I have a Hypersexual BF and im not sure what to do

[F4iirrry]

Hi! this is my first time being on scarleteen so if i'm doing something wrong pls tell me but anyway onto the issue.

I, have a hypersexual BF which i don't mind ? like it's not that much of an issue but then we do run into issues that come along with it, 1 being he loves to mastrubating while i don't find pleasure doing it alone his into that though

2, he loves nudes and all that stuff so he can come to, at first i wasn't comfortable so no i didn't send any but now that i have (i trust him alot) he keeps asking me for more but reassures me i don't need to which makes me feel guilty so i end up doing it im scared of the aftermath of nudes and they js simple also don't turn me on

i want to stay with him and we do really love each other and i understand why he can be and is hypersexual and i don't blame him for anything he does but i want a way to work around it rather then leaving him or not communicating

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

Ah, so I hear you saying you don't want to leave him or not say anything about it, and I think it's great you want to communicate about this, it can be a hard topic to approach. To be honest, this isn't an immediate reason to break up and is something you two can work out and find a middle ground on, but it will require a lot of open honest communication, boundary setting, and compromise mostly on his part. Ultimately it's not fair for you to have to compromise by doing things you're not comfortable with like sending nudes or masturbating often. You should always put your comfort around sex first, and hopefully he would be understanding of that.

For example, you said you don't really get pleasure out of masturbating, while that could change in the future (if and only if that's something you eventually want to explore new ways and see if you do find it pleasurable), for now it's not fair for you to have to engage in it if it's just not something you enjoy.

You can start by bringing up a lot of what you said here - how you understand you have different preferences and you don't judge him for his, but you want to find a way you can both have your needs met without either of you doing anything you aren't into. You can openly communicate how you're just not super into things like solo sex and sending nudes, but are willing to maybe find other ways (could be something like sexting, or videochat since then you don't have to worry about anything leaking - these are all examples, you can also just not be into any of this and that's perfectly okay too).

I do want to just make it clear that if you feel pressured, even if he's reassuring you that you don't need to do it, you should fully stop right there. Doing things like sending nudes out of guilt is wrong in many ways and you deserve to feel fully comfortable and safe and get enjoyment out of this kinda stuff. There's no right or wrong amount to want to have sex, partnered or solo, or to send/receive nudes, or anything else. You want a partner that will always respect your boundaries and if his needs are not being met that's a conversation you need to have, but please don't do anything out of guilt or not wanting to lose him. Your comfort and emotional safety comes before that. <3

[Heather]

Hey there, F4iirrry.

I do just want to drop a note that "hypersexual" (and it's opposite "hyposexual") are effectively terms for clinical diagnoses. Hypersexual usually refers to compulsive sexual behaviour.

Are you saying your boyfriend has this diagnosis? If so, I think it's important we have this conversation understanding that, because some of the advice we'd give you (including some already shared) isn't advice we'd give someone partnered with someone with sexual compulsivity issues, and there's a lot we have not yet said that we would if this is the case. For example, if your partner felt the desire for nudes he is asking you for was based in a compulsive disorder, I'd tell you not to engage with this at all with him (per giving him any) but instead for him to work with a therapist on how to be with a partner when you have sexual compulsivity and be able to be sexual with them from a non-compulsive place. "Answering" someone's sexually compulsive behavior by trying to satisfy compulsions with them generally isn't healthy for anyone in that relationship.

Or were you using that term to mean something else? I do also want to add that someone simply liking sex, wanting to engage in it frequently, and wanting to do things like masturbate or look at nudes doesn't mean a person is hypersexual, or somehow "more" sexual than everyone else.

[F4iirrry]

Hai !

I do just want to drop a note that "hypersexual" (and it's opposite "hypersexual") are effectively terms for clinical diagnoses. Hypersexual usually refers to compulsive sexual behaviour.

so about the "Hypersexual" he is diagnosed from what i know, he doesn't like to talk that much on the topic cause it has caused us to break up before (we were toxic back then )

For the bit where your saying not to engage i never knew that i wasn't supposed to or it'd make it worse that is actually new info to me (/pos) and it does make sense ever since i sent a nude(s) to him he keeps asking for more and honestly it's brought up in our convos a lot more often than i'd like but he isn't currently seeing a therapist so i'm not sure how to approach him about all of it

[Heather]

It’d be pretty unusual for someone your age to be diagnosed with sexual compulsivity.

How about you check in with him and get the facts and background about this (like, when was he diagnosed? What behavior was that based on? How long has he been seeing the therapist who made this diagnosis?) and then circle back here and we can take this from there?