worried?

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

So, to circle back to what Heather asked a few posts ago, what about being in a relationship where you aren't compatible in a big way scares you? You mentioned you don't feel all that incompatible, but when you ask him to take sexual things off the table entirely, that could reveal that this relationship isn't going to be a good fit for the two of you. So I think it'd be helpful to dig into what about the idea of that incompatibility actually scares you.

[naurmi008]

I guess I'm scared of him leaving bc of our possible incompatibility. I've grown really attached to him and I do love and care about him. He's been my support system for so long that I can't really imagine breaking up with him, ykwim?

[Sam W]

Being afraid of breakups is really common, especially if you have a partner you're attached to or care about. But it's also true that, for most people, the majority of their romantic relationships will end in some kind of breakup; breakups, and all the feelings that might come with them, are part of the risk we take when we choose to form relationships with other people.

Too, as Heather mentioned before, ending a relationship can often be a kind thing for everyone involved if there's a big incompatibility, because it means that both people are then free to seek out the kind of relationship that they do want.

So, with all that in mind, do you feel like you're ready to tell you're boyfriend that sexual stuff needs to be off the table for the foreseeable future?

[naurmi008]

Maybe? I don't know if I'm ready right now, it feels so awkward to bring it up? I don't know how to explain how I feel. I feel like i HAVE to give him sexual pleasure and me asking for it to stop is somethinf horrible (he has never pressured me into anything sexual btw!). And I have asked him to stop in the past, and he always stops, but I start initiating again and my cycle of guilt, regret, and shame repeats itself

[Sam W]

Okay, so as a first step let's talk about that feeling of having to be sexual with him. Where do you feel like that idea is coming from? What do think will happen, or what are you afraid of having happen, if you aren't sexual with him?

[naurmi008]

Maybe it stems from my past negative sexual encounters I had? I think that's the root cause of this.

I'm afraid that if I'm not sexual with him, maybe he (or even me, or both of us) will lose interest -- though he keeps reassuring me that he won't. and sexual activities are a form of intimacy that i like, i don't know how to get that feeling anywhere else

[Sam W]

Got it. So, as far as intimacy goes, there are actually a TON of ways to foster intimacy, including physical intimacy. You can read all about them here: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

You know, it is possible that with sex out of the equation, one or both of you loses interest. Sometimes there are relationships where the main thing we're getting from them is sexual pleasure and connection. There's nothing wrong with those kind of relationships, but that's also not the kind of relationship that's a good fit for you right now, given how much anxiety you still have related to pregnancy and birth control,

What that means is that, if you do find out your only real interest in each other was sex, you've gotten some really important information about whether your relationship with him is a good fit for you right now and can make your next decision from there.

[naurmi008]

Hi! i really like some of the examples of intimacy (especially the sharing your feelings/interests part). i definitely think i'm going to apply this in my relationship.
i've thought about talking to him about my sexual boundaries, but i'm not sure how to bring it up and when to do it. should i just say "we need to talk" and then bring it up ?

[Sam W]

Saying "we need to talk" or something similar is one possible starting place! As for when to do it, you'll want to pick a time when the two of you aren't already taking things in a physical or sexual direction; this kind of conversation tends to go better when sex isn't even an option at that moment in time.

You might also find it helpful to plan out what you want to say ahead of time; that could mean practicing it by yourself, or writing it out (if you know that writing won't be found or won't otherwise get you into trouble is someone happens to see it).

[naurmi008]

thank you sm for the advice! i think i'll talk to him either tonight or tomorrow. thank you !!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and good luck!

[naurmi008]

Hi! so for an update, i talked it out with my boyfriend, and everything went great! he hasn't been initiating anything sexual, and always asks "is this ok?" "should i stop?" and overall respecting my boundaries
anyways, my period's supposed to come up this week, and i've been feeling a bit anxious again. i wanted to fact-check, pieces like this
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... _from_that
take into account possible contact with pre-ejaculate/ejaculate right? thank you!

[Heather]

Naurmi: we need to hold our limit on circling back to you with more reassurance around the facts about pregnancy risks. We've already given you a handful of different articles that explain this, and they all make clear that they take everything relevant into account. We also always fact-check all of our content here as a regular and ongoing practice.

I'm glad that that talk went well with your partner. It is sounding, though, like you are still engaging in sexual activity with him? If I have that right, I'm not surprised you are still worrying about pregnancy. The point of suggesting you take some time away from sexual activity and focus on the other parts of your relationship was to help you get out of this cycle of pregnancy scares.

[naurmi008]

Hi! sorry sorry, i'll refrain from asking those type of questions.
the only type of sexual activity i'm engaging in is sexting/cyber sex, so i know i don't have to worry about pregnancy risks there

[Heather]

Got it!

So, since there is clearly no real risk of pregnancy, these thoughts are just something to get yourself through, and it should be pretty easy since the stakes are so low. Sometimes to get through something like this for ourselves, we really just need to do it ourselves.