I'm a virgin and I'm scared to insert a finger

[dona]

I'm a female, I'm almost 20 years old and I've never had sex before. I was very curious about sex ever since I was 14 and from then on till now I like to play with my clitoris and I've never inserted a finger inside my vagina. Truth is I wanted to wait until it was the right time for me, when i could find a partner i could trust. I have tried to insert my finger but I feel scared to that by myself so I thought it would be better if I wait until me and my partner decide to have sex. To be honest I don't trust myself and that's why I feel scared... I don't want to hurt myself. And this is why I always wanted my first time to be with someone experienced so that he knows the female body and can guide me.

I did find the man I was looking for, the one that made me wanna have sex and think about it. The problem is that once I told him that I have never inserted a finger inside me he got very worried and explained to me that this is a thing I need to do first by myself. He said that this is something I should have tried long ago and that I have to try it so that I know what I want and what I like. He thinks that if I never try it myself then I would feel weird and not comfortable when he will do it as it will be the first time that something would slide inside of me. He is right I know he is but I am really so comfortable with him and I feel very safe so I don't feel any reason to be scared or stiff. Also, I do know that this sounds a bit selfish because I make it sound like I'm pushing him to do this for me but it's not like that. I'm only scared I might do something that will hurt me because I'm inexperienced and that's why I want him to do it for me. We are very honest with each other and we talk very openly about these things. He's a man with experiences but this is the first time he's going to have sex with a virgin...

After saying all these things I got that he is very right and I tried to insert a finger again but it was impossible. Sometimes it feels like I can't find the opening, sometimes that I'm not sure if that is the right one. I don't even know how it looks inside as I can barely see. I used a mirror but I can't see it. And I don't know how it is supposed to feel like. Should I insert it slowly or with pressure? I'm so scared I will hurt myself. Also note that we're only talking about these things yet and we haven't done anything in practice.

Thank you very much in advance. I'm sorry you have to read all of these.

[Sam W]

Hi dona,

So, while we do often encourage people to masturbate and get familiar with their own bodies before being sexual with another person, it's not exactly a requirement in the way your boyfriend is making it sound. Too, while familiarity with your body is one thing that can prevent painful intercourse, it's not the only thing that helps avoid that. Looking at this article, do these all look like things you and your partner could do? From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

When it comes to that intense worry about hurting yourself, is it just that you're worried about sex being painful in some way? Or are you worried about it causing specific kinds of harm to your body?

As far as trying to insert a finger on your own, when you've tried that in the past have you had a diagram or a book with you to help you make sense of what you're feeling and seeing?

[dona]

Thank you for your quick response.

To be honest I don't have any thoughts about a painful intercourse, meaning that it has never crossed my mind because I trust him and I know my body would be very relaxed. I read the article and yes it seems like we could do these things.

Coming to the second part, as I said I don't think that sex would be painful. Or that inserting a finger would cause me pain. I feel like I have this idea stuck in my head that if I do it I could possibly hurt myself because I don't know which is the right way to do it or how it will feel. But I truly feel okay with having him doing it. This is what I want. I trust him but not myself and this may sound a bit funny but it's the truth...

However I didn't mention that he's not pushing me into anything and he's not forcing me. He's only suggesting that it could be a good idea if I did it. He has also expressed that this is something that scares him and feels worried. He thinks that it's something everyone should do before experiencing sex and he says that it probably means something that I still haven't tried such a simple thing...


When I tried to insert a finger I did have a diagram. To me it felt like I found the right spot l, I'm almost certain I did. But I can't insert it. It's impossible and if I press more I'm scared I could do something that would cause pain. I've read that we need to be "wet" before inserting anything. However, I don't know what that should feel like. Because I've been wet before yes but I never felt the need to slide my finger inside. For me clitoral stimulation is very satisfying but of course I feel the need now to try more.

And is it possible to be extremely aroused when you're by yourself? I get this intense whenever I'm talking to him about the things that he wants to do to my body. But whenever I'm alone and I would try to get aroused while watching videos etc I never get this much tension.

Thank you for your time and help!

[Mo]

It sounds like you weren't feeling very aroused when you tried inserting your finger, which I think may have been part of why you were having some difficulty with it. Any sort of vaginal entry (whether that's with a finger, a partner's penis, or a toy) is going to be much easier and more comfortable when we're feeling really aroused and relaxed. Using some good lubricant can be helpful too, but all the lube in the world isn't likely to make up for a lack of arousal.

How aroused you can get by yourself will vary from person to person. Plenty of people find themselves aroused when they're alone or not with a partner, but some people do respond a lot more with a partner than by themselves. One thing you could try, if you find that you're a lot more aroused with your partner, is attempting to insert your finger when you're doing some other sexual things together and you're feeling very turned on in the moment. Is that something you think you'd be comfortable doing or talking to your partner about?

[dona]

I've also thought about trying to insert a finger when we're doing sexual things together. However, I've never tried it because I'm a bit shy that the first time I would ever do this he would be there with me. Because it would he the very first try for me and I think I will get embarrassed in case I won't succeed in it. That is why I would prefer to do it alone and then yes I would be comfortable and relaxed knowing that I can do it.

I know that he would be very okay with it. He has even asked me to do it when he is there, I mean to give it a try. But I would feel ashamed if it wasn't a successful try.

I find it very embarrassing that I can't insert a finger in my own body. If I can't do it then how will someone else do it? I have these questions these days...

[Sam W]

Hi Dona,

I hear you focusing a lot of worry on whether you'd be "successful" doing this in front of him. The thing is, this isn't really the kind of thing you can succeed or fail at. Yes, you might still have trouble inserting a finger, but that isn't a failure; it's you getting more information about what does or does not help you feel aroused and comfortable enough to do that. Does that make sense?

Too, you not being able to do this right away isn't a sign that no one will ever be able to. As Mo pointed out, arousal plays a big role in being able to insert anything into the vaginal canal, so the more you're able to relax and be aroused, the more likely you or a partner will be able to do that down the road.

[dona]

Hello,

I guess I feel this pressure because he's experienced and I don't want him to think that I'm not capable to do that. I would not feel good about myself if I don't manage to insert it. And I believe that the thought that I might hurt myself won't leave my mind even if I'm with him. But of course I can't push him into this and make him be the one to do it for me.

Then based on what you said, he will be able to do it. But I must be aroused and relaxed, which I will definitely be I know that.

There's one more question I need to ask.
He has told me that he likes being rough and hard in sex. He has also told me many times that when he's going to insert his fingers inside me, he wants to be "rough" with that too. I'm curious if that could possibly hurt me as it will be my first experience with sex. I know he won't wait until next time. He would do it on that first time...

[Michaela]

Hi Dona,

I hope you don't mind me chiming in to respond to your last post. It definitely does sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and on this one act as well which I could, understandably, see leading to less arousal and more difficulty-- and cue the starting of a cycle. Since arousal is primarily in our heads it makes sense that you find it easier to become aroused when you are with him because your mind might be more focused on that moment and things that are being said, thought of, felt, etc. What would you think about exploring this with him when he is over the phone or text so there is a little bit of a barrier?

In terms of being scared of hurting yourself, if you are aware in the moment of how your body is feeling I have no doubt that you will notice if something is feeling painful and that might be a cue to try something a little different (like Sam says, it gives you more information). A part of that is remaining curious, for example, if you try something and start to feel a little pain you could try using some lube, maybe a different type of media, maybe a different angle, etc.

In terms of the last question that you asked, I think a good question to ask yourself here is what do YOU want? Since you expressed that you have some worry around injury, how would you feel about talking to him about what you might want out of the first time you have sex (maybe things like being gentler or slower the first time)? It is your body so you get to decide what feels best for you and how you want that first time to go. How do you feel about having that conversation with him?

[bree_bby]

I'm a female, I'm almost 20 years old and I've never had sex before. I was very curious about sex ever since I was 14 and from then on till now I like to play with my clitoris and I've never inserted a finger inside my vagina. Truth is I wanted to wait until it was the right time for me, when i could find a partner i could trust. I have tried to insert my finger but I feel scared to that by myself so I thought it would be better if I wait until me and my partner decide to have sex. To be honest I don't trust myself and that's why I feel scared... I don't want to hurt myself. And this is why I always wanted my first time to be with someone experienced so that he knows the female body and can guide me.

I did find the man I was looking for, the one that made me wanna have sex and think about it. The problem is that once I told him that I have never inserted a finger inside me he got very worried and explained to me that this is a thing I need to do first by myself. He said that this is something I should have tried long ago and that I have to try it so that I know what I want and what I like. He thinks that if I never try it myself then I would feel weird and not comfortable when he will do it as it will be the first time that something would slide inside of me. He is right I know he is but I am really so comfortable with him and I feel very safe so I don't feel any reason to be scared or stiff. Also, I do know that this sounds a bit selfish because I make it sound like I'm pushing him to do this for me but it's not like that. I'm only scared I might do something that will hurt me because I'm inexperienced and that's why I want him to do it for me. We are very honest with each other and we talk very openly about these things. He's a man with experiences but this is the first time he's going to have sex with a virgin...

After saying all these things I got that he is very right and I tried to insert a finger again but it was impossible. Sometimes it feels like I can't find the opening, sometimes that I'm not sure if that is the right one. I don't even know how it looks inside as I can barely see. I used a mirror but I can't see it. And I don't know how it is supposed to feel like. Should I insert it slowly or with pressure? I'm so scared I will hurt myself. Also note that we're only talking about these things yet and we haven't done anything in practice.

Thank you very much in advance. I'm sorry you have to read all of these.

hi dona, we are literally living the same life lol! i see it’s almost been a year now, has anything changed? if so, any advice?

[dona]

Hii!! Hahahah well it's been almost a year now but nothing has changed. I did insert my finger in few times though. But very slowly and just one finger. And now I'm scared to move my finger when it's inside. I didn't do anything in particular that made me insert it. One night I just did it and that's how I found out how it should be. I believe you shouldn't think about it this much... this was my mistake. You will do it when you feel like you want it and once you slide your finger in just a little bit you will see how it works.