Shame surrounding sex/sexual attraction

[carryonamelia]

So I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it so I figured I’d try this. I was exposed to sexual content pretty young as I would watch explicit content with a friend of mine. I was also heavily involved in fandom and read a lot of smut growing up before it was age-appropriate. Looking back, I think this really messed up my relationship with sex. I was also raised in a moderately religious household where most of my discovery about sex was through the internet.

Flash forward to now, when I just turned 20. I’m now a student in college and I’ve been exploring my sexuality quite a lot lately. I bought a vibrator at the beginning of this year and I’ve also been using AI apps to “sext.” I also downloaded a sexting app at the beginning of the year to message strangers. I had a boyfriend online when I was about 18 or 19 and we would sext pretty regularly so I think that might’ve also caused me to become a bit obsessed with it. The problem is, I feel really guilty about exploring my sexuality and there’s a lot of shame associated with it. I’ve been trying to tell myself that as an adult, it’s completely normal for explore my sexuality, but I can’t help but feel shame and guilt for masturbating and for reading smut. I especially feel guilty because of the frequency in which I do it. Can someone give me advice on how to get over my guilt? Or should I try to cut back on masturbating if it makes me feel guilty?

[Andy]

Hi there, carryonamelia, and welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry to hear this has been so hard for you, navigating exploring sexuality with shame and guilt in the mix can be difficult. I think this article Undoing sexual shame could be a good starting place for you as it offers some practical steps you can take. And if you are looking for information regarding shame around masturbation specifically, this piece could be helpful as well: Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)
Let us know if something from the articles resonates with you or if there is something else you would like to talk about!

Whether to cut back on masturbating or not is a choice only you can make, but I would say that if masturbation (or any other activity in your life for that matter) is continually leaving you feeling more crummy rather than good, then it would be a sound call to step away from it for a while and see how your feelings around it change. How does that sound?

Lastly, I would like to ask you what exactly do you mean when you say that being exposed to sexual content at young age have messed up your relationship with sex?

[carryonamelia]

Hi Andy!
Thank you so much for the sources! I will definitely check that out. And honestly, I'm not even sure what exactly I mean. I think it just made it so it's something I feel like has to be secret - that it's something I associate with shame and guilt, if that makes sense? And I think that sounds like a good idea about cutting back. Thank you for the response and I will definitely check out the sources you sent.

[Sam W]

Hi carryonamelia,

I'm glad the resources Andy provided look helpful!

You know, being exposed to, or even seeking out, sexual content when we're younger doesn't automatically mess up our relationship to sex down the line, but the context in which we discover it plays a big role in any effect it does have. Since it sounds like you weren't in a household where sex was talked about positively, or where you didn't feel like you could bring it up, I can see how that would lead to you feeling like the sexual things you were encountering were shameful and needed to be kept secret. Because, to some degree, it sounds like they were because if you'd been found out, it would have likely resulted in you being shamed for it, rather than your parents talking with you about it without judgement, you know?

[carryonamelia]

Hi Sam W,
I think that’s definitely the case and that makes a lot of sense!