Really confused :S

[mece123]

I'm sorry if this is quite long and complicated but any advice would be truly appreciated..

I am 21 years old, I lost my virginity when I was 17. I have slept with 4 people in this time (including my current boyfriend). Although not all these relationships have been simple or 100% happy, I have never been forced or pressured into anything sexual.

It took me a while to start to enjoy sex i'd say, it was really painful for a while but I began to enjoy it more etc. However, sometimes this completely goes out the window and lately it's been getting worse. Sometimes I just really cannot stand the idea of sex, or even kissing my boyfriend (This has happened before with other partners). I am very very much in love with my boyfriend and find him veeeeeeeery attractive, it really is nothing to do with him, but sometimes I feel disgusted with myself when kissing him etc. Sometimes it's even worse than that, I feel scared that he'll hurt me or make me do something I don't want to. He has NEVER pressured me or anything & he is the first one to stop things if he senses me feeling unhappy - I can't stress this enough, I always wonder how can I feel this way if it's not him, but it really isn't which is making it so much harder for me. I've talked it through with him and he makes even more of an effort now - if possible - to make sure nothing happens that I don't want. I don't know where this feeling has come from, as I said, I have never been forced to do anything I didn't want to. It's really upsetting me as it makes me so angry with myself, and scared sometimes too. I just feel like i'm completely abnormal! I know that not everyone always wants to have sex (!!!!) but this is just at the other end of the scale.

I have frequently been told by family that boys are only after one thing etc. since a young age, which really stuck in my head for a long time (and even stays with me now to an extent). Also I have one really vivid memory of "friends" in school telling me that my boyfriend cheated on me because we didn't have "good sex", after telling them how it was difficult for me as it was so painful at first...

I just wondered if this a problem that I can work through or i'm just.. different. It's not that I don't enjoy sex, and I really love my boyfriend. Even when I don't want to kiss or have sex I always like to be close to him, hug him, hold hands etc. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

Any help would be appreciated, sorry if this doesn't make much sense..

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, mece!

This sounds like a really frustrating issue, and I am sorry it's leaving you feeling so confused!

Unfortunately, as you have noticed, our bodies are not machines and don't always do what we'd expect or like them to do. As much as that sometimes sucks, the best thing you can do in that moment is to listen to your body. So when you are feeling scared or uncomfortable, it woudl be best to take a break from whatever it is that you are doing that is making you feel that way. Powering through things that are making us feel uncomfortable is likely to make us feel MORE uncomfortable, not less so. So if you've been continuing on with activites that made you feel anxious, my first piece of advice would be that you stop, instead.

I also hear you levelling at lot of judgment at yourself for this, like saying that you get angry with yourself, or that you feel abnormal. I think it will be beneficial to you to recognize that you are not abnormal and that there is nothing wrong with you, that this is just a reponse your body is having, and to respect that and take it from there.

You also mention some messages coming in from outside, such as people telling you that if you didn't 'provide' sex for a partner, they might leave. If you've internalized those messages, and you're pressuring yourself to live up to that, then that might explain some of your anxiety and fears. So, the next step would be for you to think about what kind of messages you have heard around sex, and what you feel about how they might affect you in your thoughts and actions. Maybe talking to a supportive friend about this will be helpful, or maybe you like to journal and write things out. And of course, we'll be happy to talk to you about anything you come up with!