stressed about having feelings for a friend

[rodya]

I’m not even sure that a crush would be the right word to use but I’m very attached to one of my friends. I really love and admire him but I’m completely satisfied being friends. To be honest. I’m really confused about my feelings, I’ve always only really been interested in girls and even now I consider him more of an exception. I’m not attracted to him but whether or not I talk to him can literally define whether I have a good day sometimes. I also think about him way too much and it feels kind of ridiculous, I know he cares about me and enjoys being around me but he definitely doesn’t feel as strongly about me as I do about him. The reason I’m concerned is because I can also get very envious of him. He’s just so interesting and has so much of what I want. I know that it’s unfair to both of us for me to idolize him so much but I don’t know how to stop! There are a lot of things that I dislike about him but I’m worried that my brain is latching on to anything I don’t see as perfect to make me feel better. He’s also not very social(neither am I) but I get really upset when I feel like he’s not paying attention to me. Mutual friends have complained to me and each other about finding him rude so I know that it isn’t just me but because I like being around him so much, I worry that I can’t tell when he’s genuinely being rude and when it’s just me wanting more of him. I know I should talk to him but I don’t know how. One time I was so sure that it was him being rude and I told him I needed to talk to him about something. However, when we met up, he smiled at me and I couldn’t do it. I’d say that I forgave him immediately but I think I’m still a bit resentful deep down.
I’ve always been awful at having crushes. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship and it’s very rare that I have feelings for someone. But even then it felt less complicated because I know what I wanted from those people, I really don’t want to go out with this friend so I’m not sure what to do with these feelings. I’ve also never really had close friends like I do now so I think it might have to do with me not knowing how to manage that. I have strong feelings about a lot of these friends but even then none are like with this one guy.
I’m sorry for rambling so much, I couldn’t think of way to be more concise and specific but this has been causing me so much stress.

[Heather]

Hey there, rodya. Welcome to the boards.

Before I say more, can you give me an idea of how long this has been feeling difficult for you? Days, weeks, months, years...?

[rodya]

Hi,

Thank you for responding! It’s been bothering me for almost a year now haha. It’s just in the past few months that I’ve been trying to put it into words.

[Heather]

Oh goodness, that's such a long time to be carrying this much stress!

I do think that given the time that has passed, and the fact that you do actually know this person well, as well as the rest of what you have shared this sounds a lot bigger than a crush to me. This sounds like you simply have a great deal of attachment to, and a fixation on, this person, and to a degree -- and in a way that sounds somewhat one-way -- that isn't good for you. It might even be that this isn't a healthy relationship, and that in and of itself could be why your attachment feels so intense.

When you talk about things like envy and resentment, as well as feeling like you care far more about what they think of you, or about them, period, than they do you, these are things that signal to me that this isn't actually something that's likely healthy for either of you. It sounds to me like in some ways, what's happened is that some of your attachment is based on a kind of continual waiting for them to return your attention, a return that some part of you probably knows by now isn't coming, but something about that want and wait is the sticky part. Can you follow that?

Can you tell me about what GOOD things you think this friendship offers you? What does this relationship currently bring you that actually feels beneficial, like your life is the better for it?

[rodya]

Well, we have a lot of similar interests and I don’t really know anyone else who has them. He makes me laugh a lot and after talking to him, I usually feel very motivated to do things because he takes like hobbies seriously. He’s really smart so conversations feel more stimulating with him I guess?
I also generally have a lot of nice memories of hanging out and stuff. I also have the feeling that if I needed something, I could rely on him though I don’t know for sure because I’ve never asked him for anything.

[Heather]

What if you start asking him for something now, like a talk about your friendship?

Honestly, I'm not seeing a whole lot of good here, certainly not enough to balance out the bad, but it also seems like there are some unknowns. How about talking to him about how you have been feeling, including some of the conflict in your relationship, and asking him things like if he's up for being someone you could depend on for things like emotional support?

[rodya]

Thank you so much for the advice.
I remembered some specific things though if you don’t mind telling me what you think.
Like, over the summer he was visiting colleges that I was also interested in(I couldn’t go) and he sent me like super detailed reviews and pictures of all of them, which was really nice. He also buys me small things sometimes, though I tend to insist on paying him back which I worry may come off as rude but it stresses me out to think that I owe him or something. He offered to knot me something because he said he found yarn that “resembled my personality” which was very sweet but he never actually did it. I think maybe I was supposed to act more excited about it?
I also wanted to mention that there are times when we’re super close and together all the time and text each other every day but then it’s like form one day to the next he acts very cold and distant for weeks.
And then it’s back to what it was like before. Which really confuses me.

[Willa]

Hi Rodya, Thanks for the added context.

I agree with Heather's assessment that this relationship may be causing more stress or anxiety than positive influence to your life. It must be very tiring to have to be so vigilant in your responses to him to feel like you deserve kindness or just normal aspects of friendship! It can feel amazing when someone who is usually withholding offers closeness randomly, but it is usually a sign it is not a healthy or sustainable relationship for us or them.
Would you be up to Heather's suggestion to open up communication with this person about his actions and whether he can offer you clarity or emotional support?

[rodya]

Yeah, I think I knew that I should talk to him, but it makes me nervous. Thank you for the advice, I’m going to try it.

[Willa]

Hi Rodya,

Of course, let us know if you would like to talk about or prepare for the conversation of if you need help with anything else!