me and started to spread those pictures that she got from the teacher. my parents and their lawyer got involved and it's a messy situation right now. people keep saying it's my fault and that i seduced him and that i'm a whore. it feels like any time i interact with a guy it always ends up as me being painted as a whore and getting me into trouble. i feel like i want to avoid men all together now

Hi naurmi008,

I'm so sorry that your teacher made the choice to behave that way towards you, and that people are choosing to blame you for what happened rather blame the grown adult who decided to sexually pursue not only someone much younger than him but someone whom he had power over as their teacher. You deserve support after an incident like, not blame, and it sucks that so many people are not offering that to you.

Given that, how can we best support you around all this?

did he have power over me because of his position? he kept telling me "what power do i have over you? what can i do to you?" it made me feel really guilty. i remember him lying to my bf and saying "i did it because i didn't know you guys were dating" which made me think, is the only reason stopping you from doing this to other students is because they have partners, not because of their age and different power dynamics? people said i'm a whore for "cheating" on my boyfriend with the teacher, but i'm confused. did i cheat because i flirted back and consented to that teacher pursuing me sexually? did i get manipulated or is it my fault? i feel guilty and sad and i blame myself a lot
and as for help, i think for now i need some advice an reassurance from people who can think logically and are not in a bad mental state like i am

Ugh, it sounds like he's really going out of his way to try to pretend this was somehow a fully consensual dynamic between two equals instead of him pursuing someone he had ZERO business being sexual with. To answer his completely nonsense question: he had plenty of power over you. I don't know the exact rules in your school, but when I was in school teachers had, at minimum, the power to do the following:

-Control your grades (which, by extension, could control your access to other opportunities)
-Assign detention or other disciplinary measures

Those two things alone are a ton of power to have over someone. They're also the reason, along with laws around age of consent, nearly every school has explicit rules against teachers pursuing students.

This wasn't your fault, it was his, and it sucks that so few people around you seem to grasp that. Do you have anyone--friends, family, other teachers--who seems to be on your side?

[naurmi008]

Hi! thank you for this! yes, i do have my family who has been a great source of support and comfort for me. they're helping me sort the legal issues out but sometimes they keep saying "why did you have to send pictures in the first place" which makes me feel a bit down again (i know it was wrong to do so, i don't do it anymore!)
like i mentioned previously, one of my closest friends (now ex friend) spread around all those private pictures of me and spread rumors that it was my fault and i was the one doing the flirting and the teacher got expelled even though he did nothing wrong. it got so bad that one of her friends suddenly texted me saying "when are you going to stop playing the victim?". my parents want to take legal action against her and i want that too, but i feel bad because we used to be so close. it's hard for me to come to terms that i might be hurting her reputation or making her get punished, but i don't want her to walk all over me and just bully me (she's been doing this for months and "recruiting" people to hate me too). i am so confused on how to feel

[Heather]

Hey there, naurmi. We had some confusion behind the scenes with our team this morning in terms of your posts. Before we move on to this next, and huge issue, I'd like us to go back to where we were in our conversation before this. It can be very, very difficult to try and process and work on more than one big thing at a time, so it's generally best in services like ours, or in therapy, to work on one big thing at a time.

Can we circle back to our ongoing conversation and work on your ongoing pregnancy scares and the current relationship you are in as its connected to those?

[naurmi008]

Hi! sorry for the inconvenience, sure we can go back to that topic!