my partner is ace and im not and im not sure what to do

[Amanda B]

I think you've already expressed that sentiment with what you have. You're very clear that the relationship isn't working for you, but you show you care about them by expressing an interest in potentially continuing a friendship. I'd say it's good to go. How is your comfort level around sending it?

[SillyMcGoof_]

ok thats good to know! i think im pretty comfortable sending it tbh. im a lot less stressed about it than i thought i would be. im just a bit worried that they’ll be like “did i do something” or something like that

[Heather]

Back again.

They might be, or they might ask any number of questions. I don't think this sounds like someone who, if you were to say, "Yes, yes you did do a few things, but those things are manipulative and coercive, so I don't feel like talking with you about them while you're actively engaging in that behavior with me is emotionally safe for me," would be able to respond in a healthy way. You know?

So a good response to asking things like that, if they do, that holds your boundary might be something like, "I'd like to ask for that space I suggested. If you still have questions in a couple of weeks, let's see how I'm feeling, and if I feel talking about them is okay for me, I'll let you know."

[SillyMcGoof_]

ok that sounds good!! ngl ive been having thoughts of like “hmm maybe i shouldn’t do this” but i also know i definitely should

[SillyMcGoof_]

dammit. now thier discord status says “please dont leave me” (i assume thats directed at me) so idk what to do now. im scared

they also texted me being like “you’re not gonna leave me right?”

idk if they mean leaving them in general or like romantically but idk

[Heather]

I heave to head out of work for the day, I'm afraid, so I'll leave this response, but then you're probably going to be on your own for the night. I know you said your Mom doesn't expect you to be dating, but please: if things get bad tonight and she has a history of being a good Mom to you, let her in on what's up and ask her for help. <3

When I said earlier that controlling people start to get itchy and pushier when they start to think they can't control someone? This is what I meant. I know you said you don't think you're acting different, but controlling people tend to pick up on the littlest changes. I figured she would have by now, and for me, this confirms it.

This is the kind of behavior I was talking about expecting. It sounds like with her behaving this way, and possibly none of our staff being immediately around, you might not feel so emotionally safe making that break tonight, which I understand. My advice with this behavior now, and to just make yourself some space for tonight, is just to respond to those texts -- ignore the discord status, that's so manipulative, but since it wasn't given to you directly, you don't need to talk about it -- with something like, "I'm sorry, but I can't talk at all tonight. I'll text you back tomorrow" and then no more responses. If you have do not disturb on your phone, I'd turn it on. Otherwise, please stop looking at anything and everything where she can leave you messages. Do something else tonight. Go outside. Read a book, listen to some music, watch a movie, but just leave all this for tonight, and when I'm back around in the morning, you can go ahead and ask for that split when you know at least one person* is around for support for you.

I also think it's probably a good idea for you to think tonight about that ask to be friends again. To me, this person sounds like they probably won't ever be safe for you in the sense of not being manipulative and controlling or just generally unsafely unstable. From all of what I am hearing and seeing -- and from you making clear again and again you feel scared, which is no way to feel in something healthy -- I'm not so sure it's best for you to continue to have contact with this person again.

* another vote for bringing in your Mom if she's good to you. No pressure, but just is rarely great to be 14 navigating all this stuff with zero involvement of your parents at all. <3

[SillyMcGoof_]

i’ll definitely think about bringing my mom into it if stuff gets bad enough!

i’ll also think about doing all that stuff too! im just not 100% sure tho bc i really just wanna get it done tonight so then i can have that weight off my shoulders. i have been talking to my friend about all this (who also used to date the same person) so maybe i can also ask them to be there when everything goes down?

i’ll also think about the thing about us being friends again. its just tough bc i really like them and they’re good to me most of the time. and also idrk what i would change that part in the “break-up” message to.

[Heather]

Trust your instincts. I think you can! And if tonight feels best, and you can have the support of your friend and your Mom, again, I trust your judgment.

I am afraid I need to peace all the way out for now, though. I'll be rooting for you!

[SillyMcGoof_]

ok!! thank you!!

[SillyMcGoof_]

so i did it and uh. it didn’t go too great!!! crying as im typong this rn bc wowwie uh yeah.

so basically i sent the message and they were like “what did i do” and i was like “nothing i just wasn’t ready and i wasn’t thinking clearly” and then they were like “last time someone said to try again when we’re ready nothing happened so i don’t expect you to come back”
and now they keep doing targeted statuses basically just being like “im done” “why am i so unlovable” “i lowkey dont wanna live no more” and yeah

im scared that they hate me now and im worried i made a mistake aaa

[SillyMcGoof_]

ok i feel a bit better now. i kinda got myself into a predicament bc i said we could be friends again but idk if i even want that and idk what to do but yeah. i just feel like a bad person bc i hurt them so much

[SillyMcGoof_]

they said that they liked me for a while and didn’t think we weoukd get together and that they cant move on from me and that they hope we can get back together and idk whay to do aaaa

[Jacob]

Hi Silly!

It sounds like this person is making things so much harder for you than they need to be, and I'm so sorry they left you in tears. That's so often how it goes. I want to reiterate what Heather said about trusting your self, and valuing your right to be free of the pressure they're putting you under, and to the support you can get from your mom.

I've totally been through similar friendships/relationships a number of times and it really sucks.

I think there are a number manipulations going on here that can have such a big grasp on you... I'm pretty sure you'll be able to be relate pretty hard when I describe them:

1. Reminding you as much as possible of their pain (see discord statuses)
2. Diminishing as much as possible your pain (or just distracting you from it)
3. Re-framing your stating of decisions/boundaries (something you do for you) as criticisms (something at them)
4. Asking you to defend/explain your decisions rather than just acknowledging them
5. Generally making the process of setting boundaries as dramatic and painful as possible
6. Using 2. to support more of 5.
7. Comparing you to other people they say have hurt them
8. Bargaining for any small opening to reinsert themselves in your life
9. Threatening self-harm, which they imply is you-harm (it isn't)
10. Not letting things fade out, but getting you to state where you stand: forcing you to either do the big break-ups, or promise to be there forever
11. Implying that your actions will make them or others hate you (whether they straight up say it or not)
12. Escalating all of these things the further you move from their orbit, the longer you don't reply etc etc

Yikes you start listing, and the examples just keep coming. In general these are all just about making it suck for you.

I can be very caring, and occasionally a bit of a people-pleaser (not very useful when facing number 11!) and so these can be very powerful ways for certain people to get a hold on me. But I've practiced reminding myself that those actions, as chaotic as they may look up-close, ultimately all combine as an attack on my happiness and freedom, and as much as it hurts them too, it is 100% their responsibility. That sounds very true for your situation too.

I think it's totally fine to feel warmth and care for a person like this, but sometimes those caring feelings are something to put aside. While valuing that you have that compassion, there is no time like the present to press pause, and then apply that compassion to yourself instead.

When you say you don't know what to do... it sounds like you don't know what to do to respond to their feelings and words right? But how about your feelings?

[Jacob]

I think of weathering a breakup like this (friend-break-up or otherwise) like it's raining acid (and FIRE), it's terrible, it hurts and you can run around getting hurt more, trying to convince the weather to be cool imagining you have the power to coax it - OR, you can take shelter, tend to your safety, pull people around who care for you, and wait it out, because this is not your doing. What do you think? What do you think you need to help make it feel less terrible while still doing what you need to?

It sounds like doing what you need to do might include admitting that a friendship isn't possible either, am I getting that right?

[Heather]

What Jacob said!

Also, I'm very sorry this went this way, but I am also not very surprised. Honestly, so far it actually sounds like it's gone better than it certainly could have! It's hard to be the person to end something someone else wanted, for sure, and extra hard when something about the relationship or someone in it is in some way toxic or abusive.

I don't mean to do an I-told-you-so at all here, but I do want to reiterate that if you continue to engage with them, rather than setting a boundary for space and yourself keeping it, they are going to continue to escalate. The reason they said and asked those things of you is because you let them, rather than making clear that that space wasn't negotiable, a thing I suggest you do from here. Those boundaries also should include things like making that space for yourself, by yourself: that means no more looking at her discord statuses or texts to have a reaction to. It probably means to get offline and focus on something else and start doing more of that as a practice. <3

[SillyMcGoof_]

oof yeah i definitely relate to those manipulation things jacob listed. its tricky bc i wanna take time to myself but they keep texting me and acting like everything’s fine and dandy while simultaneously constantly reminding me of how shitty they feel and how they keep crying.

idrk what i need to make things less terrible honestly. it sucks bc all my friends are online (unless you count my brother but thats a different dynamic) so i don’t really have anyone else my age to talk to, and if i talk to my other online friends, it’ll just bring me back to them.

i think admitting that friendship isn’t possible is probably right too, but idk how bc i said i wanted to still be friends with them and stuff and i feel stuck.

i should probably try to reiterate the boundary regarding space that you mentioned, but im not 100% sure how bc i dont wanna hurt them more.

honestly the only things regarding my feelings that i mentioned to them is that i feel like a shitty person for doing that to them, and not anything else, but they’ve just kinda been spilling their heart out to me and its so draining and makes me feel like an even worse person.

btw i did eventually tell my mom about this bc i couldn’t really handle keeping it from her anymore, ngl i was terrified to tell her tho bc i was scared she would be upset. basically she said im too young for dating stuff and that i dont know as much about someone online that i think i do, and that im not a bad person and they’ll get over it and i shouldn’t feel bad for it.

like i mentioned in my last post, they said that they liked me for a while and didn’t think we’d ever get together, and that they cant move on from me. they keep clinging on to the idea of us getting back together and they keep telling me about how they hope we can and im just stuck and it makes me feel even worse knowing that they liked me for a while and didn’t think we’d ever be together, and they finally had their chance and i crushed everything. i dunno

it sucks bc at times i think of those few days we were dating and i genuinely enjoyed it for a bit and im just worried i made a mistake bc i look at those days fondly and i kinda miss them. honestly idk how to describe the feeling 100% tbh bfjfjf

this has all just been such a stressful draining mess and i feel so stuck and unsure of what to do.

[Heather]

I'm really glad you let you Mom in on what was going on, and I agree with her: while the way this person is behaving suggests you hurt her and this is the worst thing that ever happened to her, that's not the truth here. You haven't done anything wrong or hurtful here. Their behaviour is a reflection of *them* not of you.

I strongly suggest you block her texts now. If you don't know how to do it (and she won't know you did), if you can tell me what kind of phone you have, I'm happy to help find you directions for doing it. You have to do the things here to not hurt YOURSELF, too, and keeping yourself in a position to see all those texts or statuses is something you are choosing to do, and can make a different choices with. Get me?

For a few days, you were both infatuated, and probably mostly with the idea of love more than each other, a thing that happens all the time (and to people of all ages, but it's for sure more common when we're young and don't recognize that yet), and that yeah, while you're in it, can feel kind of amazing. But a lot of why isn't real. What is real is often stuff like getting attention, being someone's focus, and kind of daydreaming futures. And yeah, that feels good, but that doesn't always come from healthy places, people or interactions, is all.

How about for the next few days, you just hold those boundaries, let yourself feel and process your own feelings, grieve the loss of this you're feeling and then see where you're at? Do you have other things you're supposed to be or are scheduled for doing during the days to move your focus back to?

[SillyMcGoof_]

mhm i understand! im just worried about blocking them bc i care about them and dont want them to hurt even more bc of me. i know how to do it but im just scared ig. im also worried that our mutual friends will be upset with me too for doing that.

also yeah you’re probably right on that. its just tricky bc i care for them and being in that kinda relationship especially with someone i already loved (platonically) and care about yk?

i’ll try my best to uphold my boundaries and stuff. i dont have anything scheduled atm besides the usual weekend drives me and my family have, my physical therapy appointment, and my birthday, but not anything in the next few days really. its hard bc idk how exactly to cope or grieve these feelings ig. if you have any advice on that that would be lovely, if thats not too much to ask ofc ^^

[Heather]

No one but you will know you blocked them, though. When someone blocks you, you don't know they have, you just know they aren't answering you.

And when you have set a boundary with someone who won't abide by it, ignoring them is a very valid response.

We have a piece I wrote on breakups a while back that I think might be helpful for you: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/ ... y_breaking

(I'm also heading out of town tomorrow for around a week to attend to some chosen family and blood family needs, but I wish you a very happy birthday.)

[SillyMcGoof_]

with how discord works (which is mainly how we communicate), if you dm someone who blocked you it says that they blocked you, which stinks bc if i do block them they’ll know and tell their friends and stuff.

that article was very helpful btw! thanks!!

idk im still so attached to the idea of calling them babe and telling them i love them and stuff that im worried that i made a mistake and should give it another chance. although i might just miss the attention and stuff and the idea of being loved rather than the person themselves, like you mentioned before.

(also thanks! and good luck on your trip!!)

[Heather]

Okay, so with discord, how about you just step away from it right now for a bit then to give yourself that space?

This was bad news. Being attached to what you wanted something to be that it wasn't in reality won't make it that thing. You should 500% not go back to this. This is not what healthy dating/interactions/intimacy looks like, friend.

[SillyMcGoof_]

ok i’ll do that!! thank you!!

if im being honest im kinda numb to it atm??? like earlier i saw their status saying “i miss him” and i just kinda giggled honestly. that might be mean idk but yeah

thank you for everything!! :]

[Nicole]

Hi SillyMcGoof_,

I just caught up on your thread and I want to say how sorry I am that you've been experiencing this. I've been in similar circumstances and it's not easy. Although, I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. Honestly, I don't recommend adding that, for multiple reasons. First, it will "unleash" that people-pleaser trait that you have, and it seems like you've been wanting to avoid doing that. Also, the connotations surrounding "it's not you it's me" are often described as a defense mechanism, meaning that it could seem like you're just rationalizing reasons to break up rather than focusing on the actual concerns that came up in the relationship. Lastly, there are things that they did that contributed to the break-up, and by saying that, you might not allow yourself to process the aftermath of the break-up since you will be taking all the blame. Does that make sense?

Overall, I like your original message and what Amanda said!

[SillyMcGoof_]

mhm yeah i understand! i didn’t add those things dw :]

[Nicole]

Oh no, I'm so sorry, but I didn't realize there was a second page to your thread, so I responded to the wrong message, I apologize and feel terrible! That's super embarrassing, lol.

So, I use Discord, and I was just thinking about those statuses, and wow it must be difficult to see that. I know you feel numb to it right now, but if that really does start to bother you, it might be best to remove them as your friend on there ("soft" blocking), rather than just "hard" blocking them. I wish Discord had an option to mute someone's profile outside of a voice chat, but unfortunately, that doesn't seem to exist yet. I really dislike when people "indirect" others like that, and like Jacob said, these are all very familiar manipulation tactics. Still, Heather's recommendation stands, taking a break from Discord in general sounds like the best plan here.