Forgive my rapist?

[ocelot741]

A year and a half ago I was on a 2-week camping trip with one of my best friends. We had separate tents. We’d already discussed that we were taking this trip as platonic friends.

Midway through the trip we were hanging out in his tent and he asked if I wanted to have one-off sex with him. I said no, and we had a long discussion about feelings. I admitted I find him attractive, but I can compartmentalize that and view him as a platonic friend. He’s a good-looking guy, but off-limits is off-limits, same as any other good-looking guy in a monogamous relationship with someone else (as he is).

After the convo I went to my tent feeling good about what we’d discussed. A little later, he had an idea and said I should come to his tent to hear it. I don’t know why I went to his tent to hear the idea. I wish I hadn’t.

His idea was to masturbate together, since we were both feeling horny after the last conversation. He felt like this was not cheating on his partner. I thought this was a stupid idea but for some reason agreed. I asked if he’d be able to keep his hands to himself if we did this and he said yes. Then he asked if I would take off my shirt for it. Again I don’t know why, but I did.

Needless to say, he did not keep his hands nor his penis to himself. It was very quick, and he was immediately very upset with himself and left the tent to try to scrub himself off. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but something like “Why did I do that??”

I never said no, but I never said yes. Later when we talked about this, he said I said “Do what you need to do.” I don’t remember saying this, but it does feel in line with who I am; I believe I might have said this to prevent the situation from being non-consensual.

Afterward, he paid for a morning after pill. We continued our trip and had a few conversations about what had happened. We both regretted this deeply. At the end of the trip I was supposed to stay at his place, and instead he paid for me to stay at an AirBnB, which we both agreed was best. We met up again to talk about what had happened and if/how we could remain friends. We decided not to talk for the remainder of the summer and check in again in a few months (we live in different countries, so this was easy).

He checked in on me a few times and I said I needed more time, which he respected. I tried to find a therapist unsuccessfully. When we did check in, it was on my time. We had a video call eight months later. We wanted to remain friends but I was struggling to figure out how. He still hadn’t told his partner and wasn’t planning to, since she was going through a tough time and he felt like the extra burden would send her deeper into a depression she was already experiencing.

After the call I felt like I still needed more time. I found a therapist the following summer but didn’t feel ready to specifically talk about this, so we just talked about general self-help techniques.

Now, a year and a half afterward, he reached out again. He expressed how genuinely sorry he is that this happened and how he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he is willing to talk about it again, but also will respect my decision if I need more space and would prefer to distance further.

I feel really conflicted. By definition he raped me. He still hasn’t told his partner. I still haven’t talked to a therapist about it. I miss him. He was one of my best friends and I want to talk to him about it again to process. On the other hand, I need to keep him distant. It feels like our friendship would be a lie if his partner doesn’t know what happened, and I can’t deal with that.

So…can I forgive my rapist? Is a friendship possible, or a good idea? I’ve spent so much time looking for similar stories online and haven’t found any. His messages to me this week felt genuine, but they put me in a really hard mental space. I cried a lot. Ultimately, I told him I appreciate that he checked on me but I need more time. He has respected that and hasn’t sent another message since.

[Ellie]

Hi Ocelot741,

Welcome to the boards.

Firstly, I am so sorry that he did that to you. I'm glad you've been seeking therapy to process it, and I hope you continue on that path. I want to reaffirm this for you, based on what you've written: you did not consent and he knew that. If you don't remember saying "do what you need to do," then you probably didn't. Regardless, permission is not enthusiastic consent. He created immense pressure on you and he did it intentionally. Beyond that, he ignored your initial conversation about taking the trip as platonic friends and asked if you would have sex with him. He ignored your "no" and still manipulated you into coming into his tent for the sole purpose of assaulting you.

Rape is not a mistake that well-intentioned people make. It is an act of violence committed by predators.

I know how confusing and awful it feels to be taken advantage of by a close friend who had your trust. It's disappointing, and there is a lot to grieve. Please know that you do not owe this person anything at all, even if he was once a friend. It is absolutely 100% okay to keep your distance.

Here are some questions you could ask yourself:
- Does this person make me feel safe? Does this person have my best interests, and the interests of others at heart? (From what you've shared, my answer would be no).
- If not, is my safety worth compromising to remain friends? Is that a basis for a healthy friendship?
- What do I currently get out of this friendship (not previously)?
- Is it realistic that this will change?

I hope that puts some things into perspective for you. I am sincerely sorry that you were treated that way. Let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. You deserve friends who respect you, honor your boundaries, and fill your cup. <3