Men getting hard ?

[chelsealewis]

I have a question for the boys (straight).
Can you get hard for a girl you're not attracted to, like that you find ugly or something (maybe while picturing sombody else idk).
Like if kissing turns you on, can it turns you on even if you're not attracted by the girl but just because kissing is a turn on,
you are getting hard.
Or can your love and attachment to a girl can make you go hard juste by being with her and kissing her (like if it's not really a big sexy stuff) ???
I need answers, what get you hard ?

[Latha]

Hi Chelsealewis, welcome to the boards!

I am not a straight boy, but maybe I could offer you some advice.

• If five boys answered your question, you would only have the answers of five individual boys. You might find some patterns, but you wouldn't be able to draw very good conclusions about all boys.

• There are a few different factors that can impact whether someone gets turned on. I would say that it is possible for someone to feel aroused from the act of kissing itself, or by being with a partner they care a lot about. But we have to be careful when we try to draw conclusions about what makes people aroused just from watching them. We might not have the full picture.

Does this make sense? What has made you think about this?

[chelsealewis]

Thank you, of course I'm not trying to make a conclusion about all men by just 5 answers but I needed some perspectives from different people to help me understand more.
Because I was in a kind of relationship and I'm still confused of what I was to him and if he actually WAS attracted to me or not
(Big lack of confidence for me, I know that lol)

[Latha]

Hi chelsealewis,

Ah, I understand why you would want more perspectives- that would be my first instinct too. Would you like to tell us more about this relationship? Maybe we can untangle the behavior that was making you confused.

It is okay if you're not confident now. It can take a lot of time, experience, and support to develop confidence and keep it.

[chelsealewis]

Man, I was writing about it and my phone crashed I have to start all over lol. I'll be back, let me try to write it more.. in a nutshell x)
I'm not uncomfortable talking about it it's been almost 2years (damn)

[Latha]

Take your time! I'm leaving now, but the next person on shift will get to you.

[chelsealewis]

So ! This guy was at first, well, just a friend, and he wanted to date my bestfriend so I was trying to help him as I didn't feel anything towards him and actually thought they were a cute couple yk ? During his birthday he couldn't make a move on her so it kinda just stayed in the air (later she broke his heart but I think we were already something)
Long story short, we were talking and trying to annoy eachother and he "dared me" to try and turn him on.
And it all started with a "you don't have th guts" "try me." Sentence that we still use today lol. (Because yeah now he's my bestfriend)
SO, when we'd see eachother he would do stuff like that, just turning ourselves on, I HAVE TO SAY ! I thought I as asexual at that moment, like nothing worked on me so his "mission" was to find something that worked for me (of course in respect and consent, always)
And one night he asked if he could kiss me.
And that all we did that night and following day. It was my first kiss lol.
And my question is because, one night in the beginning of this, we were just kissing and I FELT him getting hard, so I was like, waw we just kissed and he's like that ?
Maybe he likes me ? (I didn't think anyone could be attracted to me as I'm fat.)
And we had a strong bond. Like really I never felt this close to someone (all sexy stuff aside lol)
We were getting more comfortable and doing more stuff, so we started to think ourselves as "sexfriends" even though we never actually slept together.
And as he told me I found me attractive I just couldn't believe it (big lack of confidence for me lol) but he made me feel like it was right. He seemed sincere.
But few months in this, he was distant, and than back to normal, and on new years eve, he kissed my best friend (they were both drunk that's awful but yeah)
And I started questioning like "was he really attracted to me or just doing it to get my bestfriend ?" (Which would be stupid) "did he just want to.. do stuff ?" (Like missing it or something) and was actually picturing someone else while together?
Even if he told me one night he had a dream of US but do I believe it ? Idk.
Or was he sincere with me when we were together and just changed his mind
Because we had a talk that might have scared him (we never had feelings for eachother so that's kinda weird)
Few months after new years he didn't talk to me at all, felt like I lost my bestfriend.
And this summer we met again, talk and had the best of times (we did some stuff too, but this time, clearly just to do it, not the intimacy we had before) but we kept a strong bond.
That is until recently he got close to someone else and I feel like he's pushing me aside and doesn't want me as his bestfriend even tho HE was the saying I was his best friend.
Today it feels like I never really matter to him.
And as I can't always trust what he says, I need to analyse his body language, and THAT is all I have lol.
The fact that in the beginning he got aroused by just kissing me, and was acting close to me, by holding hands, touch my back while out, hugs, and ect..
SORRY THAT WAS LONG hope you see what I meant ? TwT
I just need men to be honest with me about why you think he acted like that.

[Willa]

Hi Chelsealewis!

Thank you for sharing all of that, and I can see why that would be confusing! I want to start by saying everyone at all weights and body sizes deserves to feel desired and respected by the people they chose to engage in sexuality activity with. It can be so difficult to work through fatphobic messaging that is constantly thrust on us by society, especially surrounding sex and attraction, but there are ways to work through the harmful effects of this stigma.

Calling back to what Latha was touching on before, sexual responses can differ for everyone as well as they can differ depending factors such as mood. Actions such as kissing can certainly be enough to encourage arousal in some people, but it is impossible for us to say in this setting something along the lines of "because he became hard then he feels this way about you ___" Does that all make sense? It seems that this person is unsure himself what he wants and may not be able to aptly communicate that to you, which is often not a healthy dynamic to have with a friend or sexual partner.

One question I want to ask you is how you felt during these sexual experiences you shared with this person, did you feel like these experiences were pleasurable or arousing at all for you? It can be really important to check in with how we are feeling during sexual experiences such as these to make sure we are feeling good, and if not to communicate that or to end that sexual contact all together.

[chelsealewis]

Thanks for asking me that, and I felt really comfortable, he always asked for my consent even on the smallest things, no really I have nothing bad to say about that. And honestly I know people can't tell me what HE was thinking, but as I said I kinda wanted to get people perspectives, not really even detailed, like we can see on Instagram when people ask stuff like "girls be honest what is ..." or "boys if ... what would you.." ect ect ..
Like just an open conversation (to help me figure this out of course) but yeah you know what I mean ^^'

[Willa]

Hi Chelsealewis,

I am glad that you had a comfortable experience and that he was prioritizing consent, that is always very important between two sexual partners. I am just going to ask a couple more questions so I can better understand the situation if that is alright. When engaging in sexual activity with him, were you hoping that it would lead to feelings or a romantic relationship between the two of you? How do you feel about him now, is there any disappointment that it did not become romantic or is more the disappointment of losing a close friend?

To me it seems that he is a person that is unsure what he wants and is not prioritizing your friendship or respect for you in the process. It does not seem like he has the communication skills either to maturely handle the situation with you instead of closing you out. When understanding relationships there is no one way that all boys react to things or all girls react to things, sometimes the simplest way is to ask for an honest conversation to open up communication.

[chelsealewis]

Of course I'll tell you but before so you know if there is any way to change the name of my topic ? TwT
I hate it it sounds so bad compared to what I had in mind :')

And to answer your question, at the very first, yes, I though I could have feelings for him but I soon realised that he couldn't be what I search for a romantic partner, and so no I didn't feel bad that it never ended in more than a friendship, I'm just genuinely curious of what he felt towards me (as I think I'm allowed to due to the complexity of or friendship x))
What disappoints me the most is his irregularity in our friendship, its either I'm his best friend, the one he tells everything and is super close to (not talking about intimacy, cause this stopped after he ghosted me last year, we rebecame friends after but nothing more, exepct closeness with the knowledge of this past between us, line we joke about it with private joke for exemple) or it feels like I'm nothing to him, and even when I talk to him about this he tries to reassure me that it's not the case, but I feel like actions speak more than words, and in the way he acts, yeah I feel like he's getting distant and will probably just come back in a few months for idk what and this will start over and over.
And I'm not even tired of it, I've learned to let go, not just with him, but with everyone.

So yeah my question was really just to know (as general wonderment) if men could get aroused without being attracted to someone nor feeling any romantic feelings for them.
I'm not looking for a general answer like, I don't expect you to give me an answer you know ? I just wanted to ask this to more people so they could maybe give me their experiences.
Kinda like an open discussion or something.

[mika.m]

Hi, chelsealewis
I'm not straight but bisexual and more attracted to girls.
Honestly, yeah sometimes I get turned on but I don't know that it's because of the act or the people who are doing it but I think it's because of the act

Also your sex friend(or best friend you were talking about) sounds like a good and sex positive boy, why don't you ask him about this?

[chelsealewis]

Hi Mika, honestly yeah he is great, but he's not that much "with the words" you know ? And he already told me things that could answer it, but as I said, his actions speak more than his words sometimes I don't know if he meant what he said (and the proof would be his body language yk) or if he was just enjoying the STUFF more than me as a partner