I think I might be asexual but I do like to masturbate - I’m confused

[Naive]

To be completely transparent I have ocd and get a lot of disturbing sexual intrusive thoughts. This has definitely affected how I feel about sex, it’s very triggering for me and has caused me a lot of problems in my life so far.

I find the concept of sex gross. The idea of bodily fluids coming in contact is enough to almost send me into a panic attack. I know part of this is also my ocd but I don’t know where that ends and my real thoughts and feelings begin.

I do feel sexual attraction and desire but again it gets mixed up with my bad thoughts and it’s very hard to sort through.

I enjoy the feeling of masturbation but usually end up feeling guilty and disgusting after.

I also find the clean up very overwhelming. Multiple times I haven’t been able to even enter my room after because it feels contaminated. I had to hide my clothes around the house and sleep in the living room.

I read a lot of explicit fanfiction and I really do enjoy it. Sex sounds appealing when I’m reading about it.

I’ve found I like 18+ fanart and animated porn much more than real people, it feels safer if that makes sense. And it’s easier to get turned on. But I have found a few real people videos I enjoy.

I really enjoy the feelings in my body and pretending I’m in the situation in the stories or videos but the idea of actually having sex generally makes me feel sick.

There are one or two celebrities that if they asked, I’d say yes immediately so I definitely do feel sexual attraction just not to people in my everyday life. They have to be exceptional if that makes sense. In looks or talent etc.

But I get so angry when people prioritise sex above other things because it shouldn’t be that important. I truly feel like sex is uncivilised and we have evolved beyond that. Every once in a while sure but people who need it multiple times a week seem addicted to me. And it disturbs me greatly.

I just don’t understand why having meaningful conversations with your partner isn’t enough. I don’t understand the emotional part and why people get so upset when they go without sex when you could just do it your self.

Like really the only time it makes sense to have sex is if you want a baby. Otherwise maybe once every few months? Like if you need sex to maintain the relationship, maybe the relationship wasn’t built on much to begin with?

The thought of actually having sex feels so dirty and wrong, like I’ll be impure. But I’m not religious so I don’t know where that feeling has come from.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if you can be asexual because of a condition like ocd. I don’t understand why when I’m really aroused, sex sounds nice but when I’m not aroused it’s repulsive.

Sorry for this mess of a message

[Latha]

Hi there, Naive- welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry that you're dealing with all these feelings, it seems like such a struggle. Don't worry, you don't need to apologize for your message. If we're ever confused, we'll just ask some clarifying questions.

It does seem like your feelings about sex are tied up with some negative beliefs and intrusive thoughts. Why does sex only sound nice when you're aroused? I think being really aroused can make people a bit singularly focused. When you're not aroused, the effects of those negative thoughts and beliefs probably become noticeable again. And about those feelings of impurity: while you may not personally be religious, religion has had a lot of influence on the societies that we live in. So I think it is understandable that you've picked up on some associations between having sex, and ideas of rightness and purity.

If I may ask, have you tried to challenge the thoughts that tell you that having sex is dirty and wrong? Do you have any strategies that you use to deal with other intrusive and obsessive thoughts? Have you tried to use them here?

You've mentioned that you feel uncomfortable with bodily fluids and the cleanup process. Do you think you would feel better if you tried using disposable gloves, putting a towel underneath you to contain any mess, or masturbating in the shower?

I think we should acknowledge that people who enjoy having sex and see it as an important part of their relationships probably have a different view of it than you do. For example, they may have fewer negative associations with sex, and they may see it as an opportunity for emotional connection and intimacy. As I understand it, when people talk about not having sex as a problem in their relationship, they are often talking about the loss of that intimacy.

Too, having sex multiple times a week isn't a sign of an addiction. As I understand it, an addiction is a habit that hurts someone's health and well-being, while being difficult to stop or manage. It may be hard to imagine, but having sex multiple times a week or more doesn't hurt people, and it can provide useful benefits, like relaxation and the connection mentioned earlier. We must understand that it isn't wrong for people to want sex or prioritize having it in their relationships.

I wonder if your anger may be coming from a place of fear. Do you worry that you can't have a relationship without being pushed to have more sex than you are comfortable with? That if someone can't have the sex they must want in a relationship with you, they'll just leave?

If that is the case, let me assure you: it is possible for you to find partners who are not interested in having sex with you that often or at all, who would not push you to do things that you're not comfortable with.