Feeling a lot of shame and sadness :(

[Lalaro2]

Hello! I’m 24 y/o girl

For some context I don’t have any romantic or sexual history at all because I have a really bad track record with relationships. Once things start getting serious (it’s kind of established that we both like each other and starts moving towards more intimacy), I get extremely uncomfortable and repulsed and fearful (almost to the point of being angry with the other person). I feel upset like they’re violating my boundaries though that doesn’t really make sense? Any attraction that I have goes away and I have the illogical urge to sabotage the relationship by creating distance. But then I will like the person again once I have distance? This always makes me feel super heartbroken because I don’t know what I want or how to fix this! I have just been avoiding the relationship game all together for the past few years since it’s not fair to the other person and just leave me feeling sad and confused.

So current problem:
Normally, I live alone but recently I have been on an extended visit with my parents and staying in my old room. I’ve heard that it’s maybe good -in order to become comfortable with your sexuality- to masturbate? (like even typing this makes me so embarrassed ). So I tried literally once when no one was home but somehow, my mom seemed to know. She mentioned something about my room smelling strange and now she won’t even look at me or be in the same room as me.

She definitely told my dad and now he’s acting weird around me too.

Whenever I’m doing work or a hobby in a room alone, they’ll walk past and close the door, or if they sit down on a couch that I’ve been on, they’ll put a blanket down before taking a seat, etc. It’s been a week and now my mom is says that something in the house smells super bad and she has all the windows open (I did it once in my room only). Not to mention that neither of them have said a single thing about it other than my mom mentioning my room smelling strange the one day. I’m going insane.

Like I understand maybe it was inconsiderate to do this in their house but swear I only did it once and I didn’t even take my underwear off and I took a shower right after? I’m like so mortified and embarrassed and I feel so dirty and so ashamed. I feel so bad for messing up their space.

Now I’m super paranoid and feel like I smell bad or something even though I thought I was super contentious about my personal hygiene.

Is this normal??

Sorry for the rant. I guess I have wanted to be able to move past this hangup
I have surrounding intimacy and whatnot and learn to appreciate my body for a while now. And I think my first time going about this intentionally didn’t go so well. So I think I’m just looking for advice.

Thank u sm!

[Andy]

Hi there and welcome to the boards!

There are several things in your post we can talk about so I’d suggest starting with the masturbation part that you said it’s the current problem as that seems the most pressing and then moving onto the long-term relationships struggles, shame or about ways to connect with your body and sexuality. How does that sounds?

Before anything else, I’m so sorry your parents are acting like this, that sounds really awful. That really isn’t an okay way to treat your children, or anyone for that matter, regardless whether it’s about masturbation or anything else. I’m saying ‘anything else’ because the only way to know someone have been masturbating is to see them do that, which seems like your parents didn’t. There isn’t any specific smell masturbating would create on you, your clothes or in your room, the vaginal secretion during masturbation isn’t distinguishable by odor from the usual vaginal discharge vaginas produce all the time. So your mum shouldn't be able to find out you masturbated just from smelling your room, not to mention that unless you have smell impairment, they wouldn’t notice something that you don’t.

So, assuming this likely isn’t about masturbation, have your parents ever acted like this before (avoiding you without giving reasons etc.)? How would you feel about asking them what is their behavior about?

[Lalaro2]

Thank you for the reply! That sounds good!

It is reassuring to hear that it was less about me and more about them.

Though I feel anxious/scared and ashamed at the thought of bringing it up with them. This isn’t the first time I’ve had issues with my parents being a lil toxic but this is the first time it’s involved something like this. They can become very defensive. My therapist has mentioned having reduced contact with them but I am very very embarrassed to mention this to anyone including her. I guess the solution there is to just create boundaries once I start living in my own again and work on overcoming the shame that I have about myself. I think I was just unsure about the smell thing/ how they found out if no one was home but it seems like that was them exaggerating a bit perhaps? Thank you for the reassurance there.

I think in general, it really boils down to me feeling shame about myself, especially body/sexual shame, and being unsure about how to overcome it. I think perhaps this also contributes to why I have issues with relationships/intimacy. Do you have any advice on what people have done to overcome shame like this?

[Sam W]

Hi Lalaro2,

Since this isn't a totally new behavior in terms of them being toxic to you, I'm inclined to agree with your therapist that reducing contact with them when you can might be a good idea. Are you working toward moving out right now?

In terms of this current incident, I think it'd be wise to be suspicious that they know you masturbated at all. As Andy said, not only would there not be a smell, it's pretty hard to tell if someone masturbated in a given space unless you see them do it or, I don't know, walk in to see them looking out of breath and vibrator hurriedly kicked under the bed. I can't say why they're acting the way they are, but this seems to be much more about being rude to you than thinking you did a specific thing.

We can absolutely talk about some ways to overcome or unlearn that shame you feel around sex and bodies! To start, can you tell me a little about what you think the source, or sources, of that shame might be? Is it messages you got from your parents or somewhere else? A specific incident? Something else entirely?

[Lalaro2]

I see, that makes sense I suppose. And Yes, I’m moving out again soon!

Thank you!

I think the sources of the shame might be from messages I received from my parents and peers + incidents where people acted in ways towards me that made me feel hurt (physically and/or emotionally), ashamed, humiliated, unwanted, and unlovable.

For messages, my parents, my mother especially was very controlling and critical about things like my appearance, my behavior and my emotions, how smart I was , my whereabouts, and very concerned about propriety in general (she was worried about me embarrassing her) etc. Her anxiety about me appearing a certain way manifested as a temper that’s cooled a lot now that I’m older/more independent. Also, we are African American and she has some internalized racism that she would project onto me. So in general, I would say there were some messages and incidents that I internalized.

I moved around a lot and I grew up going to all white schools also so that took a toll I think. I didn’t always fit in (being black, the new kid, and ADHD) and being the outlier, there were also some messages and incidents that occurred here that I internalized. It wasn’t until high school/college that I had genuine friends. I did have an ED during this time and though I’m managing it much better now, I still carry a bit shame about how my “body “should” look or how my face “should” look.

Late high school and college is also when I realized my dilemma with trying to date. How I’d feel angry/Frightened/ taken advantage of with potential significant others when intimacy became a possibility. But it’s not even just with dating, it’s with affection in general-like basic stuff.

For instance, I don’t mind physical touch in theory. In fact, I love it. But I get really nervous, even in platonic friend situations like holding hands or hugs.

I get scared and apprehensive and embarrassed that I’m taking advantage of their space/that I would even need affection. Like I shouldn’t need it. I think things like: “what if they don’t actually want to be near me right now? What if they’re trying to get away from me and I’m keeping them from doing it? What if they think I’m taking advantage of them? What if they think I’m weak and annoying and gross for prolonging this hug or sitting too close? etc”And I’ll have to break off the hug or move away whatever/ to give them an out just in case they don’t actually want to be a round me.

My body in relation to other people’s feels uneven, I think? I’m reading over this again and I think that in my life I have experienced many relationships that were very imbalanced (often where I was the one being taken advantaged of?). I think that I project this fear onto people who show me affection maybe. I often feel like I am taking too much/like I don’t deserve it/that Im not ___ enough for their affection so they must want something in return. In platonic situations, I’m uncomfortable and nervous, but in romantic and not to mention potential sexual situations, i literally go into fight or flight. The dread, repulsion, and anxiety is unreal.

[Sam W]

I think it's very insightful to have spotted that some of that fear you feel when other people show you affection or intimacy is tied to you not wanting to enact the same kind of discomfort on others that was done to you in the past. That's really common for people who have survived abusive or toxic situations, and it both speaks to you being considerate and is also a pain in the butt to try and deal with when making new relationships.

One simple thing--not necessarily easy, at least at first, but simple--is to communicate to your friends or potential partner that there comfort is important to you and that you need them to tell you if something is making them uncomfortable. Having that conversation can help you feel like they're aware that they can and should tell you to back off as needed, which makes it easier to trust that when they're extending or accepting physical touch, they're doing it because they want to.

It also sounds like you've been on the receiving end of a bunch of the kinds of crummy experiences that can make our relationships with our bodies and sexuality more fraught. That means that unlearning those negative messages is going to take some time, so as much as you can, try to be patient with yourself as you do it. If you haven't checked it out before, I recommend "The Body is Not and Apology" which is both a website and a book now, and is a body positive space built by a black woman. I also really like this piece of ours as a starting place: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... n_spite_of

Too, confidence can act as a helpful counterpoint to shame. Would you say there are things in your life that help you feel confident, both in your body and in yourself more generally?

[Lalaro2]

Thank you so much for the resources and the advice! Great article! I’m gonna have to get the book. I really connected with the reading, especially the part that says “how you relate to your body is your business”. That’s really something that I want to internalize. I’ve always felt like my body isn’t really mine (I’m just learning that my boundaries were really respected by other people growing up?) but also just feel very exposed or maybe self conscious is a better word. And the thought of people seeing me or me using my body for anything is really scary. On the one hand, what if they don’t want me around and on the other hand what if they’re just trying to take advantage of me? (I liked the idea you had about communicating my discomfort just to get it out in the open!). But I really resonated with the parts of the article that spoke about accepting ur whole self with baby steps and suggestions to reconnect with urself + eliminate shame in ur life. I will definitely strive to apply these.

But as for confidence, I feel confident when I dress in all way that feels authentic and nice for me! And I feel confident when I do well on my art.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad the article was helpful, and I hope you're able to get your hands on a copy of the book!

And it's good to hear that there are things that help you feel confident. Do you have the option to dress the way that feels authentic to you much of the time? If so, even just leaning into that a bit can help you feel more at home in and less ashamed of your body.