male friend crushes on me

[Lyle Lanley]

it has happened again to me, a boy who i thought i could just be friends with is crushing on me. and he doesn't even respect my queer identity, still calling me by my dead name although i told him at least twice that i don't like it.

i am serious when i say this is the fourth time it happens with different guys. why does it always happen? what am i doing wrong that's attracting them like this?

and in two of those times i got something bad done to me. i have previously discussed it in the abuse and assault section of the forum.
so i know it's an overreaction but i get a trauma response and feel instantly awful.

when he texted me that he liked me, i was in class, i read the notification and started crying. even the teacher noticed. during the break between periods she took me to talk in private outside the classroom and asked me what happened. i told her all and she said i should be happy instead, and when i told her no because of things that happened, she insisted to know exactly what. and i can't just open up about my trauma to anyone like so. it made me feel even worse.

and plus, i always had the feeling that he was like the others ever since i met him, but then i started getting more and more hints that he was gay, including him basically saying so himself. so i felt safe with him until i got told that.
and he still keeps sending me videos and stuff as if we were still friends. i don't know what to do: i don't want to hurt him but i need to set a clear boundary, besides he never wants to talk about things that involve feelings (e.g. when i politely rejected him saying I care for him but i don't see anything beyond friendship, he just said "ok". he did this in similar instances)

[Heather]

Lyle.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you again. However you feel about it is how you feel about it, and I don't think you're overreacting. Things like being deadnamed -- especially after we ask people not to do it -- not having our identity respected, and just generally being treated poorly hurts. It makes sense that you're hurting. We also have the trauma responses we do! That's out of our control. I'm also sorry that your teacher responded the way that they did, telling you how you should be feeling, and then wouldn't allow you your boundaries. That wasn't an acceptable response on her part.

Other people's behavior isn't about what you're doing. It's about what they're doing. If, let's say, three people abuse us, we need to know that while we may be a common denominator, they probably have even more between them, and chances are good that besides the misfortune of getting involved with them or staying with them if we do, by and large their behavior is about them, and it's them responsible for it.

If, however, you see patterns like you're reporting, obviously you're going to want to see if there's any way you can better protect yourself from people or behavior that's hurtful or just unwanted. In this case, I think you do need to tell him what's wanted and unwanted and be firm about it. If it hurts his feelings not to get what he wants, that's not on you: we all will not get a lot of things from people we want in life, but by and large, it's on us to just learn over time how to deal with disappointment. Not being able to send someone videos is 100% not a big hurty thing. It's a minor disappointment. Not having your boundaries honored, on the other hand, or having someone be amorous with us in one way while deeply disrespecting us in another? That's earnestly hurtful. It's you being hurt here. Telling someone no or creating boundaries doesn't hurt them. I promise.

It sounds like you don't really want to be friends with this person: am I right? If so, why keep the lines of contact open at all? Do you actually want to?

[Lyle Lanley]

hi heather. thank you for the answer.

i don't really think that i want to be friends with this guy anymore: i feel things can no longer be the same and somewhat... betrayed? if that word is suitable.
i thought that i could trust him, i thought i was wrong about him, but i was right all along.

we are more or less on no contact (he sporadically sends me tiktoks and stuff, which i stopped replying to ever since that happened) but the problem is that for the time being i don't have the strenght to text him first, confront him... what could i say to him, anyways?

i hate that i'm acting like this, because one year ago there was a person with which i was in a similar situation (opposite ways, as in they had a problem with me but didn't have the heart to say it, so when i reached out afer a while they blocked with no explanation) and i accused them of immaturity for it, but now it seems i'm the immature one.

the pain has worn away and now i am faced with... whatever this is

[Nicole]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

I don't think you're immature at all, I just think you might need some time away to process everything, and then you might have the energy to tell this person that you don't want to continue the friendship. Does that sound right?

I'm the type of person who is quick to say "You don't owe anyone anything!" but the possibility of not giving him closure might cause this situation to linger in your mind, especially if he is oblivious to how he disrespected you and continues to interact with you in some way. So, I think you should be patient with yourself while you process everything that happened, and if/when you're ready, we would be happy to help you brainstorm what you could say to him, if that's what you're interested in or comfortable with. What do you think about that?

Also, while I'm here, I just want to ask if you have anyone around you that you can talk to about this and help you get through this, such as any friends or family. Feeling betrayed is a very strong, difficult emotion, so it's important to have some support during this time.

[Lyle Lanley]

nicole thank you so much for the answer.

yes i still need to process it all.
besides his interactions continue being passive, and i keep having these doubts: when and what will i tell him? and should i block him?

yes that would be good thanks.

and i do have friends and family to support me.

[Sam W]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

You know, whether or not to block him is a call that's entirely up to you. If you feel like that's the way to remove the stress of this situation, then you get to set that boundary; you're not obligated to give him a final warning or anything like that.

Too, if you're already noticing him being passive and the contact between you happening less and less all on it's own, there's also the option to just let that trend continue until you sort of fade from each other's lives without you having to confront him about this.

All that being said, if you do want to talk to him about what happened, what would you hope would be the result of that conversation?

[Lyle Lanley]

hello scarleteam, an update: I CUT HIM OFF FINALLY!!!

i had contemplated just letting it fade, but he was always reaching out for an interaction, even a lowkey one. so on one of those times i asked to discuss about the situation, and told him all about how this has happened to me, and how i felt uncomfortable.
but he still wanted to be friends, so i explained to him all the problems i had with his behaviour, he replied that i could cut him off if i wanted to.

so i did, still grateful for the good times i had regardless and wishing him a good life.

i feel so releived and proud of it, after i've been a people pleaser for so long, i'm making my feelings clear little by little.
glad that it ended well.

[Sam W]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

Thank you for the update! And I'm glad to hear you're feeling pretty positive overall with how you resolved this.