is it still SA with no penetration or nudity?

[Lyle Lanley]

i want to ask because i don't know if it's valid that i was left traumatised from things that weren't forceful penetration or someone ripping clothes off me.

so if attempting to touch someone's breast, cornering someone, dry humping someone, and initiating a kiss with someone unwilling counts as SA then i am a victim of it. if it doesn't i'm scared that this is just normal and that i should've enjoyed it, but it made me feel dirty, disgusted, shut off from the world, not wanting this kind of attention and contact: "if this is how people show love then i don't want to" i thought after these things happened to me.

also my mum dismisses this saying that i got left traumatised by a little thing. she hasn't told me worse things, luckily, but it still played a part in making me think i had no right to be so shook by what happened.

it's true that up until this year i was still repulsed from physical touch as a love language, but i gradually started getting over it. and when i tell someone that i was SAed i don't tell them the details as they are triggering for me and could be for the person as well.

and also i wonder, why did i still hang around with the first boy who did this to me, when the first instances of him trying to touch me and pass it off as an accident were when we were 11, and then the actual SA happened when i was 14. and now i try to avoid him as much as possible, although at times i'm forced to see him due to both our families. it hurts and i'm conflicted on giving him any forgiveness, but probably i won't cos he never truly apologised for anything and if in the past he tried to he never considered my feelings but only his actions.

(the second boy i had lost contact with anyways and i blocked him)

[Sam W]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

Yes, what you're describing falls under the heading of sexual assault; the standard definition of sexual assault is when one person wants and pursues a sexual act on, to or inside another person who does not want to participate, and who does not fully and freely consent to take part in that act.

I'm so sorry that it sounds like there are not only multiple people who have chosen to do that to you, but that when you asked for support from your mom dismissed and downplayed what you experienced and how you're feeling about it.

As far as why you continued to spend time around this guy after the first incident of unwanted touch, that's really something only you can answer because you know what your thought process was. But I will say that when someone we care about or see as a friend or loved one hurts us, it can be really hard to incorporate that into our understanding of how they are. It's often easier to tell ourselves that it was a one-time mistake or that they must not have meant it because we don't want to lose someone who is important to us.

How could we best support you around all this? That could be things like figuring out more ways to avoid this guy, just offering some general support and affirmation, or something else entirely.

[Lyle Lanley]

thank you for your answer and support sam w.

i have reflected on the time spent with the guy and truth is that we have had a complicated relationship for most of our lives, dating on-off, sometimes he'd hate me sometimes he'd be head over heels, but for the most part we were best friends, then... he did that. i hate myself for how i still was okay with his presence and would laugh and joke with him as if he didn't traumatise me and he never apologised.
now that i have also told my dad what this guy did, my dad is doing his best to make me avoid him.

also both the options of support mentioned would be helpful to me, thanks once again

[Latha]

Hi there, Lyle Lanley

I'm sorry that these things have happened to you, and that your mother dismissed you when you asked her for support- that's awful.

I think it is really understandable that you kept spending time with this guy. You were close friends, you were even in a relationship from time to time, and it sounds like he was a bit emotionally volatile. These things can make it difficult to make the decisions that are best for us- as Sam said, it can be hard to adjust our views of people close to us when they hurt us. Additionally, you mentioned you've had to see him because of your families. Since your mother wasn't very supportive of you when you told her what happened, and you couldn't easily avoid him, I imagine there was an implicit pressure on you to maintain a relationship with him.

It is good that your father is supportive, and wants to help you avoid this guy. I was wondering, where do you usually see him? Is it just when your family meets, or do you see each other in other places as well?

[Lyle Lanley]

hi latha and thank you for your answer and insight too.

yes there definitely was some sort of pressure from both our families, including his family. and there's my younger brother who is still a kid and is friends with this guy since they share a passion for video games, and my brother knows that this guy is my ex. he sometimes teases me for it, and i remember once he asked "but why do you hate the guy? what did he do to you" and it hurts that he'll only know the proper answer to this question once he gets older.

and i only ever see him when our families meet, which happens mostly often at work-related events and parties, but now dad knows and supports me so it'll be easier for me not to see him anymore. i don't reach out to him to see him in other places and he doesn't either.

[Latha]

he asked "but why do you hate the guy? what did he do to you" and it hurts that he'll only know the proper answer to this question once he gets older

Oh, that really would be painful.

So, to touch back on what you said in your first post ("also i wonder, why did i still hang around with the first boy who did this to me")- I think it is fairly clear that you were in a difficult position. Don't blame yourself.

Since your father is helping you, do you need any more advice on how to avoid this guy?

[Lyle Lanley]

yes, yes i would.
i'm still thinking of the possibility of seeing him somehow, and i don't know how i would get out of it. i've now realised how fucked up he acted, and i hope that i don't fall into the trap again.
but i'd need some help

[Heather]

Hi there, Lyle. I hope I can add to the help for you here.

So, if and when you were to run into or see this guy, I'd say your main, and usually best, option is just to leave wherever you are that you do see him. Since it sounds like this would likely be limited to family events, is just excusing yourself from the event and leaving doable? You would not have to say why, and probably saying why would only complicate getting out of there, in my opinion. I'd suggest doing something instead like just saying that you are suddenly feeling sick, a thing that also would probably be completely true.

How does that sound?

[Lyle Lanley]

sorry for the late reply. yes, i think that or something similar could work.

if i see him and i'm alone i can easily avoid him, while if i'm with my family i already know how to act.
this reminded me, i'll ask them to warn me whether he'll be present at some occasions so i can avoid him.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear that this sounds like a workable plan to you, and that your family has your back (and it sounds like at least some of them are willing to warn you ahead of time so you can avoid this person).