cheating?

[chailover2]

hi!

i have a boyfriend of 2 years who i love a lot. however i do find other guys attractive and i feel guilty for doing so because my boyfriend doesn’t even think about other girls. he’s so 100% always focused on me like i don’t think hes even found a girl attractive besides me since before we started dating. yet i feel like i find other guys attractive, and sometimes my anxiety makes my mind wander off and wonder what it would be like to date them. this all makes me feel really guilty and wrong for doing so. and then on top of that i am always jealous and insecure about my boyfriend finding other girls hot which is hypocritical of me but that’s how i feel. advice?

[chailover2]

to add on, i am friends with guys but my boyfriend isn’t friends with girls, which also makes me feel guilty. or if i am spending time with a guy (in a group) and im enjoying his presence, ill start comparing him to my boyfriend or feeling really guilty about having fun with that guy.

a year or so ago, i was friends with a few guys very closely because we just had to spend a lot of time together due to classes and stuff outside of school. this made me think that i had a crush on them and maybe i did- (but i didnt think about them at all like on my own time i just enjoyed their presence) but i also think that my guilty anxiety made me think i was doing something wrong by enjoying spending time with them. idk

this has been weighing on me for awhile because i just want to feel towards my boyfriend the undivided attention or like tunnel vision that he feels for me, yet i don’t know if im actually doing anything wrong? maybe we’re just different?

[Ellie]

Hi chailover2,

I can certainly understand why you might be feeling bad about this, but not to worry - feeling attraction towards others outside of your relationship is a completely normal experience. Feelings are automatic and frankly, out of our control. But our actions are within our control! Finding someone attractive doesn't imply anything about your intentions, or detract from your feelings for your boyfriend. You sound very certain that you love your boyfriend and are committed to him. Do you think that maybe you're comparing yourself with your boyfriend? Having "tunnel vision" is not a better way of loving, or any more virtuous - like you said, it's just different. I think what really matters is how you treat each other. If your boyfriend is happy and feels appreciated, I don't think anything has to change. Would you agree?

[chailover2]

I guess so, yes. I think I just feel bad that he doesn't feel the same way I do, like he doesn't experience what I experience. How can I accept that things are just different and it's as simply as that?

[Ellie]

It's okay to have some differences in a relationship. Do you think communicating how you're feeling to him might bring you some relief?

[chailover2]

I have- he just tells me it's okay and that I'm not doing anything wrong, yet I still can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong. I had this big anxiety period last year where I thought I had a crush on those guys that I mentioned earlier, but I'm pretty sure it was just me overreacting and I didn't at all. I communicated that all to him, but that made him very insecure and sad because ofc no person in a relationship wants to hear that their partner thinks they may have a crush on someone else. I can confirm now that it wasn't me having a crush on someone, and he knows that, but I still feel like the one causing waves and doing something bad.

[Sam W]

Hi chailover2,

You know, I wonder if it might help to think of this as being as much about what you're each communicating as what you're each feeling. What I mean by that is that he may have, or may in the future, have a crush on someone other than you, but choose not to say anything about it because he doesn't feel like he needs to or like it'd make you feel bad if he did. You, on the other hand, may be more comfortable being open about those feelings, or feel more obligated to share them (I will say that I come down on the side of not being obligated to share if you have a crush on someone other than your partner, just because sometimes that leads to hurt feelings with no purpose).

I also think that deciding when/if to share if you have a crush on someone else depends on what you know about their partner and how secure they feel in themselves and the relationship. Notice how I said the decision was about sharing, not about forming a crush; crushes can pop up without us intending them to, and that's not an inherently bad thing. It just means we live on a planet with lots of people on it, some of whom might appeal to us, you know?

[chailover2]

Ok, that makes sense. I just feel like he loves me more than I love him, but I don't know if that's just because I'm always anxious about our relationship and he's very confident in it. I just always have the tendency to want to break up with him even if I know I wouldn't want that... but maybe I do? I said this before but I also just feel like I'm always picking him apart in my head and thinking that I probably couldn't marry him so why should I be with him now. I also find myself comparing him to other guys. IDK its awful because he's such a great person I am confused why I do this to myself or feel this way. I feel like I can't be content in my relationship and I'm always feeling uncertain. I almost feel uncomfortable with the fact that he loves me so much, but IDK IDk i do not know. stressed.

[Heather]

I find that sometimes in these kinds of situations it helps to ask ourselves very direct questions and just push ourselves to answer them from our gut, rather than after thinking about them.

For instance:
• Does this relationship make you happy?
• Does this relationship feel like a really integral part of your life, like if he wasn't in it, there would be a big him-shaped hole in your life?
• Do you still feel excited and happy about your time together?
• Do you very much want to be in this relationship?
• Are you deeply invested in this relationship?
• Are you still in this because you really want to be, or just because it's become familiar and it feels easier to stay than go?

[chailover2]

I wish I could say those questions helped but my answer is "i don't know" for some of them. I go through periods of these feelings too, and they usually pop up when I'm stressed, but I don't know if it's about something bigger. We're also doing long distance, idk if that's worth mentioning. I think I just think too much about everything, but I don't know how to stop picking him apart and comparing him to others in my head.

[Heather]

Do you feel like you would know if this was an earnestly amazing relationship for you that was meeting all your wants and needs?

[chailover2]

To that question, yes. for sure. I mean yes I think I would know, and yes it is.

[Heather]

So, I would say that if you just don't know the answer to any of those kinds of questions, it seems pretty clear this is not an amazing relationship meeting all or even most of your wants and needs.

The question would then be: if it isn't that, is it something you want to stay in? And if so, is it a thing where you want to invite your boyfriend to work with you to make it amazing and have it meet more of your wants and needs, or where you just are going to accept it as is, even though it's not really great and you aren't obligated to stay in it?

[chailover2]

Well, here is how I would answer these questions.
• Does this relationship make you happy?- yes, besides the anxiety i have about it
• Does this relationship feel like a really integral part of your life, like if he wasn't in it, there would be a big him-shaped hole in your life?- i think so
• Do you still feel excited and happy about your time together?- yes!
• Do you very much want to be in this relationship?- yes but i get anxious and uncertain
• Are you deeply invested in this relationship?- yes definitely
• Are you still in this because you really want to be, or just because it's become familiar and it feels easier to stay than go?- this is hard! but i think because i want to be? i dont know i think this is a hard question

i don't know if this changes your most recent response to me. i just feel very anxious and hypercritical about the relationship and him, and i'm just trying to figure out if that's my own issues (and i would repeat it in any relationship i have) of if it's him.

[Amanda B]

Hi chailover2,

Thanks for providing some answers to Heather's questions! I hear that you're feeling very anxious and critical of the relationship, but it also makes you happy and excited. We can experience many emotions at once, and that doesn't invalidate any one of them.

I heard you say you're unsure if you would marry this person. Is this something you need to be sure of at this point in time? Many people will have many relationships in their lifetime; some platonic, some romantic, some sexual, some short, some long. Some of us have been socialized to believe the most important relationships are the long-term, romantic relationships that result in a lifelong commitment. But this simply isn't true. We can have meaningful connections with people for any amount of time and still be fulfilled. All this to say, this relationship could simply be a shorter-term one, and that's okay! It sounds like it makes you happy now, and that's what matters most.

How does all of this sound?