Confused About Relationship

[ZionP]

Sorry for the long story not sure it it helps give context about our relationship. We are a couple that does communicate a lot about everything and tells each other the truth no matter how much it hurts each other. Even if we are crushing on someone else or talking to another person we tell each other.

So recently my girlfriend and me broke up a few times but it never lasted more than a day. Her reasoning was because she wants to discover her self and remain single for a few months but wants to get back together with me after she turns 18 but she also said she cant promiss she wont fall for someone else in that period. As soon as we broke up this last time(there were 2 times before this that only lasted like 6 hours each) she was only gone for a day before messaging me that she misses me and loves me and we got together and talked in her car for an hour then went into my house and cuddled for an hour and made out. Afterwards she told me that she really does love me and wants to be single till she turns 18 but also still considers us dating still and she will still count the days as if we are dating but she also still wants to talk and hang out once in a while because she doesn't want to cut me out of her life.

Another day goes with minimal contact on snapchat even knowing i see her online constantly and she rarely replies to me and when she does reply its simple stuff like ya, ok, sure, awww and nothing really engaging. When she sends pics to me she looks sad sometimes and sometimes she only takes a picture of half of her face but once in a great while she will send images with filters that add things like hearts and stuff like that and give me kissy faces and tell me she misses me and loves me.

Another day goes by and i see her at work(we both work at the same place) and she looks at me all the time when im sitting down eating lunch because her register is near where i take my lunch but she always looks sad.

The next day comes and we decide to hang our just to get some ice cream and catch up with each other. It was supposed to just be a 20min thing, get some ice cream and talk during the drive then split after she dropped me off at home but it turned out to be more than that. We talked in the car and kissed then she asked if i wanted to cuddle so we went inside my house and cuddled in my bed but one thing led to another and we had really good sex(im in Michigan so age of consent is 16). After we were done she said sorry that it led to sex and she didnt mean for it to lead to that and we shouldn't be doing this during our break and we should really let each other go because she will end up hurting me again. I asked if she was stringing me along because i know she talks to other guys online and i confronted her about her texting being sucky and i see her online all the time and i know she is talking to other guys and she told me she was talking to this guy 2 states away but she isnt really interested in him because he only plays video games and she doesn't want to have that. Then she reassured me its only online and she will never meet the guy or do anything with him ever. She confessed her love for me and told me that she only truly loves me and wants to be with me but wants to let me go before she hurts me again(she often talks to guys online) because you let the ones you truly love go so you dont hurt them. But i told her that we just had a few bumps in the road and thats how relationships go and we dont have to be on a break from each other because obviously we cant stay away from each other and text each other and visit each other and every break we tried never works out and we keep coming back to each other quickly. She said she needs to work on her depression before we get back together. I told her i can help her with that and help figure her self out, after i told her that she listed the problems she was having like both her grandmas are old and not doing so well and its getting to her, and her graduating and what to do when she turns 18 because she wants to move out and she is worried about whats going to happen with her disability checks. I told her dont worry ill be here to support you and i will help you figure this stuff out together as a team. She rested her head on me and gave me a kiss.

I walked her out to her car to tell her bye and collect the picture she drew for me(she has been drawing in her spare time to work on herself through her hobbies). I asked her what she is going to do for the rest of the day and she was unsure what she was going to do then we ended up just going for a ride to go see the lake then we went back to my driveway and talked for a bit I asked her where we stand on our relationship and if that sex as just a hookup and she said no because she doesn't do hookups then she said she cant let me go and cant get rid of our pictures or anything i gave her and she is so attached and she still has my picture as her phone background. I asked where we are in this relationship because im confused and she said she doesn't know and said we are sort of still together but not. We both agreed to do something on Wednesday like go for a walk and go out to eat.

Im confused on whats going on. She said she doesn't want space but wants time to figure her depression out but yet still wants to hang out and kiss/make out when we are together but stays quiet online with me but chats up other guys online for hours and hours all day long while barely talking to me online and it always seems like im bothering her when i talk to her online but will chat me up lots when we are together in person and seems happy when we are together. Should i continue doing what im doing and just go with the flow or should i just tell her that we need to stop seeing each other and talking to each other till she is ready when she is 18 like she originally wanted? I feel very conflicted and confused.
Note: She does suffer from depression and anxiety and takes pills for it.
Very sorry for the super long post im very bad at summarizing stuff.

[Sam W]

Hi ZionP,

You know, I'm hearing a whole lot about what she wants from this situation, but not quite as much about what you actually want or how you're feeling about all this. Do you want to have what's functionally an open relationship, as that seems to be what she's describing as a parameter of the "break" where she has a chance to explore her other options? Would you be okay not knowing what your relationship really looks like? Do you want space?

I do want to push back on one of the things your girlfriend said, which is that if you truly love someone you let them go to avoid hurting them. Now, if someone you care about needs or wants to end a relationship with you, the loving thing is in fact to honor that and not try to make them stay. But generally speaking, if we love someone and want them in our lives, we'll do the work of maintaining that relationship and do our best to avoid hurting them.

[ZionP]

You know, I'm hearing a whole lot about what she wants from this situation, but not quite as much about what you actually want or how you're feeling about all this. Do you want to have what's functionally an open relationship, as that seems to be what she's describing as a parameter of the "break" where she has a chance to explore her other options? Would you be okay not knowing what your relationship really looks like? Do you want space?

The only thing i want is her and i told her what i want in life. I just want a loving relationship that turns into us having kids and a loving family and she does want that also. She wants to go to college for child care and open a day care and have a loving family also and i want the the same thing. She was teasing me one day we went out to eat together while we were still on "break" and kept looking at the waiter and saying how cute he is and she has to keep her options open. Just yesterday(a few days later) she told me she was teasing me to see my reaction. I dont want space and she also said she doesn't want space either. As for an open relationship like that I personally wouldn't mind her having an online boy friend as long as it only stays online and she never meets him but that didnt work out last time(ill explain below). Im not really ok with not knowing what our relationship looks like. I like to have things defined so i know where we stand.

I do want to push back on one of the things your girlfriend said, which is that if you truly love someone you let them go to avoid hurting them. Now, if someone you care about needs or wants to end a relationship with you, the loving thing is in fact to honor that and not try to make them stay. But generally speaking, if we love someone and want them in our lives, we'll do the work of maintaining that relationship and do our best to avoid hurting them.

Even when we try to let each other go she still comes back to me. So its not only me trying to hold on. When i let her go like she wants she comes back to me.

sorry to get off topic a little, just trying to let you know a little about how her mind works if this helps.

Before she was talking to this guy from kenosha thats 5.5 hours away and he came to meet her here during work. She talked to me before he came and i asked her what is she going to do if he really came to visit her and if he tries to do something to her. She said if he tries to kiss her or do anything she would hurt her self instead but she also said she is going to let him down. He actually did end up coming and waited on the bench for 3 hours right across from her register, this was the first time we went on "break" and it only lasted a few hours. She went on an extended lunch for 2 hours to meet him. They were in her car talking and she was sitting on his lap. She claimed she didnt do anything with him but cuddle and talk and no kissing or anything. But others at work claim they were having sex in the car and making out. I believe her over anyone else even knowing 4 people reported the same thing but what people saw and what actually happened could be different because a cuddle could easily look like making out or sex at a glance.

After all that before she went back to work she let him down and told him she cant be with him because she has a boyfriend and she doesn't want to do this 3 way relationship. He really started to cry and get angry with her. She went back to work and he went back home. She texted me that she was sorry about everything and how she hurt me and she would understand if i wouldn't take her back and that she only wanted me and she kept looking at me the whole time instead of him on the bench and she kept thinking about me the entire time she was with him and she didnt feel a connection with him. But she kept talking to him online after that still for a couple weeks. She broke up with me for the 2nd time thursday the 6th. Then we had a talk on the 7th. She was going to use the vacation days we had planned for the 9th to the 12th to go to where he lived and spend time with him at his grandmas house but she canceled those plans with him and got back with me and we went on our vacation we had planned. We had a good vacation, we went to go see her parents for the 3rd time, then we went for a 4 hour drive to mall of america and had a good time. When we got back to my house we started to make out feel each other up then she said "dont think im using you for sex because just because we have sex tonight doesnt mean im not going to break up with you tomorrow"(We both agreed that we will see how the weekend goes before we decide if we should stay together). I stopped having sex and said i wasn't in the mood now. we were quiet for a long period of time then started to talk about this other guy(the one from above) and i explained all the red flags about him and how he shouldn't have been telling her that he loves her and wants to marry her for only knowing her for 2 weeks and that him rubbing her thigh in the car that day was a huge red flag because you dont do that for the first time meeting someone in person. Then she got up out of bed and just blocked him on everything and never looked back. In the morning we talked and wanted to let each other go, i told her i wish her the best in life and i will always be a text a way and wont block her on anything if she ever needs anything. Before she left she said she cant do this anymore and she cant let me go because she loves me too dam much and jumped into my arms in bed and made out with me for a while.

The 3rd(sorry if i got all my times mixed up i lost count lol) time we went on break it lasted a few hours. She told me she cant do "us" anymore and its best if we go our own ways in a text message on her first break. I went on lunch shortly after she came back from break and i sent her a text message saying sorry things didnt work out and i also think the best thing for her is to just stop talking to all these guys and me and focus on her self for a while to figure stuff out and ill be waiting for when she is ready for a relationship if she still wants one with me still. I told her i agree and I'm letting her go also and its for the best because thats what she wants and I'm willing to give her what she wants because i only want her to be happy in life and i support any choice she makes, then told her goodbye my love.

She went on break after and seen the message and started to tell me that obviously i didnt love her and that i just see her as an object. I told her that i really did love her but sometimes you gotta let go of the things you really love so they can be happy. She told me that she really does love me and really want me, and i told her the same thing. Then she came inside up to the customer service desk where i was working, grabbed my hand and told me she only wants us and no one else and doesn't want to break up and that she wants to continue dating me so we both agreed to continue.

Then the 4th time was what i explained in the first post. so she is really really confused on what she wants and idk what to do. We both keep coming back to each other no matter how many times we break up. If she breaks it off with me i go back to her, and when i break it off with her she keeps coming back to me and i cant let her go because i love her and she cant let me go because she loves me.

[Sam W]

In all the detail here, I wonder if you could clarify something for me: if you feel this attached to each other, how do the two of you arrive at the idea to break up, especially now that you've noticed you each have a hard time staying broken up? Can you also give me a sense of how long you two have been together and whether the break-up/get back together dynamic is a recent development for you two?

[ZionP]

We were dating for 9 months going on 10. The breakup/together dynamic started about a month ago. She started the breakup with her wanting space and be single to figure her self out.

[Sam W]

Got it. Do you feel like there were things that happened that sort of signaled she might be wanting to break things off? Or did it feel like it came out of nowhere?

It does sound like a next step is for you two to work out whether or not you're actually broken up and what that means, and how that's different than when you were together. Because right now it sounds like you're swinging rapidly back and forth between being together and not, with lots of big declarations of love and other big feelings thrown into the mix in a way that sounds really stressful and tiring for both of you.

[ZionP]

Yea it is very stressful and tiring. She told me before that she was slowly losing feelings for me but she doesnt think its because of our relationship because things were going great and she thinks its because of things going on in her life and that she falls for people fast. With this last guy she said she loved us both equally and cant choose but chose me anyways. It kind of came out of nowhere when i thought things were getting better. The strange thing is that she said she needs time to her self to be single and to discover her self but yet she is chatting up these other guys online and ignoring me most of the time till she really starts to miss me then we hang out and have a great time. Maybe theres something wrong with our connection to each other and she feels like they offer her better talk than me and just uses me for the physical interactions and them for the mental interactions? Is that something i should bring up when we get together and figure this out?

[Sofi]

Hi ZionP, I'm just jumping in to let you know we're a bit backed up today but will get back to you tomorrow!

[Sam W]

Hi ZionP,

One thing to know is that people who study relationships have identified a super-common pattern where after the initial burst of excitement and attraction and all that (you'll hear people call it "New relationship energy") there's a gradual tapering off of that energy. When that happens, some people realize that there isn't much drawing them to the relationship outside of the rush and excitement of a new romance, or that even though they enjoyed or enjoy being with the other person, they're just not all that interested in continuing to date them. So it's entirely possible that's what is happening for your girlfriend.

I do think that, given everything you've said, it's probably time for you to think about breaking up. Not just "taking a break" because that seems to mean "she wants time away from the relationship to see someone else and then be able to come back." But full on ending the relationship. That's probably a pretty stressful thing to think about, especially given how much it sounds like you still care about her, but right now it sounds like you're in a relationship that's increasingly making you feel cruddy and isn't meeting your or her needs. When that happens, that's usually a sign the relationship has run it's course, you know?

[ZionP]

Sounds about right. I think thats for the best also. At this point i think i am just getting strung along as a backup incase something goes wrong with her trying to meet other people. Her spending every waking free moment on snapchat and ignoring my messages most of the time might be a sign that she has found someone else but still doesnt want to let me go till she is fully with them and sure they are good. I think im just going to cut my losses and call it an end. When we do hang out it feels forced but she slowly warms up to it and falls in love again and we start kissing and making out, then have sex. All night long after that she doesnt ignore my messages when she is online all the time like usual and sends me love images and snapchat spotlights, then the day after its the same thing, she ignores me while online all the time and only really says she loves me after we meet for a little bit. I think that is apart of being strung along.

[Sam W]

It's hard to say exactly what's behind her actions, since she's ultimately the only person who can tell you that, but I agree that it feels a bit like she does want to have you to fall back on when she needs to, which isn't a great way to treat a partner.

Since it sounds like you've decided breaking up is the next step, you might want to take a look at this article for some advice on how to approach that and handle your own feelings around it: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

[ZionP]

Just an update.

This last breakup was a strange one. I noticed her talking to this Guy1(same guy from above) again because I seen the notification on her phone when she was holding it but didnt say anything about it So Sunday we broke up because I called her out on her stuff of her constantly talking to other guys online and falling for them mentally and talking to him again. She agreed that she mentally cheated but she doesn't consider it mentally cheating because she had it done to her many times. She was mad that i was calling her our on her stuff so she blocked me and told me its not going to work out and we both need to move on to heal. Monday we both talked over snapchat and agreed that if we we date again we need to keep it a secret from work because of all the drama going on right now because of us dating to begin with and as far as everyone knows already we broke up 2 months ago so thats understandable. After agreeing to date again we met up and talked about everything and made up and made out. Then she left for home. A few hours later she blocked me on everything for a few days till Wednesday night. She unblocked me and texted me she can now see why i was so heart broken because she started to feel that way on the 2nd day of not talking and that she was sorry for everything she put me through and never meant for it to happen and that she misses being called mine and that she drove by my house a few times that day(keep in mind that is out of her way going anywhere she needs to go). Then she went to bed. The next day i asked if she could pick me up and bring me to work, she was hesitant at first and said that she needs to stay away but then decided to come and pick me up anyways. We sat in the car in the parking lot for 30min and talked and cried. We both said we are sorry for everything we put each other through and that we miss being together and still want and love each other and miss doing everything together like going for trips, cuddling, kissing, going on dates and everything. I told her that I want her for life and that i know she is the one and she said the same thing and we made up and kissed a lot and decided to start dating again before heading into work.

During her last break she blocked me on everything except text messaging and i asked her(but for context "Guy2 is her best friend that she has a crush on but he doesn't see her that way and only as a good friend and said he would never date her")
EDIT: She didnt block me on everything, she just removed me as a friend now.

Me:
"Noticed you removed me from snapchat. Does that mean we are done done now? Thought we made up in the car or did I force you to? I'm really sorry if I did and didn't mean to. I really thought we patched things up and wanted to give it another try. "

Her:
"I want to but also I want to give Guy1 a try"

Me:
"(Cry Emoji)­alright I understand. I hope it works out but remember what I said about him(i pointed out the red flags last time). I really hope for the best for you. I'll be waiting if things don't go well but I won't wait forever. Love you so fkn much. You will always have a place in my heart. You were the one for me. Thank you for that final kiss. I will remember it forever.
Good luck babe. (hearts and kisses emoji)"

Her:
"One last try and see if Guy2 likes me
And yes I want us(by that she means me and her)
I love u always will"

Me:
"And so do I. More than you could imagine."

That was the last thing we said to each other. I really love this girl with all my heart and it seems like she does really love me the same back but she is confused on what she wants. Do you think Guy1 is just an experiment/rebound and it wont last long and she will be coming back to me. I know I have to work on my self and try to forget but what are the chances of her actually coming back? I'm confused so much right now.
Also dont know what she means by "One last try and see if Guy2 likes me"
Does that mean she is going to give Guy1 1 last try but also see if Guy2 likes her?

[Sam W]

Hi ZionP,

I can't say for certain what she meant, or what her plan is. But what I can say is that, from this latest update, the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself, and for her, is to break up and then stay broken up.

It sounds like you really do care about each other, but she's made it clear that she's just not able to or doesn't want to have the same kind of relationship you do. You want a monogamous, steady relationship with her, and that's not what she wants (or what the two of you have had for some time, from the sound of it). She wants the space to date, or try to date, at least two other people. Right now, she's telling you that you she only wants to date you if it doesn't work out with those other two people, and I can't imagine that feels good on your end.

So, with all that in mind, I really think the next step is figure out how to break up and then stay broken up. We can certainly help you brainstorm how to do that if you would like. But you deserve to be in a relationship where you don't feel like someone's third choice. And honestly, at a certain point being single will probably be gentler on you emotionally than continuing to be in such an on again/off again relationship would be, you know?