Nervous about Penetration

[starling1010]

Hey, so I’m 18 and Ive been talking to this boy for a few months now. Things are starting to heat up and the topic of sex has been coming up quite a few times.

I really want to have sex with him but I don’t finger myself and putting things inside of my vagina feels uncomfortable and scary. I have just started trying to incorporate doing inside with my usual masturbation sessions, but i’ve been using an empty lip gloss bottle. It’s about one inch bigger than my middle finger but narrow. I feel like this isn’t a very safe way for me to try to become more comfortable with entering my vagina but when i try to use my fingers it makes me cringe and turns me off because the thought of being inside of my vagina just kind of grosses me out.

I have a feeling that if i don’t get my vagina used to things entering it, my first time will be unpleasant because my partner’s penis is much larger than the lip gloss tube i’ve been using. Also, going in doesn’t hurt as much as taking it out, is this normal? What other or safer things can I use to get myself more comfortable with “penetration”?

PS: sorry if i worded anything wrong, it’s kind of hard to explain everything in full.

[Latha]

Hi there, Starling1010! Don't worry about your wording, it's good.

I'm a little concerned about the pain that you've mentioned. Experiencing pain isn't a normal or necessary part of exploring insertive/penetrative sex. Rather, it is a sign that something needs to change. For example, you might need to use more lube or try a different position. Staying relaxed is also very important- stress can cause your muscles to tense up, which can lead to pain. Would you describe this pain a little more? Maybe we can figure out why it is happening.

Speaking of stress, you've talked about how putting things inside of yourself feels uncomfortable and scary. I'm curious about what is causing those feelings. Is it a sensory/textural issue? Or are you concerned the pain, perhaps?

Let me make a little disclaimer here: you don't have to have insertive/penetrative sex. Sex can involve several different activities, and penetration is just one of them. So, if you don't feel comfortable with insertion, or if you are not interested in it at all, you don't have to do it. You can have a fulfilling sex life that doesn't involve penetrative sex.

[starling1010]

Well, i think the pain/discomfort is coming from me just not being used to entering my vagina all together. When I have a good amount of vaginal lube, going in with my lip gloss bottle doesn’t hurt much but the material of the bottle kind of hurts sometimes when taking it out or going out then back in during “strokes”. The pain is pretty mild it feels like…I can’t really explain it but I’ll try my best. It feels kind of sore? But that’s only when take it out and I’m left with a sore feeling as well. Going in, it just feels tight and like there’s a pressure.

Putting things inside of me scares me in a nervous kind of way almost like i’m watching an unsettling vid that makes me squeamish. I’m not sure what is causing this but I’m sure it’s a sensory and textural thing because i tried going inside my vagina again last night with my middle finger but i couldn’t get past the texture of it. kind of grossed me out. so then i went back to using my lip gloss. but my finger hurts less than the lip gloss but i just can’t tolerate the feeling of the walls of my vagina. I am also concerned about pain which is why i feel like i hold myself back w my fingers but i do just fine with my lip gloss it’s just uncomfortable because it’s no my soemthing soft like my fingers. hopefully that makes sense.

Yea, I understand that insertive sex isn’t the only form of sex but the whole concept of it turns me on and it’s like I want it but I’m scared? Not sure why i’m scared tho. I want to overcome this fear one step at a time. It’s really a textural thing tho, the pain isn’t even holding me back as much as feeling the inside of my vagina.

[Sam W]

Hi starling1010,

It sounds like you're nervous about vaginal sex because, even though the idea of it excites you, you're worried that it might be painful or uncomfortable, since your experiences with masturbation have sometimes gone that way.

Since feeling the inside of your vaginal canal isn't a pleasant sensory experience for you, do you think it would help to get some latex gloves to use during masturbation? That would put a barrier between your fingers and your vaginal canal while letting you explore masturbation in a way that's less painful than using the lip gloss bottle. Too, you could look into safer ways of making a D.I.Y sex toy, or into finding a small sex toy that's actually made to be inserted: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition

Too, with partnered sex, you and he could explore him using his fingers on you and seeing how that feels. Not only can that be an enjoyable sexual activity in and of itself, but starting with that can help you tell if you're up for the insertion of something larger in that moment.

[starling1010]

Yes exactly, I’m nervous about the pain because even when i practice things that could emulate penetrative sex, i find some kind of discomfort whether it be mild or sharp.

I took your advice about using latex gloves and it actually helped with my sensory issue. Going into my vagina has become easier because of this but as i go deeper i feel rough ripples along the walls of my vagina canal which kind of make me uncomfortable not in a painful way but in a kind of grossed out way. i don’t know how to get rid of this psychological thing i got going on. also is it normal for only one finger to be painless? i tried going in with two since i know a penis isn’t the side of my little finger but it was a bit more uncomfortable. also the deeper i went in my vagina the more uncomfortable it felt for me. i find myself confusing pain with me being uncomfortable. Because nothing really hurts but the moment something feels a little off i back out completely.

I checked out the DIY sex toy article but i’m just nervous because i tried to use a tooth brush before and it’s narrow so it hurts and the plastic material isn’t too forgiving.

Okay, i’ll definitely take your advice about using his fingers. I’m just a lil nervous about the pain or discomfort. How long do you think it’ll take for me to become more comfortable? I feel like my vagina is too tight right now.

[Latha]

Hi Starling1010,

I'm glad the gloves help with your sensory issues! Getting rid of that grossed-out reaction you have might involve slowly getting more used to the sensation, in the same way that a food with an odd texture or taste might end up growing on you. You could try and see if exposing yourself to the sensation a few times makes it easier. If it doesn't, that is okay! There are other things you can try, like finding toys that feel good.

I'd say it is fairly normal to experience discomfort when you use more than one finger, especially in the beginning.

About discomfort/pain: would it help to know that if you feel a little pain, that is just a sign to step back a bit, and it doesn't mean you've caused any harm? The discomfort may just be a natural response since you're trying an unfamiliar activity.

I can't say for sure how long it will take for you to become more comfortable- it really is different for everyone. I have a suggestion though: it might be a good idea to get used to fingering on your own, before you try it with your boyfriend. After all, you have better knowledge of your own body and limits than he does.