masturbation

[emi]

Hi, i am a 13 year old female! I am also a virgin.. Recently i’ve been trying to experiment with inserting (my fingers, and like the ends of makeup brushes) inside of me; but every time i’ve tried I seriously cannot feel a thing.. It’s like i’m “numb” on the inside of my vaginal canal. Every time I try and insert my finger (I’m still on a one finger basis) I can feel my walls, but my walls can’t feel my finger [If that makes any sense] I also do ‘in and out’ movements but once again I can’t feel anything & I get zero pleasure from it. I have a couple friends who have already had sexual intercourse and can masturbate perfectly fine without this problem i’m having and they always explain how it feels amazing and i’m the only one who can’t feel anything. The only reason why I want to be able to insert something inside of me and be able to get pleasure from it is so i’m ready for actual intercourse. If you can please help me with this it will greatly be appreciated! ~emi

[Sam W]

Hi Emi,

While your friends may very well be having pleasurable experiences with sex or masturbation (although people do tend to only talk about the times it felt good and not the times it was boring), I promise you're far from the first person to be experiencing this situation. In fact, I'd say concerns about not feeling much during masturbation are one of the most common topics we see here.

A big part of what might be going on here is that the vaginal canal isn't all that sensitive, especially once you get past the first third of it. That's part of why, for many people with vaginas, they usually need the clitoris or other parts of their external genitals touched in order for masturbation or sex to be all that pleasurable. You can read more about that here: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

In that same article, you'll also notice that we talk about the role the brain plays in our experience of pleasure. Long story short, if our brains aren't engaged in and aroused by what's going on, masturbation isn't likely to feel all that exciting. When you try masturbating, would you say you're really engaged in a fantasy or with a piece of sexual media? Or do you feel kind of bored or stressed, or like your mind is wandering?

Too, I hear you saying that the only reason you're trying to insert things during masturbation is so you'll be "ready" for intercourse with another person. I'd suggest focusing masturbation on things that feel good, rather than on preparing for a certain sexual activity, for a few different reasons. One is that doing things that feel good and we're excited to do helps masturbation feel more pleasurable. But more than that, readiness for vaginal sex, or any sex with another person, is way more about our mindset, or relationship with out partner, how willing we are to face certain risks, and things like that than it is about having practiced any specific activity. And that's before we get to the part where sex with another person doesn't have to involve vaginal intercourse if we, or they, don't want it to, you know?

I do want to add that if you're using household items during masturbation, you want to make sure you're using them safely. You can find the directions on how to do that here: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition

[emi]

Hii Sam! Thank you so much for responding! To answer ur question ‘When you try masturbating, would you say you're really engaged in a fantasy or with a piece of sexual media? Or do you feel kind of bored or stressed, or like your mind is wandering?’ I sometimes just use my imagination, but most of the time I use a piece of sexual media… I know for a fact that every time I try and insert stuff I never use sexual material and I feel bored and my mind always turns away from my fantasy’s and I start thinking about random things like “Omg my friends and family that have passed on can see me right now” or “Crap I need to study for a test, I don’t have time for this” and I immediately get turned off. I have been masturbating since I was probably 6-7? But I was a very hypersexual child (!!TW!! I have a feeling I was sexually as*aulted or r*ped as a kid but that’s a different story; sorry for the trauma dump..) so maybe I over did it as a child? Maybe that’s why i’m having this problem?

[Latha]

Hi Emi,

So one thing to try would be using a piece of sexual media or imagining something while you masturbate to keep yourself engaged- as Sam said, being distracted or bored can make things less exciting and pleasurable. You could also try to set aside free time to experiment with this- feeling pressured by work you have to do can indeed take you out of the moment.

I want to mention that it isn't bad or even that unusual for children to explore self-pleasure, though experiencing assault can cause some behavorial changes. Could overdoing it then have caused this problem? No, I don't think so- not feeling much with masturbation is a fairly common concern on its own.

Don't worry about trauma dumping. If you'd like, you can discuss topics like sexual assault and rape here- you can be candid, and you don't have to self-censor. We can help you sort through your thoughts, find resources, or we can just listen.

[emi]

Hi Latha!! Thank you so much for responding as well! I really appreciate all the help. But also when I get turned on I normally don’t want to insert stuff inside of me I just want to do other things, this is also kinda weird: but like I never see myself having actual intercourse with a guy.. I just never get turned on by the fact im gonna have sex with a guy, but I get turned on by guys doing things that aren’t necessarily sexual and it makes me want to jump their bones… Does that even make sense??

[Sam W]

Hi emi,

Yep, that makes total sense! People's experiences with arousal and desire are SO varied, and we won't always be aroused by the things that are presented as what we "should" find arousing (like sex). And, in my experience doing this work, plenty of people have things they find arousing that aren't purely, or even a little bit, sexual otherwise.

You know, if the idea of inserting things doesn't interest you and you don't really get pleasure from it, then it's totally okay to just not include it as part of masturbation. Masturbation is a chance for us to connect with and learn about what brings our brains and bodies pleasure, so there's not really a point to including something we don't like, you know?

I do want to touch on something you mentioned earlier, which is that you feel you were a "hypersexual" child. As Latha pointed out, masturbation is a common behavior even for little kids, but where there other behaviors or experiences you had that lead to you feeling you were hypersexual?

[emi]

Well, I do remember playing with some sort of vibrating back massager (I grew up with a mom who had a broken back and had tons of surgeries and stuff) and I was sitting crisscross style and I dropped the massager straight into my lap and I felt something I had never felt before soo I ended up telling my mom about it (I was like 6 mind the fact) and she was a little flabbergasted and didn’t really mention it again until I was first going through puberty and had the talk with me. And then when I was in like kindergarten I found out about humping like I would hump literally anything until I finished at like 6 years old (I obviously didn’t know what finishing was then but when I experienced it when I got older it felt the same as when I was a kid) and once again my mom knew because I was literally humping my booster seat (more like moving my hips around so i’m like rubbing myself on the booster seat) and she saw me doing that in the mirror at the top of the car and said “does that feel good?” or something and when I said yeah she told me that I shouldn’t do that in front of people and only do it when i’m alone. That’s really it besides feeling a “heart beat” down there when there was kissing scenes in movies or tv shows)

[Amanda B]

Hi emi,

As my colleagues have mentioned, masturbation can be common for kids. After all, it just feels good! When your mom did bring things up with you, how did it make you feel? Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of, but sometimes people in our lives, and society as a whole, can make us feel things like shame around it. These feelings may lead to having trouble enjoying the sensations of masturbation. Can you think of messages, from your mom and others, around masturbation you may have received? Do you remember these messages being good, bad, or somewhere in between?

[emi]

Well she never degraded me about masturbation, when I was 10 she caught me in the act (I do not know why i’m always getting caught in these stories) and she told me it was normal and gave me a more in depth talk (About orgasms and the clitris, the g-spot, the hymen; it was very abroad then the whole “birds and the bees” and the whole “popping your cherry” topic) she told me that if I wanted her to buy me a sex toy all I had to do was ask (I have yet to ask btw) She’s the only one that’s ever knew about my masturbation and has never made me feel bad about it

[Amanda B]

I'm glad it sounds like your mom was supportive around conversations about sexuality. Is a sex toy something you'd be interested in trying since your mom offered to support that exploration? Sex toys come in many forms, and there are tons of options that focus only on external stimulation, so you don't have to worry about having something inside you. Does this sound like something you'd be comfortable with?

[emi]

I mean yeah it does but I just don’t know what I would be interested in…

[Heather]

Hey there, emi.

Not everyone is comfortable getting a sex toy through a parent, so if you're not, that's okay. If you are, though, looking at your posts here and what you have said about what you enjoy so far, it sounds like a vibrator meant for external (as in, not inside the vagina, but on the external clitoris and other parts of the vulva) sensation is probably what would be the best fit for you right now.

That might be a more powerful vibrator with a larger surface area like a Hitachi wand, or something smaller, with a range of settings, like a kind of what are often called "bullet" vibes (because of their size and shape).