Realized I can’t tell the difference between platonic and romance when it comes to mostly in real life

[Epiphanyxx]

Hello it is me again, months ago I made a post about me being confused on who I am but I am still quite of confused of who I am if I’ll be honest since I am taking my time to figure out until now.

(I am not sure if I should put this in the sexual identity or relationships so i decided to put it here in the etc.)

After having my first in real life crush months ago it made me question more about myself but as the months passed by i lost interest fast not surprisingly hahshahshshs

Anyways to the point I don’t know still but what I realized in myself is that around august I usually see these two (one from my section and the other from another section) together at lunch and recess, for some reason I actually assumed they were actually friends and didn’t spot anything romantic between the two until the time in P.E I was with my classmates chilling after being done when all of the sudden one of my classmate yelled something like “Go *His name* that is not single” something like that? And I remember being surprised that he is not single at all and asked her if he’s actually not single and she said “yes he’s taken.” Which made me went back through the memories I saw the two together and it made me realized that I felt bad not noticing the signs at all.

After that, few days later I told the same classmates that I was with back in P.E how I actually can’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic which shocked them with them saying “What?!” Never knew it was actually shocking.

I also told this to my sibling and he told me “you’re definitely part of the ace spectrum.” Which if I’ll be honest I don’t wanna assume that I am one til I finally know what I am actually.

I mean for me it’s weird I can quite tell the difference if it’s fictional but in real life is where I can’t tell for some reason. (I honestly feel bad.)

[Sam W]

Hi Epiphanyxx,

I actually want to hone in on your last comment, because I think it's key to a big part of this. In fiction we're often given access to lots of information and context that we don't have in real life--people's inner dialogue, an omnipotent view of what's going on, etc--that makes it easy to know or parse out the relationships between people. Whereas in real life, we're generally going off incomplete information and, when it's people we don't interact with all the deeply or mostly just see rather than talk to, context clues at best. Which means it's much harder to gauge the relationship two people have.

In fact, most of us have times where we misunderstand the relationship between people. So, I wouldn't say not being able to spot that one, particular pair of people is a sign you can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic relationships, period.

Too, not having the easiest time telling when other people's relationships are romantic isn't automatically a sign of asexuality. Asexuality has more to do with someone's internal experiences with sexual desire and attraction, rather than their ability tell if other people are experiencing it. Does that all make sense?

[Epiphanyxx]

Make senses, I just feel bad though cause I always really can’t tell even from “obvious” signs. For what my sibling said, the reason for that also I forgot to mention here is because I always expressed having dislike in seeing myself in a relationship and there were times I got uncomfortable when I see a couple where the flirting is actually really obvious now with me awkwardly smiling, I mean I’m cool with romance when it comes to fiction cause it’s fiction (even though there are times I do cringe at some parts though) but like in real life, it just feels awkward for me mostly and it’s rare for me to actually be cool with it which is also something I feel bad. Even though i will not assume or anything til I actually know what I am though.

[Sam W]

I think an additional thing to keep in mind is that, unless we're hoping to date someone ourselves, our knowledge of their relationship status isn't something that has much effect on us. And when we do need to know if someone is in a relationship, it's easier to ask rather than guess

If it would help, we can also talk about the mixture of feelings you have about seeing other people be affectionate in public and how to feel a bit more comfortable if you cross paths with it.

[Epiphanyxx]

Hello, as it is now 2024 and apologies of this took me awhile to think about it but I’m starting to I guess be cool with some people being affectionate with each other in real life. Not used to it stuff but I mean I guess I’m getting there. Now for the relationship stuff, I mean I do have crushes and they are mostly celebs and fictional for now (I don’t fantasize being with fictional characters and celebs as it also makes me uncomfortable), I did have an actual crush last year but I never imagined being with them mostly? Actually when I thought of it I was quite of repulsed and uncomfortable thinking about it but maybe I just liked that dude cause he was nice but never thought of like actually dating him and shit hahshshs. Also another thing is when my mom teased me once of how she imagines me dating my old crush back last year same thing was uncomfortable with it. That’s pretty much all )

[Andy]

Hi Epiphanyxx,

no need to apologize, I’m glad to hear that taking some time to think about it helped you be less uncomfortable with these things!

Thank you for sharing those details. Knowing and continually taking note of how you tend to feel about crushes, relationships or physical intimacy, can be really helpful for you when it comes to evaluating future interactions and feelings.

Is there something around all this or anything else you would like to talk about more?