Prepared for a first time that never happened?

[belled]

I (20F) finally got into my first romantic relationship in August. She was one of my closest friends for several months before I had the courage to ask her out, and we agreed in advance that we’d call things off if the relationship ever stopped working because we didn’t want to lose our friendship. For me, this relationship was a collection of “firsts”: first date, first kiss, first time making a cute couples post on Instagram. I wasn’t going to rush her into having sex because I knew she is a SA survivor and was anxious about sex, but when the topic of sex came up, she said she was open to it as long as we took things slow. I started to get really hopeful that my first time having sex would be with this person I loved and trusted. I get anxious if I don’t plan everything well in advance, so I tried to prepare everything so I’d be ready when my girlfriend decided she was ready to start having sex. I ordered myself some pretty lingerie, asked a friend for some dental dams, and looked up all the best tips to make sure that my girlfriend was going to have a really good time when we got to that point.

We went out on dates and made out a few times, but we ended up breaking up less than 2 months into the relationship because she was dealing with severe anxiety and didn’t feel ready to commit to something so serious. I completely respect her decision and I’m proud of her for putting her mental health first, and we are still good friends. However, the breakup was really sudden and I’ve been struggling to process that all of these things I envisioned doing with her in the future just won’t happen. And yes, that includes sex.

I’m not upset with her for breaking up with me before we ever got the chance to have sex because I know sex isn’t something you can demand from people just because you want it, and I’d never want anyone to have sex with me unless they are 100% sure that this is something they want to do. That said, I feel like I hyped myself up so hard for this experience, and then it just didn’t happen. I know that having sex for the first time isn’t necessarily a big transformative experience because virginity is a social construct, and I know there’s nothing wrong with still being a virgin even when all of my friends aren’t. I never really cared about any of that before. But ever since the breakup, it just feels like there’s unfinished business and I’m not sure how to work through that. I’m not really interested in more casual hookups, so it’s not just about looking for sex. Idk, I’m just really confused about these feelings and not sure where to go from here?

[Latha]

Hi there, Belled

Honestly, you're on the right track with all of this. I get why you feel like there's unfinished business- you put quite a bit of thought into all this and there was some buildup, but nothing came of it. As I understand, this breakup happened recently. Give yourself some time to process- in all likelihood, your mind will readjust its expectations on its own. The preparations that you did will inevitably be useful at some point.