Why can't I feel?

[maroonteen]

I'm 17 years old, and I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction. I'm Aromantic, and Asexual. I've worried for a while, that maybe it's a result of trauma or my dissociative disorder. But I know this is how I've been all my life, even if I try to pretend I can still feel those things. I've always tried to convince myself that I will eventually, and it's just something that I need to grow out of. I keep getting these moments where I feel the need to please myself, it's more of a randomized arousal. I try to act on it, through masturbation, but it never works for me. I've never had a orgasm, or anything like that. I honestly just feel so broken. I've been trying for months, watching sexual content, trying to masturbate in different ways, thinking maybe it's not me who's the problem here. It's like I can't quite control myself when I get in that "mood". Like I convince myself I just need to try it again. Try watching something, or doing something, because maybe this time it'll work, and I'll understand what everyone else is talking about. I get excited, but then i'm immediately disappointed. It doesn't feel good for me. Maybe for a second, I feel like i'm on the verge of something nice, but it just goes away, like it was never there in the first place. I'm at a point where I just have an addiction for trying to "correct" myself, or prove myself "wrong." I know it's wrong to be so hard on myself, but I can't stop myself from trying. It's like every day I get this mindset where I just need to try again, because maybe i'll do it right this time. Again, it's an addiction. I can't seem to stop myself from logging into that website everyday. It's less like the website itself is an addiction, and more than my desire for it to work, is one. How do I stop myself? Or am I supposed to keep trying? I'm really confused, and I just want help. I have no one else to go to, my family is religious and I'd be shunned for anything of the sort. I feel like no one understands this situation, as my sexuality makes it unique to me. I just wish I could be normal and feel things the way others do.

[Jacob]

Hey maroonteen - loving the choice of username by the way!

I'm not sure I have a complete answer but maybe we could start by taking off the pressure around what you are supposed to do and maybe contemplate what you might be getting from revisiting sexual content and thoughts... and where the disappointment might be coming from.

You say here that there is a feeling of 'randomised arousal' and I'm hearing that there is a genuine curiosity or interest in the feelings you are having. So it makes sense you would do more to explore it, and also that as you head into those activities, lose interest and feel disappointed, you turn back. Also totally understandable.

Could framing this as 'exploring' rather than 'trying' be helpful? I'm also wondering if there is some in-between space, between your aromantic asexual space, and the more overtly sexual possibilities that don't appeal to you, which is maybe neither of those two things but still interests you?

Exploring such a space sounds plenty healthy to me, even if to just feel out what the limits are, I don't think you are doing anything wrong by feeling disappointed or finding one of those limits. Could that be a way of thinking about what is going on? Or am I maybe misunderstanding?