He started kissing my neck and pushed me down and I could see where it was heading, he started taking off his pants and mine, I was shaking my head hiding it in my hands and saying no I’m scared and he asked why and I said it’s my first time, then it all just happened. I’ve been in contact with rape crisis and doctors at the nhs about it all and they’ve noted the events, I have an appointment to talk about my options as when we had sex I was on day 20 of my cycle, and I know I’m not emotionally ready for a baby as I have my own issues I need to deal with. I don’t want him to be in trouble but they’ve said I can report it if I want to at any time.
He has said he didn’t realise it was rape, seems very sorry, and he thought I wanted to because we’d spoken about it before.
He is very nice but I wasn’t sure if our relationship would work because we’ve only been together for two months and I wanted to give my virginity to a serious relationship and I feel like my choice has been taken from me. On the other hand it could work and I’m worried that if I find out I’m pregnant and choose to carry on with it and or choose to be with him the doctors etc will know it was him that did this to me and could still decide to get him prosecuted? Do you know if they could do this without my say so. I want to see if the relationship will work and if I’m pregnant and go ahead with it I want to be together for the baby
How do I handle this
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Anon511515
- newbie
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Mon Oct 02, 2023 11:30 am
- Age: 18
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: She/her
- Location: United Kingdom
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Amanda B
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2022 10:59 am
- Age: 28
- Awesomeness Quotient: I'm an excellent cook!
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: still figuring it out
- Location: Northeast, U.S.
Re: How do I handle this
Hi Anon511515,
I want to start by saying none of this is your fault. We believe what happened to you and are so sorry you have been put in this position.
I'm glad you've been able to find support. The support network you are working with cannot prosecute him without your permission. Legal action would only occur if you chose to pursue it, starting with a police report.
It may be helpful to think about your interest in continuing a relationship with this person. Relationships must involve respect and care for one another. Non-consensual activity is not a respectful or caring way to treat a partner. Is your interest in continuing the relationship solely out of concern for a potential pregnancy? Has a pregnancy been confirmed? Also, what kind of support from friends and family are you receiving during this time?
I want to start by saying none of this is your fault. We believe what happened to you and are so sorry you have been put in this position.
I'm glad you've been able to find support. The support network you are working with cannot prosecute him without your permission. Legal action would only occur if you chose to pursue it, starting with a police report.
It may be helpful to think about your interest in continuing a relationship with this person. Relationships must involve respect and care for one another. Non-consensual activity is not a respectful or caring way to treat a partner. Is your interest in continuing the relationship solely out of concern for a potential pregnancy? Has a pregnancy been confirmed? Also, what kind of support from friends and family are you receiving during this time?
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Anon511515
- newbie
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Mon Oct 02, 2023 11:30 am
- Age: 18
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: She/her
- Location: United Kingdom
Re: How do I handle this
At the time of writing the original post I had taken several pregnancy tests, a few were faulty with no control line but appeared to be positive, the positive lines then disappeared if that’s what they were, they were probably dye runs. one didnt work at all no lines and no control line and one wasnt faulty and the one was positive with a faint line. I was going to do another one in about a week when results would’ve been more accurate but then I got my period today which had likely been pushed back from stress which means I don’t have to worry about a pregnancy.
I understand the care and respect part in a relationship and it’s really important to me, I got his side of the events. He knew I’d agreed to it days before, and he wanted to ease me into it at the time, because my reason for saying no I was scared was because it was my first time. If he thought I didn’t want to do it with him he wouldn’t have done it. He is really sorry and doesn’t want to hurt me, doesn’t want to lose me and has said he will do anything for us. Even before this incident he was making plans for us to be in a serious relationship which he is maintaining even after this. He seems really committed and I do really like him.
I understand the care and respect part in a relationship and it’s really important to me, I got his side of the events. He knew I’d agreed to it days before, and he wanted to ease me into it at the time, because my reason for saying no I was scared was because it was my first time. If he thought I didn’t want to do it with him he wouldn’t have done it. He is really sorry and doesn’t want to hurt me, doesn’t want to lose me and has said he will do anything for us. Even before this incident he was making plans for us to be in a serious relationship which he is maintaining even after this. He seems really committed and I do really like him.
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: How do I handle this
Hi Anon511515,
I'm glad to hear your period arrived and removed that element of stress from the situation!
I do, however, want to caution you against his explanation for what happened. For starters, saying you're interested in having sex at a certain time/day isn't the same as consenting to sex on that time/day. Consent can be revoked at any time, and a big part of that is because sometimes we can think we're ready for a certain sexual thing, then get to the time we actually start doing and realize "nope, I need to stop or wait to do this another time." Even if some part of wanted to continue, that would have been the time to hit the brakes and talk to work out if/how you wanted to balance being nervous with wanting to be sexual. Not the time for him to push you into it.
What should have been important to him was how you were reacting in the moment, which was with obvious distress and an absence of enthusiastic (or any) consent, and not what you'd said a few days before. The fact that it wasn't and that he went off what HE thought you wanted, rather than what you were telling him, does not give me a hope of him being a safe partner for you. He's been dating you for two months and is acting as if his interpretation of your behaviors is somehow more accurate and important than your experience of them AND the fact you told him no; what happens when there are other times when your wants/needs don't align with what he thinks would or wouldn't hurt you? Or when you change your mind about something you agreed to but he still wants to happen?
Does all that make sense?
I'm glad to hear your period arrived and removed that element of stress from the situation!
I do, however, want to caution you against his explanation for what happened. For starters, saying you're interested in having sex at a certain time/day isn't the same as consenting to sex on that time/day. Consent can be revoked at any time, and a big part of that is because sometimes we can think we're ready for a certain sexual thing, then get to the time we actually start doing and realize "nope, I need to stop or wait to do this another time." Even if some part of wanted to continue, that would have been the time to hit the brakes and talk to work out if/how you wanted to balance being nervous with wanting to be sexual. Not the time for him to push you into it.
What should have been important to him was how you were reacting in the moment, which was with obvious distress and an absence of enthusiastic (or any) consent, and not what you'd said a few days before. The fact that it wasn't and that he went off what HE thought you wanted, rather than what you were telling him, does not give me a hope of him being a safe partner for you. He's been dating you for two months and is acting as if his interpretation of your behaviors is somehow more accurate and important than your experience of them AND the fact you told him no; what happens when there are other times when your wants/needs don't align with what he thinks would or wouldn't hurt you? Or when you change your mind about something you agreed to but he still wants to happen?
Does all that make sense?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.