Masturbation

[Shamed]

Hi there! I have some questions about masturbation, if that's okay. I masturbate often, and it feels really good. But ever since my mom caught me masturbating when I was 10 or 11 (she really shamed me for it and told me I was offending God), I have struggled with feelings of guilt about it. For years, I promised God I would never do it again, only to fail over and over. Each time it felt so good and right and fun while I was doing it, but then I would finish cumming, and the overwhelming feelings of guilt would return. More recently though I've made a conscious decision to no longer believe that masturbation is a sin. It certainly doesn't feel like a sin while I'm doing it. It feels wonderful and amazing. And my penis certainly doesn't think it's a sin. If it had it's way, I'd be masturbating even more. I also really like to watch loving scenes of lesbian sex while masturbating (also something I was told was a sin), and that doesn't feel like a sin anymore to me either. In fact, I think it's very beautiful. Watching two women make love makes me feel so good and happy, like warm fuzzies running through me as I stroke my penis and love my body, and it just feels incredible. I've read a few of the articles about masturbation on this site, and that too has really helped me to let go of a lot of the guilt I used to feel either during or after masturbation. Occasionally those nagging feelings of guilt still creep in though, sometimes at the worst possible moments. Sometimes my penis will lose its erection because I'm distracted by those thoughts, or I'll be thinking about them either right before or right after I start squirting my semen. And that makes it hard to just relax and bask in the joy I am otherwise feeling. I'm thinking I may just need someone to personally reassure me that everything I'm doing is good and that I should keep doing it and do it to my heart's content with absolutely no guilt whatsoever. No one's ever actually told me that before, and I feel like I need permission to just truly let go and enjoy myself. I have some other questions about masturbation and my penis too but this is already very long. Can you help me? Sorry to make you read so much! And thank you!!!

[Nadine E.]

Hi there FullOfQuestions,

Firstly, welcome to the boards! It's definitely okay to reach out with any questions you have - we are happy to answer them!

I'm sorry that you've struggled with guilt around masturbation over the years, and that you were shamed for exploring your body. It's completely understandable that those thoughts can sometimes impact your experience while masturbating and make it harder to enjoy yourself.

But I'm really glad you've been working through your guilt and that you've found the resources on this site helpful! Let me reassure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating, and the choice to masturbate is only yours and yours alone. It's a great way to explore your body, sexuality, and to discover what gives you pleasure. It can be a way to relax, and let go of stress as well. As long as you're enjoying it and it feels good and you want to do it, then go all out!

You mentioned you had some other questions about masturbation and your penis, so feel free to reach out to us any time with those! In case you haven't already checked these out, these are some helpful resources on masturbation and penises more generally:

• Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)

• Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

• Innies & Outies: The Penis, Testes and More

[Shamed]

Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly and for your kind and encouraging words. I really needed that, and it definitely helps. I'm going to remind myself of what you just said any time those guilty feelings start to creep into my head while I'm masturbating. With any luck, they'll soon stop coming back entirely! I was also wondering if you could tell me why my semen sometimes squirts out really far when I masturbate and other times doesn't squirt far at all. That's probably a silly question, and I know it doesn't really matter because it feels just as good either way, but I have been curious about this. Also, I've more recently gotten into the habit of whispering loving words of affirmation to my penis while I'm masturbating, as if my penis is apart of me but is also it's own person and we are making love to one another. I guess I started doing this to drive out those guilty feelings I use to have so often and to replace them with something positive. For example, I tell my penis that I love it, that it's beautiful, that it deserves pleasure, that I want to make it feel better than it's ever felt before, that I promise to never make us feel guilty about what we're doing together again, and that I want us to buck (that's what I've called my orgasm since I was young, and I guess it just stuck. Is that weird?) and cum and squirt our semen together to our heart's content. Even after rereading the articles you shared with me (thank you!), I've never heard of anyone else doing this. Should I feel okay about it? Is it "normal"? It does help, and my penis loves it and it makes me feel really good, but sometimes I feel it's a little weird. I am a little self conscious about it. And finally for now (told you I was full of questions!), I mentioned in my first post that I really love watching two women make love when I masturbate. For a while I tried watching heterosexual scenes because I thought lesbian sex was a sin, but these just didn't do it for me. Lesbian sex is what I really love. I mean I really really love it so very very much. It makes me feel sooo good, and it helps to make my bucking and squirting so incredibly intense. And, as I mentioned, I don't think it's a sin anymore. So I should just let myself enjoy this too, right? Thank you so much!!

[Andy]

Hi there FullOfQuestions,

I’m glad that that Nadine’s answer was helpful! It sounds like you are already doing really well at working through the guilt, which is great.

As for the distance of ejaculation, just like with the rest of our bodies, there will always be some variation. Our bodies are incredibly complex and often we won’t even know all the reasons for the changes. Some things that come to my mind that could play a role in how far you ejaculate could be the amount of semen, time from your last ejaculation or the strength of your pelvic muscles.

Regarding the affirmations during masturbation, I can’t say you if that’s normal or not. The concept of some things being “normal” is just not a useful one when it comes to sexuality because it implies that some things are better than others, which doesn’t make sense because everyone experience sexuality differently (and because there are around 8 billions of people out there, each with individual experiences and preferences, odds are that even things that seem less usual at first are pretty common overall). So, what can serve as much better test when deciding what activities, we should or shouldn’t do (this applies only to individual activities, when it comes to partnered sex there are more things to keep it mind) is asking ourselves a few simple questions “Do I feel good and excited about the activity?”, “Is it hurting someone else?” and "Are there any risks to it?". And as you shared, you enjoy doing it and it’s just you, so nobody else is affected by that. So this should give you an answer to both your questions whether you should feel okay about this or not. Does that make sense?

[Shamed]

I think it does. It sounds like you're saying that both watching and enjoying lesbian sex while I masturbate and whispering words of affirmation to my penis while masturbating are things I should let myself feel good about because I enjoy them and because masturbation is only about me, my penis, and the rest of my body...even if I should happen to be the only person who talks to their genitals when they masturbate. Honestly, that makes me feel happy and a little odd at the same time. But thank you so much for taking the time to write me back.

[Shamed]

I wanted to add that I'm sorry if it seems like I need reassurance about everything I do while I'm masturbating. (Is this okay? Is this okay? Is this okay?) Even though I'm feeling much better about masturbating in general these days, I believed it was a sin and felt shame about it for so long that sometimes that little negative voice in my mind will say things like, "Yes, masturbation is okay, but maybe you shouldn't be enjoying this or that or touching yourself this way or that way when you're masturbating or watching lesbian sex or talking to your penis or calling your orgasms bucking while you masturbate." For example, I used to not want to get semen on myself while I was squirting because it would make me feel dirty. I don't feel that way anymore (in fact, I think the warmth and goeyness feels quite good), but that little voice in my head (I used to think it was God's voice, but now I think maybe it's the devil's) will sometimes want to make me doubt whether enjoying that is a good thing. I'm also just genuinely curious about my sexuality and feel like this a safe space for asking questions and really exploring it for the first time. It's a big step for me. So I think I may just need to occasionally seek out some reassurance that the things I like to do while masturbating that give me so much pleasure in the moment are not just okay, but right and good. I've never had anyone do that for me before, and it really helps. Hopefully, I won't be able to question anything I enjoy doing with my body and my penis during masturbation. Nadine's reassurance yesterday, especially, was really helpful. I just want to love my body and let myself feel good! I hope it's okay that I'm asking so many questions and just need some kind and specific reassurance from time to time.

[Heather]

Hey, FullofQuestions.

before anything else, I just want to drop a gentle reminder that girl-girl porn, a thing made for entertainment and profit (and also mostly for cishet men), and lesbians -- real, whole people -- and lesbian sex -- sex lesbians are having between each other, not for someone else's entertainment -- are not the same things. I say that because someone lesbian reading some of this could pretty easily feel depersonalized or objectified in ways that just really don't feel good. So, since you're in a community space, not a private one, and a community space where there are people in that group, try and keep that in mind when you are talking here, okay?

I'm not sure anyone here can tell you or anyone else that what they like sexually is universally or unilaterally "right" or "good." We can talk, like Latha brought up, about what is and isn't harmful to you and other people, and certainly we can talk about things like consent and respect and what does or doesn't feel right for YOU, the person at hand.

I can say that it's likely the voice you are hearing in your head around shame is most likely your own -- not a god's or a devil's or any other otherworldly thing -- and one informed mostly by the overall cultural shame around sex and sexuality, including anything you were brought up with and currently live with. Generally, unlearning that is going to be something most effectively done by your own self-affirmations, and then by filtering anything around you as best you can that carries those messages of shame. Make sense?

[Shamed]

That makes sense. And I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for anything I said to seem depersonalizing or objectifying. I have great respect for all women (and all people) and would never intend to insinuate otherwise. I guess it's probably true that no girl-girl porn can truly capture a real loving, intimate relationship between two women, but I like to think I only watch scenes that are intended to approximate that. (But it's hard to know since I am not a woman and have never seen or experienced lesbian sex in real life.) But I definitely believe that whatever sex looks like for two real lesbians, and whatever two lesbians do together to give and feel pleasure, is wonderful and beautiful and something to be celebrated. While I am personally aroused by watching scenes of cis women making love (women born with vulvas--Sorry, I had to look that up to know what cis meant), I didn't mean to exclude or be inconsiderate of anyone else who identifies as female. I'm only trying to feel good about myself and what I personally enjoy doing while masturbating and to allow myself to explore new sexual activities and sensations that feel good to me and are not harmful or disrespectful to anyone else. (I'm not having sex yet, so masturbating is the only form of sex I engage in.) I hope this hasn't alienated you or any other staff members or guests and that it's okay for me to still ask any questions I might have along my sexual journey. I will never intentionally be disrespectful. I've come a long way on the guilt thing, but I'll keep working on it and appreciate your responses. They have been helpful and given me some things to think about. Please accept my apology!

[Heather]

It's all good!

[Shamed]

Thank you! I got thinking some more about our whole conversation, and I think I might be having a breakthrough. I was wanting someone (someone who wouldn't be judgemental and would be sex positive) to tell me that the things that I like to do and that give me pleasure while masturbating are right and good, but I think you were trying to tell me that what is right and good during masturbation is what is right and good for me. It's not about what's normal, per say, but what feels normal and natural to me and my body. It's ok to be curious about what others do, but not to feel that I need to masturbate or feel pleasure the same way. Is all of that correct? If so, then what I guess I should be asking instead is: If I want to do something while I'm masturbating, and it gives me pleasure, and it's fun, and it's safe, and it makes my orgasms more intense, and it doesn't hurt anyone, then can I feel good about doing it anytime I want in the privacy of my bedroom? So, if watching lesbian erotica while I masturbate, telling my penis how much I love it and how amazing it is, using the word "buck" instead of "orgasm" when I'm praising and encouraging my penis because that's what feels good in the moment and that's honestly what it feels like my penis is doing when I cum, and enjoying how warm and gooey my semen feels on my skin when I'm squirting (or even delighting in how incredibly good it feels to be squirting!) all pass this test, and surely they do, then can I feel completely good about doing them to my heart's content? To go all out, as Nadine said? I'm guessing this is the kind of validation I should have been wanting from you all along, right? If that really is the case, then it's actually very liberating and might actually put an end to those nagging feelings of guilt altogether. How nice that would be! Since it's Valentine's Day and I'm on my own tonight, I think I'll go give it a try right now! Wish me luck, haha! And please let me know your thoughts. Thank you so much! And Happy Valentine's Day!