I need someone to either embrace this flesh or [edited]

[PotatoTheCatfox]

heyyyyy long time no see it's been a year and everything went to shit

Due to my hypersexuality I've managed to turn away basically my entire friend group, even the ones that knew, even the ones I could ask for help about this with, because it started getting out of control. And now it's worse. I feel lonelier and needier now. And I don't feel right asking for sympathy because y'know, it's my fault.

I just... I don't even know what I need anymore. A hug? A partner? An SFW space where after some adjustment I feel free from the lust? [edited to remove explicit description of self-harm]

I don't know why i'm even asking because i don't know what the help i even need is but eh... at least this way there's a slim chance i'll get it

[itzxnikki]

hey!


i’m really sorry this all happened i know what it’s like to lose a friend group. you can always reach out when you’re ready.

i know you’ve probably heard this, but i really suggest maybe looking into some therapy. they can help you go deeper into this and help you though it.

it’ll take time to figure this out and you have all the time in the world to do so.

i know i am just some random user on the internet, but i hope you don’t put too much pressure on yourself. things like this can also maybe cause depression (i’m not a doctor) and it’s best you find the help you need as soon as possible. especially a support system that can help you through these changes. i am a new user but this website does seem like a great place for some support, so i hope you find some comfort here. <3

[Sam W]

Hi PotatoTheCatfox,

It's nice to see you again, though I wish it was under better circumstances!

Before I say anything else, if you're earnestly experiencing the urge to hurt yourself, can you do me a favor and call the hotline for your country so you can talk to someone and get support: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/. I ask because helping with that is outside of the scope of what we can do, and I want to make sure you're getting the support you need. The thread, and the rest of my answer, will still be here after you've made that call.

Can I ask what "hypersexuality" looking out of control is, and how that lead to your friendships ending? Did you friends cite it as why they were cutting contact, no longer wanted to hang out, etc?

Too, since hypersexuality is a clinical diagnosis of a pathology, are you still working with the person who gave you that diagnosis? Or is it more that you've just been using that term to refer to your behavior?

[PotatoTheCatfox]

Yeah, it's more or less diagnosed

Because of my libido getting out of control I've been acting lustfully to the point that people cut off contact due to my actions. it's a repeating pattern, one that can't be solved without actual therapy probably, which is basically out of the question hence why i doubt my right to be alive

[Sam W]

Can you say a little more about what acting lustfully means in this instance? Because depending on what that means, there may actually be ways to address it or adjust your behavior, including ways that don't require therapy if that's inaccessible to you.

Too, if therapy is something you want to pursue, we can talk about the barriers you're facing and if there are ways to get around them. If you were able to get a diagnosis, whoever did that might be able to help you find care.

On a bigger level, I'm a pretty firm believer that having harmed others, intentionally or unintentionally, doesn't remove our right to exist in the world. When we hurt people (notice I say "when," because we all will, at some point, hurt someone) it's often better for us in the long run to figure out if there are ways we can make amends, or if there are things we can learn from the incident that guide us to act differently in the future, rather than deciding that whatever we did means we're fundamentally unworthy of a happy or content life.

[PotatoTheCatfox]

I'd like to not talk about the details, only that what I did is awful and terrible and is bad enough for everyone in the relevant group to not want to associate with me anymore. It's a repeating pattern that's been going on since I was 15. No matter how careful I am about consent there's always something I'm doing to make people uncomfortable. A samsara that has been going on for far longer than it should. Nothing I do can prevent it with certainty, except things that should not be described here.

[Latha]

Hi PotatoTheCatfox,

Of course, you don't have to tell us about anything you would prefer not to discuss. I don't know what your situation is, so I'm taking you at your word when you say that you've done something wrong. But I agree with Sam: even if you have a pattern of hurting other people in some way, that doesn't take away your right to exist in the world or make you unworthy of a happy life. While the people in the group you mentioned may not want to associate with you, that does not mean that you can't or shouldn't build new relationships with other people.

I know that it must be exhausting and demoralizing to find yourself making the same mistakes over and over again and to feel like none of your efforts make things better. I understand why you would think of this as a cycle that you can't break. But I want to encourage you not to lose hope. No one goes through life without hurting other people. We all have our bad habits and patterns. Try to reframe these ideas: your efforts haven't made things better yet; with some time, effort, and the right support, you can break this cycle. Human beings have an amazing capacity for change. You are not an exception to this.

As Sam said, we can help you think about how to access therapy, or we can try to give you advice on how to adjust your behavior if you tell us a little more about what is happening.

[Sam W]

In addition to what Latha said, I want to hone in on this sentence: "No matter how careful I am about consent there's always something I'm doing to make people uncomfortable". If you are trying to learn from what's happened and find ways to not repeat the pattern in the future, figuring out why that keeps happening and what things you did that made people uncomfortable is the way forward.

For instance, if this is about, say, talking about sex too much, you can make new internal rules for yourself about when or if you bring that up to people. If it was about touching people when they didn't want to be touched, maybe the way forward is to only engage in touch with friends if they instigate it, not you. If what you're struggling with is reading an interaction, that can also be learned. And if this is more about things where you feel genuinely out of control of them, then we're right back to that being something that needs to be addressed with mental healthcare provider.

[PotatoTheCatfox]

Again, though, therapy is out of the question. Completely inaccessible. My mom controls the finances and she cannot under any circumstances find out. If I were to go, she would interrogate me about everything we talked about, and won't take no for an answer. If I hide the issue, she won't think I have a reason to go.

[Latha]

Hi PotatoTheCatfox,

I can see how that would make accessing therapy really difficult. But maybe we can find a way around that. If you attend university, you may be able to access therapy through your school. Some therapists offer sliding scale pricing, which could help you manage the cost.

You may have to lie to your mother at some point. If I may ask, does she have direct oversight over all the money you use? Are there reasons for seeking therapy that she would accept?

[PotatoTheCatfox]

I'm afraid that the issue in question would endanger my presence in the university, plus I'm only there for like three more months...

And mom's the only one with control over the real money, so seeing anyone else is out of the question

Is a lobotomy gonna help with getting rid of my libido

[PotatoTheCatfox]

I swear I'm a fucking werewolf with a full moon in my soul and my mere existence is a problem

[Sam W]

Hi PotatoTheCatfox,

So, we can certainly continue offering support here, but there are some things that I think we need to get clear before we do.

The first is that I'm going to set a limit on you saying things that frame you and your existence as a thing that's inherently a problem, doubly so if you're framing it as a problem in need of a harmful solution (such as lobotomy or self-harm). That both keeps this conversation in line with the user guidelines and, more importantly, is part of keeping this from being a space where you can just reinforce those negative ideas you've developed about yourself.

The next thing is to re-calibrate this conversation based on the kind of help we can and can't offer. As a mentioned before, there are certain kinds of sexual issues, such as compulsive behavior, where we can't offer the needed help because we're not mental healthcare providers. Since therapy isn't an option for you right now, what we can do is what Latha was doing, which is try and figure out ways around the barriers to that care. And if those barriers are things like you not having your own financial resources, or you not having any form of privacy from your mom, we can talk about those and what you can do to have more freedom down the line.

Speaking of therapy, if you do have access to it through school, you might want to reconsider that as an option. Three months of support from someone who knows what they're doing is better than none. Too, the only way in which therapy could jeopardize your place at school is if something you disclosed lead your therapist to believe you were a threat to yourself or to others. And I mean threat in a serious way--something like physical. Beyond that, what you discuss in therapy is confidential.

In terms of what we CAN help with, as I mentioned in my previous reply, it sounds like a source of distress has been losing relationships due to issues around misreading consent and things you may have done that made others feel uncomfortable. Something we can talk about is how and why that keeps happening, and what things you might be able to do to keep from happening in the future. To give an example, if this were related to you constantly steering conversations--intentionally or not--in a sexual direction, we could talk about how to notice when you're doing that and ways to adjust how you have conversations with people.