im frustrated with my sexuality

[wavesaround]

ok so im new so I honestly have zero clue if this is where i should put this, but im honestly just so frustrated
so i have been using the term bisexual for myself for a bit now, but i find i feel so off whenever i confront/try to explore the sexual part of my sexuality. like i can fantasize about things just fine for the most part, but when someone i know gets involved i feel weird for thinking abt it and even weirder when i realize i like it tbh. even then, in general i just feel weird when i realize i look at someone and feel turned on or whatever and let my mind wander. but also like after masturbating i just kinda feel gross and whenever thinking about anything sexual i feel this gross feeling in the back of my mind and idk what to do about it. i find myself wishing i had a partner to explore this stuff with but im so scared of any kind of intimacy and commitment due to several issues with previous relationships—of all kinds not just romantic ones—i dont know how i would feel if i were to actually like do anything, and im almost scared of this part of me. i thought i was aroace but after reflecting on my one previous relationship (which i identified as ace during) i came to the conclusion i was bi. even during that relationship I remember my ex kissing my neck and him telling me how red i was after, how i just couldn’t help but stare at the ceiling, how surprised i was when i seemed to get turned on and where my brain wandered—and even now i think i had a crush I remember freaking out when i ended up having sexual thoughts about her, despite how vague they were, and also how i kinda liked it. i just dont know what to do. i dont know if this is just internalized stuff or what and im just so,,,bleugh yk? i just really need some advice
again sorry if this isnt the right place for this but I appreciate anyone who reads this

[Willa]

Hi Wavesaround! Welcome to the boards.

It seems like you are experiences some levels of discomfort or anxiety surrounding your sexuality- would you say that seems accurate to you? Many aspects of sexuality, whether that is queerness or masturbation, have been deemed dirty or wrong by society so it is quite common that we internalize some of this messaging and it results in feelings of shame. Would you be comfortable expanding on these "weird" feelings you are describing? Understanding the root of these feelings as well as what beliefs are causing them, can help us work through some of these unpleasant reactions.

It seems like one aspect is the involvement of people you know in real life. Fantasies about people in our lives are very normal expressions of our sexuality as well as an opportunity to understand more about ourselves and what we are attracted to. I wonder if you would also feel comfortable expanding on your past relationships and the issues that resulted in your fears of intimacy and commitment, to give more context to what you are experiencing.

One resource you could take a look at is https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexu ... omfortable. This article highlights the normality of the "weirdness" feeling, as so many people often experience hesitancy when exploring new aspects of themselves.

[wavesaround]

thanks so much for the reply! I’ll definitely read that link you sent.
for the weird feeling—its kind of this mild discomfort/disgust in the back of my mind. its kinda the same feeling you get when you touch something gross. you can wash your hands ofc, but you’ll still probably gonna think about it and mentally cringe when you remember how gross it was. sometimes it’s manageable and i could forget abt it very easily, but other times it consumes me and i don’t know what to do.
As for the relationship and fear of commitment and intimacy—basically just ended up having a shitty bf as my first one. he said very hurtful things that completely changed my perspective on how everyone viewed me and what they wanted from me to the point i was practically convinced everyone i knew either hated me, had ulterior motives, or both. additionally throughout the relationship i didn't feel supported by him and he ended it by yelling at me for essentially just being too much and doing too little for him. plus, i’ve had several friends i’ve had to cut off bc they ended up really hurting me somehow. i’m so scared to ever date again though, and my current crush is actually terrifying me to the point i almost want to not even try actually going after her. im scared im either going to mess it up bc ive been gaslit so much to the point i dont even feel confident calling that—or she’s going to hurt me. this fear has leaked into essentially every relationship i have and its just something that i cant seem to quite shake. im just so scared of trusting people, whether with my heart or my body.

[Sam W]

Hi wavesaround,

Thank you for those added details!

Can you give me a sense of what kind of messages, if any, you got about sex growing up? I ask because sometimes when people are having disgust/guilt around sexual feelings or masturbation, it can be due in part to having gotten some messages early on about sex being shameful/gross/etc.

Too, you mention that some of the "weird" feeling seems to be tied to you having sexual thoughts or fantasies about people you know, and realizing that you enjoy those fantasies. Do you feel like some of that weirdness is tied to the fact that these are people you know? Like somehow it's bad to fantasize about them or that they'll somehow find out that you've had those thoughts?

I'm sorry that your boyfriend was so awful towards you; it does sound like some of what you're struggling with is that you've had you trust damaged, which can for sure make it much harder to open ourselves up to new relationships, romantic or otherwise. Have you done any work, whether that's more formal like with a therapist or less formal like reading on your own, about how to rebuild your ability to trust in relationships? And is that something you'd like to talk about more here?

[wavesaround]

I have really tried to work on it and be more communicative with my current friends, they have honestly been amazing and i love em. ill get there one day, but for now ill just have to deal
honestly there wasn’t really anything relating to like messages i got about sex? the only thing i could think of was when i was younger i kinda used to grind on things without knowing like the full context of it and my parents would tell me to stop but that was it really.
and to answer the question about whether or not i feel weird bc its someone i know—definitely. i feel like a perv whose pushing boundaries when they literally can’t know what im thinking anyway

[Sam W]

Got it. So, I suspect those feelings about pushing boundaries with your fantasies are playing a big role in why you end up feeling weird. I feel like I've seen a trend in recent years where people are getting messages from somewhere (even if it's not messaging they intentionally consume or even actively notice) that frames fantasizing about someone as violating their consent or their boundaries.

As it sounds like you already kind of know, what we think about people in our minds isn't something they can know unless we tell them. Too, it's also something that can only effect them if those fantasies influence our behavior in some way. The fantasy itself can't do anything to them, good or bad. I actually really like how Mo, a former volunteer, talked about that in this advice column: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... t_my_crush