Will the hotness ever end?

[spottedowl]

So…I’m finally dating someone. He’s a guy from college and we’ve been going on dates regularly for 3 months. He is just the sweetest guy, always complimenting me. We’ve fought and always make up like adults in a mature way and talk about our problems. We’re both independent enough to make our own choices apart from our parents. I’m working on getting birth control so we can have sex in the coming months. Something tells me this guy is the one, I won’t leave him. I’ve worked on my trust issues, and am working on my independence issues. My parents don’t approve because of the way he dresses and say that he has the wrong career for them to be happy. Obviously I’m extremely happy so I honestly don’t care about their opinions.
So what’s the problem? He is just incredibly physically hot in general. I mean every time I so much as hold his hand, I feel my heart speed up. I had a doctor’s appointment he accompanied me too, and he messed up the baseline on the heart monitor!
It’s getting to the point where I’m genuinely concerned I can’t spend time with him if I can’t calm down around him. Maybe (I suspect) this is exacerbated by my anxiety. But still, how do I calm down around this goofy, totally sweet guy, so I can date him like I want too?

[Nadine E.]

Hey spottedowl,

I’m glad to hear that you’ve been enjoying dating this new guy!

It sounds like he really excites you and that you find him very attractive. Can you explain a bit more why or how that’s been a problem or challenge for you dating so far? You mention wanting to ‘date him like I want to’ - How is it that you’d like to date him? And how would that look differently from how you’ve been dating so far?

[spottedowl]

So the problem was solved, I just talked to him about it, and we just texted more, dated more and embraced all the feelings and love surrounding us. Now I have an amazing boyfriend, am on the way to getting my own independent life, and everything is okay.
New problem: I still don’t feel close to my sister. My parents still treat her like she’s 12, but she’s 15 and she just wants to date, get out of the house more, etc. Ever since the incident with anxiety and depression that happened 2 years ago now, we’ve been apart. Some of the lack of closeness is probably due to totally normal rebellious feelings, and she’s never been the type for deep emotional conversations, but I feel bad that she’s my sister and she still doesn’t know the truth of what happened, because maybe we could bond that way. I’ve tried carpooling her and her friends places, tried family time/sisters time, tried expressing interest in her interests, but nothing ever works for very long. I feel like an adult now, so besides waiting for her to grow up, what can I do to get closer to her?

[Latha]

Hi there, Spottedowl

Congratulations on your new relationship! Communication can really do wonders.

On that note, have you ever had a conversation with your sister about how you want to build a good relationship with her? Maybe talking directly to her about that and about your mental health difficulties from two years ago will make things clearer. If you feel up to it, let her know that she can come to you for advice and support.

Do you know for sure that your sister wants to date and get out of the house more? If you do, and if you have a good relationship with your parents, maybe you could discuss this with them. You could try to put in a good word for her, alleviate their concerns, and help them think about ways for them to give your sister the freedom she wants while making sure that she stays safe.

I want to note that it may not be rebelliousness on your sister's part that is preventing you two from being close, per se. Sometimes people are just on different wavelengths- she may not know how to relate to you right now. I wouldn't worry if you continue to have difficulties getting close to her. I'm sure you know that siblings with an age gap often develop better relationships once they are older.

[spottedowl]

So my boyfriend is going away to the military. 18 months of little to no contact soon await. I miss him to pieces already and he’s for sure coming back to me. Any ideas on how to pass the time of a long separation? I was thinking of writing him a love letter in my journal every single day. My parents are not supportive of the relationship, I still live at home, working on moving out ASAP, and there’s really nobody I can talk to about this since nobody I know is interested in marriage at 25.

[spottedowl]

Adding to my previous post, he’s an international student who’s still working on his English. I only speak English. We met through mutual friends who translated back and forth when they saw we were falling in love. There are language barriers for me on the websites people use to communicate in his country.

[Latha]

Hi Spottedowl,

Writing love letters in your journal sounds like a great idea. I'm wondering, do you know how much contact you will be able to have with him? If he will be able to access his email while he is in the military, you could send him these love letters.

For other suggestions... do you have pictures and keepsakes that you could look back on while he is away? Also, how would you feel about learning your boyfriend's first language?