I have trouble to masturbate

[flowerviolet001]

im an 18 year old and I have never masturbated in my life. I have never really tried since I never really saw a point in it. After I started dating my boyfriend a year ago I obviously started wanting to masturbate to pleasure myself as I am turned on by him. we are doing long distance as well and it's really my only way of getting pleasure while he's not here. the problem is that I still can't find my clitoris. no matter how many little drawings I look at or how many articles I read about it or even when i asked my gynaecologist for help and she confirmed I had one, I still can't find nor feel it. since then I have been stressing out about masturbation and just sex in general. I have no problems to get wet and I can put a finger in but I don't feel anything more than a slight burn after I take it out. when my boyfriend did it I just felt like I wanted to pee and stopped him to actually go pee but it didn't hurt or burn. I also have endometriosis and take some pills that also work as a birth control and never get my period (if that information can help). I am so scared that I can't feel anything at all and this whole thing is seriously making me feel awful. anytime I try to masturbate I just have a mental breakdown right after because I can't feel anything and I feel like something wrong with me. if anyone could help that would be amazing.

[Sam W]

Hi flowerviolet001,

It sounds like this is really stressing you out! I want to start by saying that you're far from the first person to find that masturbation isn't going how you expected or hoped, and that such an experience isn't anything to be ashamed of.

To start with, can you tell me a little more about how you're generally feeling when you try to masturbate? Are you already pretty aroused by something, or able to stay engaged with a fantasy or piece of sexual media? Do you feel relaxed and not rushed? Or do you usually find yourself feeling bored, anxious, distracted, or something like that?

[flowerviolet001]

thank you for such a quick reply! so when I try to masturbate it's usually because I am really turned on. I don't try often because im not turned on 24/7 or at least not enough to want to try to masturbate. sometimes I don't try because I already know it's going to be a fail and that I will end up crying about it. usually I don't watch anything and am too focused and stressed out on trying to feel something to even think of a fantasy. last time I tried masturbating was today, I was on a video call with my boyfriend and he was masturbating as well. I was very turned on since the whole last week we had been sexual with each other a LOT. During that whole week I didn't try to masturbate as it's something that I don't even think about doing anymore, I kinda just gave up on it. but today I was feeling it and wanted to try as it can get frustrating to not get pleasure. I felt really good about it at first but then when I couldn't feel anything on my clitoris once again, I started feeling anxious. it got to the point where I wasn't even paying attention to my boyfriend masturbating and was just trying to feel something.

[Heather]

So, for starters, it sounds to me like doing this with your boyfriend is only creating stress for you right now. I'd suggest you opt out of masturbation together for the time being, and share with him that you're having some issues with it that make it stressful for you instead of pleasurable so he knows not to bring it to the table.

It also sounds to me like it might be a good idea to take a break from trying with genital masturbation period, for right now. If you are coming to it bringing stress and frustration with you, then your body isn't likely to be able to respond, so no matter how you touch yourself, it probably isn't going to feel good or like much.

How about you go back to basics. Start by trying to find ways you experience pleasure that isn't genital and that might not even be sexual, like ways you move your body that feel good, music you love, foods that stir your senses, smells that feel exciting or delightful, et cetera. Sexual pleasure, and genital pleasure, are only two (very broad) ways of feeling pleasure, not the only way, and often we aren't going to be able to experience pleasure those ways if in our bigger picture, we are stressed and scared. Do you get what I mean?

[flowerviolet001]

thank you for your reply! thing is I felt really good about doing it at first and I started it with no pressure. my boyfriend and I already had several talks about this and he reassures me and helps me the best he can so that's great! I totally understand what you mean and in general in life I feel depressed quite a lot and don't really enjoy things or do enjoyable stuff very often. I don't know if because I feel depressed so often it can affect my sexual health even when im not feeling sad? Im a very stressed person in general, like if my stomach hurts im going to start thinking the worst and looking up stuff that'll make it worst for me mentally to the point where im really panicking and I feel like part of my stress towards masturbation and sex is thinking that something is wrong with my body and not functioning right.

[Sam W]

I'm glad Heather's reply made sense!

Our mental and emotional state can, and often does, influence our experience of masturbation. Some of that can be related to symptoms of a particular mental health issue. For example, depression can include something called anhedonia, which is basically when nothing feels pleasurable to you, even things that have previously been enjoyable or pleasurable. If you're feeling depressed often, and you haven't already done so, I would see if you can talk with a mental healthcare provider to see if there are steps you can take to manage how depression effects your life. Does that feel like something you can do?

But even when we're not stressed or depressed in the moment, if those feelings are a big part of our emotional background, then they can still lead to masturbation or sex not feeling pleasurable. Too, as you're learning, stress and masturbation can form this unpleasant loop where you don't feel much because of stress, so the next time you try to masturbate you're stressed that you might not feel anything, which then makes it more likely you won't feel pleasure from it.

[flowerviolet001]

I have tried seeing a mental healthcare provider before but always stopped after a few sessions because I was feeling better and thought I was probably exaggerating and still do. My family has put the idea in my head that people have it worst and since I have a roof and food on my table, I have no reason to be depressed, but the feeling is still there. I will work on my stress and take things slow. But also, can lack of pleasure while masturbating be a health problem in some cases? like my clitoris isn't working right or something?

[Heather]

It might help to understand that the clitoris, or any other body part with a lot of sensory nerve endings, isn't where feelings of pleasure start or how we experience them: that's our brain and central nervous system. Body parts like the clitoris are essentially just conduits.

So, by all means, if you are dealing with depression, that will almost always dampen the ability to experience all kinds of pleasure, very much including sexual pleasure. Depression can make it so that even if and when we do try and engage those body parts, it can feel like we just don't feel anything.

It sounds like your family isn't very educated about depression, which can be situational -- like if someone is, in fact, living in struggle all the time -- chemical -- or both. And if and when the chemicals in our bodies and brains aren't operating in the ways they need to for us to NOT feel depressed, we can have all our basic needs met but still have depression. When you saw mental health providers in the past, was it for depression? If so, what did they suggest? Did anyone suggest you try any medications for depression paired with the talk therapy, for instance?

[flowerviolet001]

thank you for your reply! it is helping me understand better what might be happening. when i saw a mental health provider it was because i was feeling extremely down and having some dark thoughts. Unfortunately, i didn’t continue my therapy sessions because i had many exams at that time and didn’t have any time to do other stuff than studying. and they did not suggest any medication.

[Heather]

Might you be able to seek out a new mental healthcare provider, with the aim of addressing your depression, and the understanding that that will require more than just a couple appointments?

[flowerviolet001]

yes i think i could! for now i’m still financially dependent on my family so ill have to talk to them about it first. but im very motivated to start a “healing” process! do you think i should try and get an appointment with a sexologist as well?

[Heather]

So, a sexologist is someone who studies human sexuality. Maybe you mean a sex therapist?

If so, I don’t see anything so far they seem likely to be able to help you with, particularly if depression is at the root of your limited ability to experience pleasure and that depression isn’t yet treated. They will likely just tell you what we have here at this stage. They also are often expensive, and I don’t know what your ability to pay for that is.

However, if you do simply want to consult with one and have the ability to, it certainly wouldn’t hurt you to have more than one kind of therapist to work with.

[flowerviolet001]

yes sorry i thought it was the same as french haha! i will inform myself on the cost and i will decide depending on that! i wouldn’t mind talk to multiple people and get their help as i feel like it would reassure me even more! also i have a question. because sometimes when i have a wet dream and wake up i close my legs together really hard and i can feel something and its really good and i even get pleasure from it before falling back asleep. that’s why i think its so weird that when i try to masturbate i just don’t seem to be able to. is that normal? i saw in one of the articles here that closing legs together is a way of getting pleasure and that seems to work for me after some dreams.

[Willa]

Hi Flowerviolet001,

There is no one "normal" or right way to masturbate, masturbation is all about doing what feels good physically and mentally. As you saw, that is not an incredibly uncommon way of masturbation. If this feels good this could be something to consider once you are able to first work with a professional to better understand the stress and anxiety surrounding masturbation you're currently experiencing.

[flowerviolet001]

yeah but thing is it only lasts a few seconds when i wake up and then i fall back asleep and don’t feel it again until i have another wet dream another day and i wake up again and do it again. and it’s always this same cycle. maybe it’s because instead of focusing on the stress just like when im awake, when i have a wet dream im focusing on the fantasy?

[Heather]

So, maybe we are having another language issue, but a wet dream is a very specific thing that only happens to people with penises. It’s an involuntary ejaculation of semen very specifically from the testes and penis.

[flowerviolet001]

i didn’t know that thank you! i meant a sexual dream then

[Heather]

Gotcha.

For sure, I would say erotic dreams often are a place where people feel more relaxed and freer sexually than in waking hours, or when sexuality is more tethered to real-life experiences and relationships. This might also be a helpful clue for you: perhaps masturbation that you connect more to fantasy than reality might feel better for you for the time being?