Masterbation preference changes?

[Nadia91]

Hello,

I posted on here a few months back about my first orgasm. I tried having another orgasm and was successful the next 2 or so times, however I didn't feel the vaginal walls contracting.
Q: does that only happen for vaginal orgasms and not clitoral?

Also, I tried pleasuring myself with the shower head and used to get faint orgasms, however, the shower head isn't working on me anymore. Back in August it worked for a few days, but I have tried a few times in the past 2 months and it doesnt work. Is that normal? That something works a few times and then doesn't work anymore? I find I have that problem, so for example I was sure rubbing circles around my clit wouldn't work, but recently it did, one time, however I can't get it to work again.

[Latha]

Hi there, Nadia91

To my knowledge, muscle contractions are not unique to vaginal orgasms- it may be that the contractions didn't happen this time, or that they were not very obvious.

Is that normal? That something works a few times and then doesn't work anymore?

Yes, this is normal, the same technique may not work every time. I understand how that can be pretty frustrating though- keep experimenting with other ways of masturbating, and be patient with yourself.

[Nadia91]

Hi,

The thing is I've only had muscle contractions in my vagina once or twice. The 2nd time it felt like waves of pleasure, but after that time I've just been getting a pulsating feeling around my clitoris every few seconds. Sometimes l can feel it in my lower abdomen. Is this normal?

Yes, the change is frustrating. It feels like I've figured it out, but then haven't...

[Nadia91]

Hi again,

I think the answer to this is clearly no, but can someone get the muscle contractions and not know?

I am able to feel the other emotions, for example my breathing gets heavier, I feel a build up of tension lower down and then the pulsating around my clitoris starts, my body sometimes warms up, and then at times a few seconds after the pulsating I feel a discharge. Mentally I am then no longer turned on.

Is this what an orgasm is?
I at the time feel so sure, but now am doubtful.

[Andy]

Hi Nadia!
The thing is that there is no given set of rules of how orgasm should or shouldn’t feel like, it is such a complex process happening on several levels of our body (genitals, hormones, emotions…) that it will necessarily differ from person to person and from one time to another. And echoing what Latha said, while contractions around the vagina are often part of this that does by no means mean that they are involved every time, and I can certainly imagine them being hard to notice sometimes.
What orgasms are, how they feel and what can lead to them is a broad topic so I recommend checking out this amazing article to learn more about all this.
As for changes in what works for you when masturbating, that really does sounds frustrating to navigate. I think it might help to not see masturbation as something that has to be figured out. More experimentation and experience will definitely lead to learning more about the things that often feel good for you, but generally, for most people these things don’t stay the same through their lives. Everyone will eventually end up in a place where they need to find new ways to do things, and this to far more life situations than just masturbating. Therefore learning to work with the frustration and keeping an open mind can become a very useful skill for you. What do you think?

[Nadia91]

Hi,

I've read that article before! I do refer to the 4 stages in my mind. The issue is I am an overthinker. Especially when it comes to intimacy, pleasure and men. Otherwise I'd love to follow your idea..

help lol

[Andy]

Hi,
(Sorry I missed Sam already recommended you the article, if you found it helpful, you can read more on these topics following the links at the bottom or just search through the whole site)
I see how being too much in our heads can make all off this more difficult. Just to make sure we are on the same page here, what does being an overthinker exactly mean to you in these contexts? Also, what specifically do you want us to help you with?

[Nadia91]

So for example, in this context questions that I've obsessed over:
- my clit doesn't feel like it enlarges when turned on. Is there something wrong with me?
- Reasons why something might not be working whilst it did last time
- I bet everyone else knows what they're doing and always come when they try.
- Maybe I wasn't turned on enough.
- If I'm not as turned on as regularly, how will that impact future relationships.

You can see I think alot and then that's followed by other people don't overthink stuff like this - there's something wrong with me.

I guess I need help with the overthinking and how to stop the obsessing, because these thoughts come whilst I'm trying to do day to day things.

[Andy]

Thank you for the answers, they are really helpful!

It seems like you have quite specific ideas about what is or isn’t normal and I think it could be helpful for you to rethink those a little. Firstly, with something often as personal and intimate as sex or masturbation it is difficult to get enough data to even know what is more usual and what isn’t among people, secondly even if we had the data and could make some kind of average out of them that wouldn’t tell us anything about any individual person, and thirdly, even if we could do that and then something wouldn’t fall into the "most usual" category that wouldn’t mean at all it is somewhat wrong or abnormal. Can you see what I’m getting at with this?

We can discuss some of your concerns individually if you want, but first if it helps to hear, I would like to emphasize that you are not by far the only person struggling with these things. If you check other parts of our boards, you will see there are many people with questions similar to yours.

As for the overthinking, is it something you notice in other parts of your life as well? Have you tried some strategies for dealing with the thoughts when they become too much?

[Nadia91]

"Firstly, with something often as personal and intimate as sex or masturbation it is difficult to get enough data to even know what is more usual and what isn’t among people..." This makes so much sense! It gives a feeing that because there are so many people out in the world, there must be some who have similar concerns to mine.

I have read through the other posts, but they are from people younger than me.I started this all a bit later, trying to orgasm I mean.

It would be great if we could discuss the individual concerns..
I do journal my thoughts in my phone hence started to think I am not normal with all of this overthinking.
This is the only thing I overthink - masterbation/guys or 1 specific guy.

[Latha]

Hi Nadia91,

I'm glad you found what Andy said to be useful!

Yes, there are many people in the world who have similar concerns to you. And the people who come here tend to be younger, but there are plenty of people at your age who struggle with these things as well. Also, you've said it yourself- you've started exploring this pretty recently and it does take time and practice to get a sense of how our bodies work.

Keeping aside whether this is normal, I understand why you are overthinking these things. Intimacy and relationships are delicate subjects, and questions related to these topics don't always have clear, definitive answers, so it is easy to worry.

Let's consider your concerns:

my clit doesn't feel like it enlarges when turned on. Is there something wrong with me?

This is again one of those things that might not be very obvious, depending on your expectations and your body. It may feel a bit harder and bigger, it might change to a deeper color, and it might feel more sensitive than usual, but this isn't a very dramatic change.

Sometimes our bodies don't act the way we expect them to. When that happens, try not to jump to the thought that there is something wrong with you. You may need to adjust your expectations, change something that you're doing, or visit a doctor, but that is okay, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

Reasons why something might not be working whilst it did last time

It can be helpful to examine what might be different when something that has worked in the past isn't working now, but don't worry too much about that. Not everything that influences our sexuality is in our control.

I bet everyone else knows what they're doing and always come when they try.

Oh, that certainly isn't true, trust me. Even people who are very experienced have times when they don't orgasm, for whatever reason. It can seem like you should just know your own body and sexuality, but that isn't the case- this is just something that you have to learn.

Maybe I wasn't turned on enough.

That is possible. If I may ask, what is your mental state like when you masturbate? Do you imagine certain fantasies? Are you very focused on the sensations? Do you find yourself feeling frustrated, bored, or distracted?

If I'm not as turned on as regularly, how will that impact future relationships.

I see why you're worried about this, it can seem like sex is such an important part of relationships. Maybe it will help to remember some things: You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. You can have a romantic relationship that doesn't involve sex or doesn't involve it very often. Relationships are based on more than whether people are completely and always sexually compatible, so not being turned on regularly doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. Plus, you are trying to learn about your body now- in time, you may figure this out. Anyway, don't let this stop you from pursuing relationships if you want them.

P.S. You might like to read this advice column: Ask not what your body can do for you, but what you can do for your body!

[Nadia91]

Hi,

Thank you for the advice.

1. I have felt it become harder. I guess my expectations were higher so this isn't a concern I have anymore.

2. I think my life circumstances were different. Also, I feel like back then I wasn't putting pressure on myself so was going with what my body wanted.

3. That is good to know about the experienced people.

4. Thinking about it my thought process is just to cum and nothing else really. I might start with a situation in my head, but within a minute or 2 the focus is on the getting the orgasm, not the fantasy or the sensation. So I think I treat the whole process as a very quick means to an end.

[Nadia91]

Thinking about this I remember I had the same issue early in the year, whereby I was stressing over it all and trying to force an orgasm.

I decided to give it a mental break (which I want to do again) and only try when I'm in a sexual mood.

After my break, I was able to orgasm (by taking my time and focusing on the sensation and not the goal), but was comparing it so much to what is shown in American TV shows that I didn't realise that's what it was. I feel like TV shows put a very heightened expectation of how a woman should react, so if a normal person isn't responding with hands pulling on the bedsheets etc it's not an orgasm.

[Heather]

Absolutely agreed that media tends to overblow orgasm and make them all seem like they are that kind, especially for women!