navigating sexual attraction when feeling ashamed

[staysoft]

so i've kind of been exploring my sexuality over the past couple of years and i've been in a really good place with it, having sexual attraction towards different people and then having sexual fantasies and getting off and it's all been good. it took me a while to get to a point where i could have that comfort with sexual fantasies/desire and now i'm very sex positive & positive about desire/masturbation in general, however up until now i've mainly experienced sexual desire towards people who i've been comfortable feeling that desire for, eg people i like and therefore am comfortable being attracted to.

however recently i've realised i'm sexually attracted to someone i don't like and feel incredibly uncomfortable about being attracted to, and i'm not really all that attracted to anyone else at the moment. i've been avoiding masturbating because i know that i would want to think about sexual fantasies concerning said person and it makes me really uncomfortable to think of myself getting off while thinking of them. i already feel weird about even experiencing that attraction let alone in masturbation.

i really want to stay sex positive and avoid feeling ashamed of my own desires and i want to start masturbating again, but i don't want to get off while thinking about this person and there really isn't anyhting else that's doing it for me right now, i don't know why. do you have any advice for how i could either feel more comfortable with doing this or decide to not masturbate without feeling like i'm giving in to shame?

[Latha]

Hi Staysoft, welcome to the boards!

You know, you don't have to be ashamed of being attracted to someone you don't like as a person. It happens, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. That said, I understand why you would want to avoid masturbating to fantasies involving this person. Avoiding these fantasies does not necessarily have to come from a place of shame. You could just be feeling a sense of ick from thinking of someone you don't like- that would not make you a sex-negative person.

I'm not sure that trying to become more comfortable with these fantasies or not masturbating at all are your only options. If I may ask, have you ever tried masturbating using fantasies that don't focus on a specific person, or masturbating with the help of some kind of sexual media?

[staysoft]

neither of those other options have ever really worked for me which is part of why it took me a while to get into masturbation - the best experiences with it i've had have always focused on a specific person, and it wasn't really until i started masturbating in that way that i had positive experiences with it.

[Willa]

Hi Staysoft,

Just to reiterate what Latha told you, there is nothing inherently wrong with fantasies that we have as well as we often have sexual fantasies that we have no interest in enacting in real life. Sometimes one of the pros of fantasies is that they are a way to explore different scenarios safely in our minds in ways that can teach us more about ourselves. Would you like to discuss more about why you do not like this person and why attraction to them makes you uncomfortable?

If sexual fantasies are exceptionally uncomfortable, it is very understandable to not want to engage with them. If you feel that engaging with thoughts about this person is intolerable, there is always the option to step away from masturbation until you feel ready to engage with new fantasies.