Hope it's ok
Basically I think it's because I had an inappropriate interaction for a while with an older woman when I was 11/12 on randochat
I think it honestly impacted my sexuality a lot and it hits harder some nights (like this week)
We used to text and do voice chats where she loves talking about hurting me really bad (slamming my head against the wall, breaking bones and stuff)
I always had interest since then and if I'm honest, most of the time it's fine and I can be ok with it or like it but sometimes I feel sick about it and it worries me how much I think about someone hurting me, how much I want it
I've been up really late 3 times this week just thinking about it even, some good some bad
I'm worried I'm going to get myself in trouble some day, if someone wants to hurt me I might let it happen
I've had a NSFW account on twitter since I was 13 and it helps to find people like that and to talk about it, but sometimes it helps to talk to people who won't just tell me "that's hot I'd love to do that to you" and stuff
Sorry for rambling
Just felt like a vent and maybe advice on how not to dwell on this stuff in my head