i want sex but crush is ace

[Lyle Lanley]

before i get into it: i know there is no rush and things will happen when they are due, but that does not stop me from desiring to begin sexual experience like i would desire to get into a school or go to a place.

i have had a crush on this girl for at least a month or so, it is slightly fading though. today as we were with friends she mentioned being asexual and saying that she does not need sex and can live without it. she also told about this negative experience with a horrible ex who did bad things to her, even pressuring her to have sex.
i already had heard that story from her but had not heard the additional info that she is asexual. now, i have come out of a relationship that was nonsexual and i don't know if i should actually pursue her despite her asexuality or give up on her and look for a partner which i am certain i will have sex with.

[Latha]

Hi there, Lyle!

While we do say things like there's no rush to reassure people who are worried about not having certain experiences yet, it is perfectly reasonable that you want to have sexual experiences, and you will likely be able to have them.

So, should you pursue this girl? I think the answer depends on whether your needs in a relationship will align with hers, and how both of you feel about being in a nonmonogamous relationship.

It does sound like this girl is not very interested in having sex, though I don't know if she meant that she would not have sex at all when she said that she does not need it and can live without it. As you may know, certain asexual people can be comfortable with having sex sometimes, even when they don't feel much sexual desire themselves. The only way to know her position on this would be to hear it from her directly. So, if you would be happy in a relationship where sexual intimacy doesn't play a major role (if it has a place at all), you could consider pursuing her.

Another option is polyamory. If both this girl and you are comfortable with nonmonogamy, you could have a romantic relationship with her while pursuing sex with other people. But if either of you aren't interested in polyamory, and if having a sexual relationship is important to you, you will need to look for another partner.

[Lyle Lanley]

thanks for the answer latha. i'm not sure now if i should pursue the girl, i want both our needs to be met. i need to think about it.

[Sam W]

Hi Lyle,

Given that this is still in the realm of crush, rather than an ongoing romantic relationship you're now having to re-adjust to someone coming out as asexual, and that it sounds like you know that something that IS a priority for you in a relationship--sex--isn't remotely that for her, that to me suggests that this is a situation where trying to date would likely be frustrating for both of you.