I think I might be gay

[Luna]

I'm 13 almost 14 and my friend said she wanted to practice kissing with me while at a sleepover, and I wasn't sure but we did it and now all I think about is kissing her. Am I gay?

[StephR]

Hi Luna,

Ultimately, the only person who can tell what sexual orientation you are is yourself. I know that can be difficult to figure out. Our article The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone has a lot of good information about orientation and identity, but the section titled "How and When Do You Know?" has some questions that may help you make sense of the feelings you've been having. Remember that there is no deadline for labeling your orientation; lots of people identify as "questioning" or just "I don't know!" while they are figuring stuff out. Also, your feelings may change over time, so it's totally OK to choose a different term for your identity if you feel like it no longer applies to you.

How do you feel about all of this?

[Luna]

Hi Luna,

Ultimately, the only person who can tell what sexual orientation you are is yourself. I know that can be difficult to figure out. Our article The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone has a lot of good information about orientation and identity, but the section titled "How and When Do You Know?" has some questions that may help you make sense of the feelings you've been having. Remember that there is no deadline for labeling your orientation; lots of people identify as "questioning" or just "I don't know!" while they are figuring stuff out. Also, your feelings may change over time, so it's totally OK to choose a different term for your identity if you feel like it no longer applies to you.

How do you feel about all of this?

I don't know how to explain it well but when I'm around my friend now, my hand get all sweaty and I feel I guess embarrassed and my body feels hot.

[Andy]

Hi there, Luna,

that sounds like some intense feelings and I can see how they can make you feel confused.

If you try sitting with these feeling and for a while, can you trace them to some other emotions? As in do you feel happy or excited when seeing her or thinking about here? Or are you nervous, uneasy or ready to get away? Have you every experienced something similar in a different situation?

[Luna]

Hi there, Luna,

that sounds like some intense feelings and I can see how they can make you feel confused.

If you try sitting with these feeling and for a while, can you trace them to some other emotions? As in do you feel happy or excited when seeing her or thinking about here? Or are you nervous, uneasy or ready to get away? Have you every experienced something similar in a different situation?

I think It's like a nervous feeling but it's not bad just weird and I feel kinda like that when I'm at the school changing room for swimming class. But I get a feeling like I did something wrong.

[Andy]

Thank you for the answers!

When you say it reminds you of the school changing rooms, it seems to me to be about being more exposed than you are used to around other people and being worried about what they might be thinking about you and if they are judging you. Do I have that right?

Also, coming back to your first post, when you say you are thinking about kissing her all the time, what are these thoughts like? Coming to you unexpectedly out of nowhere as an unpleasant surprise/hard to shake off/imagining other similar situations/nice daydreaming/... ?

[Luna]

Thank you for the answers!

When you say it reminds you of the school changing rooms, it seems to me to be about being more exposed than you are used to around other people and being worried about what they might be thinking about you and if they are judging you. Do I have that right?

Also, coming back to your first post, when you say you are thinking about kissing her all the time, what are these thoughts like? Coming to you unexpectedly out of nowhere as an unpleasant surprise/hard to shake off/imagining other similar situations/nice daydreaming/... ?

I think about it when I go to bed and when we are together it makes my heart beat fast and It's embarrassing to say it but I feel heat down there. And yes I feel worried people might think I'm gross.

[Andy]

I’m sorry you are feeling worried about that, that can be really difficult.
Given all you have shared with us so far, I would say that your experiences sounds like one of the ways people can experience attraction. How does hearing that make you feel?

Would you like some media or resources recommendations about LGBT+ people and their experiences? Exploring those can be helpful when trying to figure out feelings about other people or around sexual orientation as well as helps battling the hateful messages around sexuality we sometimes hear from people around us.

[Luna]

I’m sorry you are feeling worried about that, that can be really difficult.
Given all you have shared with us so far, I would say that your experiences sounds like one of the ways people can experience attraction. How does hearing that make you feel?

Would you like some media or resources recommendations about LGBT+ people and their experiences? Exploring those can be helpful when trying to figure out feelings about other people or around sexual orientation as well as helps battling the hateful messages around sexuality we sometimes hear from people around us.

I would like to see the recommendations, Is there anything about telling your parents?

[Willa]

Hi Luna,

Thanks for giving more context for what you are looking at specifically! One source you could start with looking at is: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... ity_primer. I think this source can be a good starting place to look at to understand that these feelings and realizations are completely normal.

For telling your parents, are you looking for sources for talking about these feelings with your parents or are you more looking for a source that deals with "coming out" to your parents? Is there any specific thing you want to be prepared for when talking with your parents or just need help getting the conversation started? Either way it is perfectly normal to take all these feelings and realizations at your own pace, there is no timeline for anything- just what you are personally comfortable with!

[Luna]

Hi Luna,

Thanks for giving more context for what you are looking at specifically! One source you could start with looking at is: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... ity_primer. I think this source can be a good starting place to look at to understand that these feelings and realizations are completely normal.

For telling your parents, are you looking for sources for talking about these feelings with your parents or are you more looking for a source that deals with "coming out" to your parents? Is there any specific thing you want to be prepared for when talking with your parents or just need help getting the conversation started? Either way it is perfectly normal to take all these feelings and realizations at your own pace, there is no timeline for anything- just what you are personally comfortable with!

Is there anything to do with coming out and what If they don't take it well.

[StephR]

Hi Luna,

Our article Becoming Out: A Totally Non-Exhaustive, Step by Step Guide to Coming Out can help you develop a plan to come out to your parents. Specifically, the questions in the 4th paragraph:

• What do you want to happen in this conversation?
• What are you afraid will happen?
• Are those desires or fears realistic, or are they outlandish?
• What do you need to happen? To be heard, understood, or accepted?

The 5th section, titled "What Happens Next?" is about how you can handle their reaction. If there is a chance that they might get upset with you, you might want to have a plan in place to hang out with a friend or do something else away from your home for a while. Of course, we'll be here if you have any more questions, or even if you just need to vent.

[Luna]

Hi Luna,

Our article Becoming Out: A Totally Non-Exhaustive, Step by Step Guide to Coming Out can help you develop a plan to come out to your parents. Specifically, the questions in the 4th paragraph:

• What do you want to happen in this conversation?
• What are you afraid will happen?
• Are those desires or fears realistic, or are they outlandish?
• What do you need to happen? To be heard, understood, or accepted?

The 5th section, titled "What Happens Next?" is about how you can handle their reaction. If there is a chance that they might get upset with you, you might want to have a plan in place to hang out with a friend or do something else away from your home for a while. Of course, we'll be here if you have any more questions, or even if you just need to vent.

Thanks I know a girl in school who is already come out as lesbian and we talked alone and I told her everything and she was a great listener especially when I got overwhelmed and cried, she also agreed to let me stay with her if my parents react badly. Which has took a lot of anxiety away. I'm probably going to take my time before saying anything to just calm down I think.

[CaitlinEve]

Luna,

I'm so glad you had the chance to talk to someone you know about this, especially one who understands the anxiety firsthand! I agree with you about taking your time; don't feel like you need to rush this, it's your journey and your experience and you can take it as slow or as quickly as you need/want to.

[Luna]

I asked my dad if we could talk today about something important today when he picks me up after school. I'm going to tell him today but I'm worried.

[CaitlinEve]

Luna,

I hope it helps your worry to know that if your parents react poorly, you have a place to stay with your friend. No matter how your parents react, you are incredibly brave for taking this step and we wish you the best of luck! This is new territory for both you and your parents, and there are a lot of resources out there for parents who are looking to educate themselves on their LGBTQ+ children if that's something you think they'd benefit from.

Please don't hesitate to report back and let us know if you need any more resources or information. Good luck!

[Luna]

My dad picked me up from school, he looked really serious which scared me a bit but I took a deep breath and said "dad I realized that I'm gay recently" and he looked at me weirdly and told me "I know" and I asked him how he knew and he replied that he's my dad and he could just tell. So was worried about it all this time for nothing and he knew since I was 7 way before I did?!

[CaitlinEve]

Congrats Luna, I'm SO happy to hear that it went well!