Pregnant or not?

[Luke]

Had sex 18 weeks ago today. She is on depo provera and gets it consistently and correctly. She also had a tubal ligation. She has experienced no symptoms of pregnancy in the 18 weeks. She has taken 9 urine tests over the course of 18 weeks, and all of them, every single one, came back negative. Can we conclude that she is not pregnant?

[Sam W]

Hi Luke,

Yes, you can very safely say she is not pregnant. Not only is she on Depo, which in and off itself is very effective, she also had a tubal litigation on top of that, which means the chances of pregnancy from vaginal sex were very low to begin with. Combine that with 9 negative tests and you can absolutely say she's not pregnant.

Can I ask whether it's you, her, or both of you that's still feeling anxious about this even after those nine tests?

[Luke]

Thank you so much for your reply. It is not her at all, she is not experiencing any anxiety and she thinks that my fear is irrational. The reason I am so anxious is because I have read many stories online (which I probably shouldn't have) of false negative urine tests. But given all the information, it does seem logical to conclude non pregnancy right? So, would it even be necessary for me to ask her to go for a blood test or ultrasound, or is the evidence sufficient enough to conclude that she is not pregnant?

Thank you again!

[Sam W]

Nope, there's no need for her to get either of those, since they're not going to tell you anything the nine negative tests haven't. Too, while there can be instances where an at-home test produces a false negative, it's not going to do that nine times in a row. So, I agree it's time to steer clear of the places you're finding those stories about negative tests.

[Luke]

Thank you again.

In this instance, would withdrawal be of any added benefit? Because I did that too.

So just giving a relatively complete history. She had been diagnosed with advanced pcos and stage 4 endometriosis. She then got a tubal ligation and started using depo provera. The sex was 18 weeks ago and she has had no symptoms in the 18 weeks. For my sake she did the nine tests which all came back negative.

So, depo in itself is extremely effective if used perfectly, tubal in itself is very effective, and i used withdrawal too, i did not ejaculate inside of her. Then we did the tests.

How confident can i feel in letting this situation go without worrying that it is going to change in the next month or so from this specific incident? Would you say that rationally there is no chance of pregnancy given all the information, and it is purely the anxiety? I need to know this, so that I can know what sort of help I need.

So my questions are: How confident can I feel letting this situation go without any lingering worries (how confident would you feel if you were in the same situation), does it seem more of a psychological matter that I need to deal with, or is there actually still a risk of pregnancy despite the evidence at hand, and lastly why is there such a drastic difference in our feelings towards this-why am I the only one being afraid of this possibility? Am I being irrational about it?

Thank you.

[Latha]

Hi there Luke

Let me assure you, you can feel very confident that your girlfriend is not pregnant. I would feel very confident if I was in your situation.

I can't say that withdrawal would significantly help here- given that your girlfriend has had a tubal ligation and she gets Depo Provera, the risk of pregnancy was already very low anyway.

Your girlfriend is probably less concerned about this because she has correctly understood that she could not be pregnant in this situation. Irrational is a loaded word- I would say that your anxiety about this isn't grounded in any real risk.

Do you experience anxiety about other things in your life? It may be a good idea to get some support from a therapist to help you deal with it- it must be exhausting to worry like this.

For the time being, it might be a good idea to refrain from having sex so you can work on managing these anxious feelings and becoming more comfortable with evaluating risk.

[Luke]

Thank you for your reply.

I want to trust the negative results obtained, and I want to let it go, I just don't know what is keeping me from letting it go. I also don't want to ask her to go for a blood test or ultrasound if it is not necessary, especially because she truly feels that there is no need for it. I mean, after 18 weeks she surely would have felt something or even shown by now?

Anyway, I have not ever experienced anxiety so severe in my life before. It is rather debilitating, and I have lost 15kg in this 18 weeks due to the stress and anxiety I have been feeling.

How do I let this go? How do I get myself to feel confident enough to trust in her methods of contraception and the nine negative results? What do I do? Because, like you rightly said, it is exhausting to go through this daily.

I know that no contraceptive is 100% effective and no test is 100% infallible, but can I say that IN THIS INSTANCE, it was 100% effective and she is 100% not pregnant, without having to conduct further testing?

Thank you for your help.

[Luke]

Sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to keep asking reassurance - i was just worried about the possibility of all nine being false negatives, and her going through a cryptic pregnancy which could obviously be detrimental. But like I said, she truly does not feel it is necessary to go for a blood test or an ultrasound. And I cannot convince her otherwise. So I am not sure what I should do - put my trust in the tests or try to talk her into getting additional testing. And I can also not really talk to her about the anxiety that I am experiencing because she shoots it down and says that there is absolutely no possibility. I truly am just worried that we don't catch it in time and she goes through a cryptic. I have read the article you shared and the guilt and shame does resonate with me. But yet I am still struggling to accept that it is the guilt and shame, rather than the fear of actual pregnancy. Hence I am asking you, if it was you in my position and given all the evidence available, would you yourself be able to say that there is no possibility of pregnancy, and that it is purely based on anxiety secondary to guilt and shame?

[Sam W]

Hi Luke,

So, going forward, I'm going to set a limit around you asking us to confirm that your girlfriend isn't pregnant. We have already made it very clear that isn't the case, and we know from helping other users with similar issues that while reassurance seeking like that can feel like it's helping, it just keeps people locked in this anxiety loop for longer.

As for why you're finding this anxiety so hard to shake, a helpful starting place would to give this article a read if you haven't already: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?. It's technically written for the person who would be carrying the pregnancy, but all of the reasons given could apply to both partners. Do you see any reasons in it that feel like they resonate with you?

[Sam W]

Luke,

It looks like you bumped your post so that these replies are now slightly out of order. That being said, I'm going to close this thread up now because you're continuing to engage with that reassurance seeking. We have made it very clear your girlfriend is not pregnant in this instance, and continuing to engage with that is just going to keep you in this anxiety loop.

If you want to make a new post where we talk about that guilt and shame, you can, but please do not make any more where you ask us for reassurance about this whole situation.

Also, I would suggest not pushing her to get anymore tests. She clearly feels confident in the nine she's taken, and in her understanding and feelings of her own body. So at this point, your anxiety around this is yours to manage, not something you should use to push her into taking a test she doesn't need.