I don't know if it will always be this way, but I feel like I've made a lot of progress, both before and after we talked about my feelings surrounding masturbation. And it makes the whole experience even more pleasurable, letting go of the guilt, but also having the feeling that there's not a right or wrong way to masturbate. It is--and this is the biggest difference from before--so much more emotionally satisfying. So thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you are doing for people like me!
I also read another couple of articles on here early last week, one about sexual media and one about orgasms by any other names smelling as sweet. And it was these words, "What we choose to call our own orgasm is entirely individual and can often be -- and usually is, over time -- very personal. Words for sexual activities and experiences have different meanings for different people, based on how they were raised, the cultural environment they inhabit, and their own sexual history and experiences" that have made me decide it's totally okay to use whatever words seem natural to me when naming my orgasm or describing my feelings of sexual pleasure when I'm masturbating.
The article about sexual media and some of the advice you've given others in other posts also made me fully realize that I should feel no shame about enjoying sexual media (including videos or stories about two or more women) when I masturbate. And an article I read on kink (had never heard of that term before) that Sam wrote awhile back emphasized the importance of playing when having sex. That really resonated with me too, and that is what I've given myself permission to do this last week or so. Just play, and do what feels natural in the moment. (It probably helps that I'm in college now and have the space to explore my sexuality without having to be so secretive.) The soles of my feet, for example, have always been a major erogenous zone for me, but I was hesitant to really explore that or involve certain other parts of my body in masturbation. Now I'm giving myself permission to give pleasure to, and receive pleasure from, every inch of my body, including the soles of my feet. I can feel the electric tingle in my penis and everywhere else in my body when I caress them. They're so sensitive, and it enhances my pleasure, especially if I'm caressing or gently stroking my penis at the same time.
Once, a few days ago while playing this way, I orgasmed unexpectedly, before I had planned to. I guess that's okay. But I also masturbated longer yesterday than I ever have before--almost two hours before I finally squirted my semen. By the time I did, I was so punch-drunk with pleasure that I got a little teary eyed (probably not something that usually happens to males, I know) after the most intense contractions I've ever felt in my life had finally subsided. All I could do was lie back in bed (I often masturbate in a sitting position, with the soles of my feet touching in front of me) and do nothing for 15 or 20 minutes while I slowly came down from the most beautiful, most intense, most wonderful ecstacy I've ever felt in my whole life.
Is this what it's like to masturbate guilt free? Is this what it feels like to have sexual freedom? To truly love my body, and myself, and the pleasure my body can give me--that we can give each other? Because it's beautiful, and I won't ever feel guilty again if I can make myself feel this good. Thank you.
