First time gone wrong

[Wanjiee]

Hey... I'm a 20year old girlie and I've been in a relationship with my guy for 2years and we have been trying to have sex and he's actually been so close to full penetration but there's this point i feel a sharp pain then i just freak out and I ask him to stop... The thing is I feel like I'm really disappointing him... I feel like it's so awkward to have dated that long and not had sex...we do other nasty stuff except sex... we've tried like 6 times...today we tried again and he told me that that's the closest we've ever gotten coz he got a bit deeper... I still feel like i disappointed him thoughwhat should i do

[OrionRay]

Hey Wanjiee,

This is a fairly common problem among people with vaginas. Luckily, there are some relatively reliable ways to help!

- First of all, read this article! It covers topics I won't touch on in this comment, but it's all good to know anyway. https://www.scarleteen.com/article/gend ... ntercourse

- You should always include foreplay in sex, whatever that looks like for you. When aroused the vagina will naturally loosen and expand. Trying to have penetration without being aroused can cause serious pain, which may be what you're experiencing!

- See a gynecologist! If you are aroused and you're still having issues, it may be a sign of an underlying medical issue that you should see a professional for. They can help you!

- Lube. The vagina is self lubricating but sometimes that doesn't cut it, and that's okay! Buy some lube (water based if you're using latex condoms), and use it generously.

Now, on to the last part of your post:
It's not at all wrong for you to have waited this long to have sex. Relationships aren't linear, and they shouldn't be. Whatever timeline feels natural to you is what you should be abiding by, not what you believe is expected of you. In that same vein, your boyfriend is in no way entitled to sex. He should not be disappointed in you for needing to take things slower, and if he is, it may be time to reassess. Another major factor in painful intercourse is emotional discomfort. If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, your body will respond by seizing up, resulting in pain. Make sure you're having open, honest and vulnerable conversations about sex before you have it.

I hope this helps!

[Wanjiee]

Thank you so much... Actually when today he told me that that's the deepest he's ever gotten and we were so close to getting done with it... I felt so proud of myself but the look on his face just screamed disappointed and my excitement kind of fadedand I just felt bad about myself... We've tried it like 7 times and I just get the disappointed look most of the time... I wish he'd ask how I'm feeling or anything like that coz now I end up trying to cheer him up and feeling bad about myself

[Wanjiee]

Also I was trying to tell him to wait so that I can get a little bit comfortable because he had said I had put him in an uncomfortable position and he just didn't and I couldn't keep still or stay in a proper position coz i was feeling the pain then he just unerected and then made me feel bad about myself

[Sam W]

Hi Wanjiee,

So, as Orion said, there can be physical things involved--like not using enough lube, or not being aroused enough--that make inserting things into the vagina more difficult. But From what you're describing, I suspect a big part of what's going on here is that the dynamic you have with your boyfriend. Am I right that now, whenever you two try to have vaginal sex, you're nervous about whether you'll be in pain or "disappoint" him? Or that you're feeling pressure, from him, yourself, or both, to make insertion work?

Too, it's not great that you end these interactions feeling bad about yourself because of his reactions, or like you have to cheer him up; after all, you were the one in pain, not him. That, combined with the fact that he didn't wait when you asked him to, is painting a picture of someone who is not a good sexual partner. He seems to be treating his desires as more important than your basic comfort, which isn't okay behavior. Does that make sense?

I think it's also worth asking yourself why vaginal sex feels like this thing that you absolutely have to have, rather than just one of the many ways people can choose to be sexual. After all, plenty of people never have vaginal sex and have happy, healthy sex lives without it.

[Wanjiee]

Yeah... whenever we try to have vaginal sex, I am not usually nervous about the pain mostly it's whether I'll disappoint him or not... Today, we could've actually done it if only he was patient, because I wanted to just take things slow you know.... now he's disappointed he hasn't talked to me for hours and it's just sad... What i find more sad is how we never realy had this conversation about having sex, he just came one day and said, let's do it... He's done it before... I haven't and to him it's something normal, to me it's new and shouldn't he understand that. Shouldn't he ask himself maybe I'm not ready and what we should do about it... Thank you though

[Sam W]

Hi Wanjiee,

I'm sorry that he's treated this as something you'll just do, rather than having a conversation about it and listening to you the way a respectful partner would. Given everything you've described in his behavior, I really think this isn't the relationship for you; you deserve to have a partner who treats you as a sexual equal and listens to you, and respects the pacing that you need around sex. How does that sound to you?

[Wanjiee]

Oh wow.... I really love the guy so this is going to be hard for me... I will have a conversation with him, if he doesn't listen then I'll end things... Thank you

[Sam W]

You're very welcome. If you need help figuring out how to have the conversation, or to talk through how it went and how you feel about it, we're more than happy to discuss those things with you.